Darth Jello
Cheese Spelunker
An alternative speech to provide "fair and balanced" messages to our children:
"Hello young Christian soldiers. This is Representative Michelle Bachmann with a message of blessing and hope for all children that have chosen to accept Jesus into their hearts and are truly worthy of the protection of our great nation as envisioned by President John Adams, even some of you who happen to be members of the mud races. I'm here to tell you that if you study hard in the traditions of James Kennedy and Rousas Rushdooney while avoiding the temptations of premarital sex, science, math, and other perversions of the flesh associated with what we like to call Jewish matters, you too can grow up to be a great American who pumps our gas, fights our wars, or sits and home with the children for you modest Christian ladies. Remember that taxes are a burden to all and you should save as much as possible. Bring school lunches and if your family can't afford that, remember, in the words of my colleague Cynthia Davis, "a Child's hunger can be a powerful motivator" to your success. School lunch is theft of our tax dollars so every time you order Salsbury Steak without paying for it, you're breaking a commandment. Avoid the peer pressures of drugs and multiculturalism. If your teachers decided to teach you about civil rights or the labor movement or how the government works, just tell them that you need "breathing room" and report them to your local Republican politician or conservative radio talk show host. Remember, when God ordained Capitalism upon the garden of Eden, it was Adam who ate the fruit of knowledge and was expelled. Non-Christian knowledge is communism and we must expel those bearing red fruits from our garden. You may be confused by hearing this together with President Obama's message, but remember, he's not like the great presidents of our time like Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush, and Warren Harding. He's not even an American. Don't let him pierce your heart with the spears of deceit he chucks as is the tendency of his tribe's desire to change the complexion of this great nation. And most importantly, tell your mommies and daddies that you don't want your SChip and that all government run health care is evil. After all, medicine for those who can't pay for it is just an entitlement unearned. God takes care of all his children who believe so I encourage all of you who are sick to pray and avoid the evils of taking hospital beds and doctors visits away from those who have earned it. I will be president someday but until then, remember, God bless America, and God bless some of you."