My boyfriend is angry that I had sex quickly with my ex

Up until this past Sunday, my relationship with my boyfriend ("John" )has been excellent. We met over a year ago and things really clicked between us. The chemistry was great. I'm 28, he's 26. He's on the conservative side so when we got serious he wanted to have "the talk." I basically told him that I don't think the past is important and that we should focus on the present and our future together. I think he grudgingly accepted that.

Things in the bedroom are pretty good. I made him wait sort of longish (about four and a half months) before we got intimate because that's how you get a guy into a serious relationship. He wasn't happy, but said he'd respect my wishes. Anyway, I concluded that he was the man for me.

Anyway when he came over on Sunday he had a funny look on his face. He said he wanted to discuss something. Basically, he found out that I had "dated" a guy he knows tangentially. He also said that he was told that I had sex with that guy on our first date. He asked me if that was true? I wasn't ready for that shock and didn't answer. I think he took that as a yes.

He quietly then said something like "so you made me wait for months but you put out to dirtbag "Mike" first night out?" I didn't know what to say. John then left. I've called him many times and it was only today that he finally picked up. He's agreed to meet up for a coffee later on tonight.

The story about "Mike" is true but I haven't admitted it. How do I handle this?! John is a really good man and I don't want him to leave me. How should I approach our coffee tonight and what can I say to get things back to the way they were?

Its true, tell him. But the you at that time had different ideals as the you in this time. If that makes any sense. Bring it to his attention that you're not with Mike anymore and the wait made it special and has strengthened you're love (or whatever) for John.

Or

Drug him... take him back to your place and brainwash him with repetitive music and a whip.

Originally posted by Dramatic Gecko
Its true, tell him. But the you at that time had different ideals as the you in this time. If that makes any sense. Bring it to his attention that you're not with Mike anymore and the wait made it special and has strengthened you're love (or whatever) for John.

Or

Drug him... take him back to your place and brainwash him with repetitive music and a whip.

I agree. 'Fess up about what happened between you and Mike, since he knows anyway, but tell him you were younger and have learned from your mistakes. Tell him that you were attracted to Mike casually and so had casual sex with him, but when you met him, John, you felt differently. He's someone you could be serious about so you wanted to wait to be sure. If he really loves you he should let the past belong to the past and focus on the good relationship the two of you have together now. I'd also tell him I'd like to forget the past. If he loves you, he will.

Originally posted by FeelinGuilty
Up until this past Sunday, my relationship with my boyfriend ("John" )has been excellent. We met over a year ago and things really clicked between us. The chemistry was great. I'm 28, he's 26. He's on the conservative side so when we got serious he wanted to have "the talk." I basically told him that I don't think the past is important and that we should focus on the present and our future together. I think he grudgingly accepted that.

Things in the bedroom are pretty good. I made him wait sort of longish (about four and a half months) before we got intimate because that's how you get a guy into a serious relationship. He wasn't happy, but said he'd respect my wishes. Anyway, I concluded that he was the man for me.

Anyway when he came over on Sunday he had a funny look on his face. He said he wanted to discuss something. Basically, he found out that I had "dated" a guy he knows tangentially. He also said that he was told that I had sex with that guy on our first date. He asked me if that was true? I wasn't ready for that shock and didn't answer. I think he took that as a yes.

He quietly then said something like "so you made me wait for months but you put out to dirtbag "Mike" first night out?" I didn't know what to say. John then left. I've called him many times and it was only today that he finally picked up. He's agreed to meet up for a coffee later on tonight.

The story about "Mike" is true but I haven't admitted it. How do I handle this?! John is a really good man and I don't want him to leave me. How should I approach our coffee tonight and what can I say to get things back to the way they were?

You should tell him the truth, tell him how you feel (that you really like him, etc.). Basically what Julianna said.

Also I don't think that waiting for months to have sex is actually a way to get someone into a serious relationship.

Of course tell him the truth, but make sure he understands that that was you then, and this is you now.

you should tell him that you want quickly quickies with other men.

starting with parenthesis

I'm curious as to why the OP hasn't justified the difference in behavior, and why everyone else has assumed kindly that it was because of a change in maturity.

Regarding what little we know of your situation, it seems that your boyfriend has made two large concessions: waiting for sex (which is a bigger deal for some than others) and not discussing the past (which seems a bit odd to request of someone you want to be serious with). There needs to be some compromise in a relationship, and in both of those situations the implication is that your standards were the standards.

Since the time frame has passed where you would have met with him, this might all be for nothing, but I highly recommend in the future making sure the standards of the relationship are not one-sided (If my perception is accurate; I admit it may not be). It can avoid one person feeling victimized by the other, especially in unfortunate situations like this.

