Originally posted by Ultraman Baltan🙁
3/10.
How old are you?
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
Originally posted by johnnyforever
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch."I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
😆 8/10.
A man walked into a bar and said "Ow!"
Originally posted by Ultraman Baltanw00t
😆 8/10.A man walked into a bar and said "Ow!"
4/10
What was its name?
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
4/10.
Originally posted by Ultraman Baltan
Mickey Mouse wakes up one winter morning to see something written in the snow with pee that says "Mickey sucks." He quickly calls the police, and they investigate. Two hours later they come back.
The policeman says "We have good news and bad news. The good news is that we found out that Goofy was the one who peed 'Micky sucks' into the snow. The bad news is that it was in Minnie's handwriting."
Originally posted by Ultraman Baltan7/10
5/10.What is the differenence between Brittany Speares and a bucket of manure?
The bucket.
Originally posted by Ultraman Baltan10! w00t
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
How you earned it
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Bathroom troubles
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
Eating some peanuts
There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nusring for the aged would be appropriate.
Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day was going.
"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.
In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too." "That's okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone." Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!" The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some ****in’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more ****in’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the ****in’ French toast."
Originally posted by Ultraman Baltan5/10
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some ****in’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more ****in’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the ****in’ French toast."
This guy is really horny, but all he has is two dollars. He goes to the nearest whore house and says to the man working there,
"Look, I'm really horny, but all I have is two dollars. What can I get?"
"Well, the cheapest we have is one hundred dollars. But I'll cut you a deal on two conditions. For two dollars, I'll let you go down two doors on the right, but you have to wear a black condom, and leave the lights out!"
The horny man agrees and goes two doors down on the right with the black condom on and the lights out. A while later he comes back out and says to the man working there, "Man, that was the best sex I've ever had, but why did I have to wear the black condom?"
"Well, you gotta show some respect for the dead!"
Football FINALLY makes sense.......
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he
asked her how she liked her first football game experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all those big muscles! Wow! But... I just can't understand why they
were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, and scratching his head. her date asked,
"What do you mean, 'over 25 cents'?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"