OK.....this is for all you guys... 🙄 an Oldie but a goodie...and oh so true.....
One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"
God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you."
Originally posted by debbiejo
OK.....this is for all you guys... 🙄 an Oldie but a goodie...and oh so true.....One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"
God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you."
😂
Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first nun in line," I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in holy water and pass into heaven.
The next nun admits that "Well yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged it a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on in here?" says St. Peter.
"Well your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "if I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."
Originally posted by debbiejo
OK.....this is for all you guys... 🙄 an Oldie but a goodie...and oh so true.....One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"
God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you."
evil women... 😂
OK...new one....
A Faithful Woman
An elderly Muslim lady was well-known for her faith and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say "Allah be praised" to all those who passed by.
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer "Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
One night the atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and found a large bag of groceries. She raised her hands and shouted, "Allah be praised!."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The old lady laughed and clapped her hands and said, "ALLAH BE PRAISED. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!" 😂
Originally posted by debbiejo
OK...new one....A Faithful Woman
An elderly Muslim lady was well-known for her faith and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say "Allah be praised" to all those who passed by.
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer "Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
One night the atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and found a large bag of groceries. She raised her hands and shouted, "Allah be praised!."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The old lady laughed and clapped her hands and said, "ALLAH BE PRAISED. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!" 😂
LMAO!!!! i have heard this one. I love it hon! HAHAH!
Catholic Dictionary
AMEN
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN
Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HYMN
A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN
The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE
Holy Smoke!
JUSTICE
When kids have kids of their own.
PEW
A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
RECESSIONAL
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the
parking lot.
RELICS
People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS
The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS
The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew
A Sunday school teacher was talking about Jesus to the kids. "Bobby, where is Jesus?" she asked.
"Jesus is in heaven," replied Bobby.
"Very good!" said the teacher.
She then asked a little girl, "Where is Jesus, Emily?"
"Jesus is in my heart!"
The teacher beamed at little Emily and said, "How sweet!"
The teacher now asked Timmy, "Timmy, where is Jesus?"
"Jesus is in my bathroom," he said.
"How do you know, Timmy?" the teacher said.
Timmy replied, "Every morning my dad gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells, 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"
One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter stopped him and asked if he could watch the gates whilst he went to the loo. Jesus agreed and began letting people in. After a few minutes he saw a stooped old man approaching. He was so old that he could barely walk, and his white beard ran down to the floor. When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man advised him in a shaky voice that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could as there were millions of people there. "I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands and feet," said the old man. Jesus stares curiously at the wisened figure before him, "Father...?" he asked. The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio...?" 😂 😂
Originally posted by debbiejoThe teacheer has a class off people from differant religions and she tells them to bring something representing their religions. The hindu brinngs a Vedas, the musllim brings his koran and the christian picks up a bucket of fried chicken. I guess he was a southern baptist.
Racist?, yesterday I was a fascist...why do people throw words around....I got it from a "Christian website." 📖Here's another one
Hymn #365
A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River."
Originally posted by fintiWhen I die I may not go to heaven,. I don't know if they let cowboys in, if they don't just let me go to texas.. texas is as close as I've been.. Willie Nelson
When I die and they lay me to rest
Gonna go to the place that's the best
When I lay me down to die
Goin' up to the spirit in the sky
Goin' up to the spirit in the sky
That's where I'm gonna go when I die
When I die and they lay me to rest
Gonna go to the place that's the best ------Normann Greenbaum