Originally posted by Dave_97
you should tell him that you want quickly quickies with other men.

starting with parenthesis

With great power comes great responsibility. Use your gonads wisely.

Originally posted by Stealth Moose
I'm curious as to why the OP hasn't justified the difference in behavior, and why everyone else has assumed kindly that it was because of a change in maturity.

Regarding what little we know of your situation, it seems that your boyfriend has made two large concessions: waiting for sex (which is a bigger deal for some than others) and not discussing the past (which seems a bit odd to request of someone you want to be serious with). There needs to be some compromise in a relationship, and in both of those situations the implication is that your standards were the standards.

Since the time frame has passed where you would have met with him, this might all be for nothing, but I highly recommend in the future making sure the standards of the relationship are not one-sided (If my perception is accurate; I admit it may not be). It can avoid one person feeling victimized by the other, especially in unfortunate situations like this.

She implied heavily that she desired a relationship with her current bf, but not the guy she had sex with before. I wouldn't presume as to her maturity level then and now.

Originally posted by Bardock42
She implied heavily that she desired a relationship with her current bf, but not the guy she had sex with before. I wouldn't presume as to her maturity level then and now.

Well, instead of diving in and repeating the same advice with everyone else, I looked closely at why everyone came up with the same advice. There's no justification for the difference in intimacy levels between the two men, and there's no given time reference for how long ago it took place. The concept of date is even put in quotation marks, as if it was never really a date. So my question is:

Why is the change in maturity a given on behalf of those giving advice?

Your boyfriend sounds like a little b!tch.

But why did you **** Mike on the first date and not this guy, and why didn't you want to talk about your past?

Originally posted by Stealth Moose
Well, instead of diving in and repeating the same advice with everyone else, I looked closely at why everyone came up with the same advice. There's no justification for the difference in intimacy levels between the two men, and there's no given time reference for how long ago it took place. The concept of date is even put in quotation marks, as if it was never really a date. So my question is:

Why is the change in maturity a given on behalf of those giving advice?

I think you are assuming too much, the advice was to say that she had matured, it was not based on her actually having matured.

Originally posted by Bardock42
I think you are assuming too much, the advice was to say that she had matured, it was not based on her actually having matured.

My question still stands, regardless of what you may think I am assuming. For all we know, she slept with Mike in a one night stand right before she met this guy, so he might have a valid reason for questioning why things are different. How can I give advice to someone based on my assumption that they did their earlier mistake (which she does not refer to it as a mistake) out of lack of maturity? Why should I offer advice for her to say this if it is explicitly not the case?

I mean, the idea is that we only know what she had posted. I don't see why I have to assume the difference in behavior is tied to maturity when nothing she's stated indicated as much. I also don't see the reason to provide excuses for someone if they haven't evaluated their own relationship behaviors. Honest advice is better than dishonest advice.

Well, again, you are basing the whole response on an assumption that people think she has matured. We know what she told us and what she desires (continue to be with John), to that end one can give advice what she should say to him.

To be honest I find the whole idea that sleeping with someone on the first date is immature a bit silly. I don't know how her presumed maturity factors into it at all.

Let's take an analysis, shall we?

Her username is "feelinguilty", obviously related to the situation that she regrets not telling "John" about "Mike". Her first paragraph states she got the impression "John" grudgingly accepted her stance of not focusing on the past. By putting these two together, we can deduce that she feels she should have told him, but didn't want to because she doesn't want to talk about the past. Later in the story when she was confronted, she "didn't answer", meaning she still didn't want to tell him. There are two reasons for this, either she regrets her happenings with "Mike" or she didn't want to have her partner being compared to "Mike". Both can be true, but I think it's the former.

She put the word "dated" in quotation marks, this implies she doesn't believe it to be a real relationship. This is also confirmed by her earlier statements of "I made him wait sort of longish (about four and a half months) before we got intimate because that's how you get a guy into a serious relationship." So her belief of a serious relationship is making the guy wait (Bardock obvs doesn't believe in this but that's another debate). We can conclude that "Mike" wasn't serious and "John" is serious. With that in mind, there is no comparison, it's serious versus non-serious.

She also referred to "Mike" as "dirtbag Mike" via "John" and and said they knew each other "tangentially" which is like saying they went to school together but never really hung out. The distinction between the two men means she has a low opinion on "Mike", so she also regrets her previous actions. Her relationship with "Mike" could be a factor in her change of attitude towards men. Let's also remember she went from putting out on the first date to a guy she "dated" to making the guy wait to have a serious relationship. Some would call that maturity, I would at the very least call it a change in character. Let's also remember the point about her not wanting to talk about the past, this to me at least, implies she regrets her past, probably feels guilty about her past, so again, a chance in character.

