Where the pain ends - Bardock's Poetry

Where's that one about that day you saw a bird fly across a cloudy sky?

Originally posted by Deja~vu
I like this one. Pretty good there Bardock. 😎

Hahahaha.

I want that poem about the girl who left you for the boy with a car. That's one for the ages.

I think you guys are thinking about the same one, remember, seeing the bird in the cloudy sky as a sign of hope in such dark times?

But I am too shy to post it...it's not as good as the others.

Well, the others are magnificent, so I can understand why you would be shy about posting something that isn't as...blah, blah, blah, f*ck me I'm a cabbage.

Originally posted by Ya Krunk'd Floo
Well, the others are magnificent, so I can understand why you would be shy about posting something that isn't as...blah, blah, blah, f*ck me I'm a cabbage.

How would that work out? I never had human-cabbage sexulationships.

Well, I guess I should post the poem they have been talking about, I mean, if they like it, it must be okay. I just named it now.

The Bird in the Cloud after the End because of a Car

Go, just go
I don't need you
Anymore

Leave me
I know what we
could be

The sky is cloudy, but I feel alright
I see the bird in the pale light
and feel that I can live again
Without you, cause you love Ben

Makes me think of the modern human condition.

Originally posted by Victor Von Doom
Makes me think of the modern human condition.

Are you saying I should have submitted it to the contest...nah, would have been unfair, want to give other people a chance.

Originally posted by Bardock42
Well, I guess I should post the poem they have been talking about, I mean, if they like it, it must be okay. I just named it now.

[b]The Bird in the Cloud after the End because of a Car

Go, just go
I don't need you
Anymore

Leave me
I know what we
could be

The sky is cloudy, but I feel alright
I see the bird in the pale light
and feel that I can live again
Without you, cause you love Ben [/B]

The name is beautiful, and the poem is lovely; really uplifting at the end there. My only wish is that it mentioned a bit more about the car. When I first heard the poem, the bit about the car made me cry.

Originally posted by Bardock42
Hey, I wrote poetry for a while now, and finally I found the courage to post it. Lots of it is very, very dark and nothing for people that are easily offended. I will first post some of my earlier work.

Didn't bother reading them yet, but I do like the name you choose for the thread, made me think of my favorite children's book, "Where the Sidewalk Ends."

Edit: Read the one above, who's Ben?

Ben is "the boy with a car" that the girl left me for, duh.

Originally posted by Victor Von Doom
Where's that one about that day you saw a bird fly across a cloudy sky?

Hahahaha.

Originally posted by Bardock42
Thanks guys, I am happy you like it.

[b]Lost and alone like a spark of fire in the dark night sky

Running through the void
An endless fire burning in my heart
Nothing around for miles

A burst of light
A last flicker of hope
The End

This one is pretty short, but I like the imagery. [/B]

Originally posted by Deja~vu
Burinng and running for what cannot be kept....

Originally posted by Bardock42
Are you saying I should have submitted it to the contest...nah, would have been unfair, want to give other people a chance.

You totally should!

Originally posted by Bardock42
Well, I guess I should post the poem they have been talking about, I mean, if they like it, it must be okay. I just named it now.

[b]The Bird in the Cloud after the End because of a Car

Go, just go
I don't need you
Anymore

Leave me
I know what we
could be

The sky is cloudy, but I feel alright
I see the bird in the pale light
and feel that I can live again
Without you, cause you love Ben [/B]

love it, quite powerful.

Originally posted by Bardock42
Hey, I wrote poetry for a while now, and finally I found the courage to post it. Lots of it is very, very dark and nothing for people that are easily offended. I will first post some of my earlier work.

[b]Flame of Darkness and Love

It burns in my heart
The fire I can't stop
Can someone please call a cop
Though I have no chance to get help as I lost my ID card

The anger I feel is undescribable
I fear for my life
Why does it always happen to me
Am I cursed

Night has set and so has my love
I am not able to move
When will this horrible live ever end
I feel the blade as it cuts my hand

Comments are welcome but only good ones.

If you don't like it you just don't understand it.

🙂 [/B]

I like that you've capitalized the first word of every line...a technicality most overlooked by those who would submit their pieces. Which is to say that though word art is a creative endeavor, laziness in itself should not. But on that note...let's not forget punctuation. A minor thing, but just as important. For example: this line "Am I cursed". Would that be a question asked of us or a statement being made? Oh yes, I am a stickler for that sort of thing as it distracts from the reading of thy prose.

Now...as for the poem itself. I will of course keep my statements from being assinine as I've been so accused of, to which I felt it was justified, but I digress.

Although some phrases are cliched and somewhat overused, I cannot fault you that as I'm as guilty of that as anyone else, but...the simplicity of it does bring out the visual aspect of what you are trying to convey. "It burns in my heart -- The Fire I cant' stop" would be more a statement of you've had used "cannot" instead of "can't" as it keeps a rhythm, a flow to those lines. Yet at least the two correlate and compliment each other as it brings to mind what burns in your heart where most would have said "thing" instead of being more specific.

There is one error I'm not too sure of though...did you mean "life" or "live" on the second to the last line of the last stanza?

Now...for those who seem to think I am an assinine braggart, let me say this.

Bardock...I feel that this poem speaks from youth in all its immaturity and a lack of insight and wisdom. The part of the cop is an allegory that has no meaning and is redundant in a way as to make it seem as if you were being clever and witty but it stops dead the continuity of thought and feeling and the emotion is left empty and without regard to those who would appreciate the brevity of your apathetic construct. While I feel the prose lacks the fortitude you tried so desperately to convey, it at least is original in that originality is not forced.

After all...I cannot allow those who think I am what I am to realise I am not and thus showing favoritism to them I favor more over others not of my ilk.

****ing hell.

Originally posted by Bardock42
Well, I guess I should post the poem they have been talking about, I mean, if they like it, it must be okay. I just named it now.

[b]The Bird in the Cloud after the End because of a Car

Go, just go
I don't need you
Anymore

Leave me
I know what we
could be

The sky is cloudy, but I feel alright
I see the bird in the pale light
and feel that I can live again
Without you, cause you love Ben [/B]

My opinion is that it is too straight forward. You need more imagery and metaphors...just my opinion....It's too straight on...

Originally posted by Deja~vu
My opinion is that it is too straight forward. You need more imagery and metaphors...just my opinion....It's too straight on...