That's why people are saying it's a case of that was then, this is now.

If I wanted to be a misogynistic dick, I could analyse further and say there were many "Mikes" and that "John" is opening pandora's box (lolololololol) hence the fear from FeelinGuilty about telling him. Julianna, as a woman, knows what it's like to be with a random guy for a while only to realise it wasn't worth it and boldly makes the distinction between casual sex and serious feelings (although they are heavily implied in the post), and stresses the importance of the past being the past. This is because women sleep around when they're young thinking they're all that, then they cry when they don't get their own way. So they stop sleeping around and become boring, I mean mature. But that's just misogynistic dick talk, I don't know these women at all.

Hi everyone.

John and I did get together yesterday and while we did talk a fair bit it was really awkward and difficult. I told him that I wanted to wait because I wanted a long term relationship and that he is in fact special. I also told him that Mike was not special at all – pretty much a douche actually.

So John’s feelings are this. He says that guys want to feel that they are special and that they are sexually attractive to their girlfriends. That means they want to believe that they were irresistible to their girl and that she jumped his bones right away. Also, guys want to believe that previous boyfriends were resistible and that it took a long time for them to “get her.” John found out that with us it was exactly the opposite. Mike got there right away and John “had to wait.”

He didn’t like waiting but did so because he figured that’s how I am always. So as he put it, it was like a kick to the balls when he found out about Mike. John then added that he was told I had done some “other stuff” with Mike. I didn’t give him an answer so John figured I have. He then asked why I haven’t done that with him even though he had suggested it a few times. Again, I tried the “special” argument but he wasn’t really buying.

So he feels like he’s been played or duped. He’s also lost face to Mike and unfortunately Mike (and his equally lame buddies) is an idiot we periodically run into.

John is a really good man. He’s probably the most solid respectful guy I’ve met and I should have treated him better. I just don’t know how to move forward.

Get over it.

You lied to this guy and still want him and want to call him special. Yet you can't answer simple questions that the guy asks. I say if he leaves you that is a good thing, as you seem to not be able to provide any clear answer as to why you did what you did.

If I'm going to becompletely honest, I did what I did because I didn't want him to think that I was easy. And the harsh truth is that up until John came into my life, I sort of was a bit. I know that guys marry different girls than the ones they party with. I wanted to be in the marriage category so I was kind of conservative with John.

Originally posted by FeelinGuilty
Up until this past Sunday, my relationship with my boyfriend ("John" )has been excellent. We met over a year ago and things really clicked between us. The chemistry was great. I'm 28, he's 26. He's on the conservative side so when we got serious he wanted to have "the talk." I basically told him that I don't think the past is important and that we should focus on the present and our future together. I think he grudgingly accepted that.

Things in the bedroom are pretty good. I made him wait sort of longish (about four and a half months) before we got intimate because that's how you get a guy into a serious relationship. He wasn't happy, but said he'd respect my wishes. Anyway, I concluded that he was the man for me.

Anyway when he came over on Sunday he had a funny look on his face. He said he wanted to discuss something. Basically, he found out that I had "dated" a guy he knows tangentially. He also said that he was told that I had sex with that guy on our first date. He asked me if that was true? I wasn't ready for that shock and didn't answer. I think he took that as a yes.

He quietly then said something like "so you made me wait for months but you put out to dirtbag "Mike" first night out?" I didn't know what to say. John then left. I've called him many times and it was only today that he finally picked up. He's agreed to meet up for a coffee later on tonight.

The story about "Mike" is true but I haven't admitted it. How do I handle this?! John is a really good man and I don't want him to leave me. How should I approach our coffee tonight and what can I say to get things back to the way they were?

Originally posted by FeelinGuilty
If I'm going to becompletely honest, I did what I did because I didn't want him to think that I was easy. And the harsh truth is that up until John came into my life, I sort of was a bit. I know that guys marry different girls than the ones they party with. I wanted to be in the marriage category so I was kind of conservative with John.

But he would be inhuman not to be a bit irked. No guy wants to hear things like that about their gal. If he cares for you then he'll accept your past.

For the record, my past is the LAST thing I want to talk about with a girl I date. I've got more skeletons that I care to remember. But bartending at a nightclub in college, then working at a large chain gym that's located near Hooters and 3 strip clubs will give you a colorful past. But that isn't me now.

You should tell him you're not the same person you were. Good luck with everything.