My boyfriend is angry that I had sex quickly with my ex

Originally posted by FeelinGuilty
Up until this past Sunday, my relationship with my boyfriend ("John" )has been excellent. We met over a year ago and things really clicked between us. The chemistry was great. I'm 28, he's 26. He's on the conservative side so when we got serious he wanted to have "the talk." I basically told him that I don't think the past is important and that we should focus on the present and our future together. I think he grudgingly accepted that.

Things in the bedroom are pretty good. I made him wait sort of longish (about four and a half months) before we got intimate because that's how you get a guy into a serious relationship. He wasn't happy, but said he'd respect my wishes. Anyway, I concluded that he was the man for me.

Anyway when he came over on Sunday he had a funny look on his face. He said he wanted to discuss something. Basically, he found out that I had "dated" a guy he knows tangentially. He also said that he was told that I had sex with that guy on our first date. He asked me if that was true? I wasn't ready for that shock and didn't answer. I think he took that as a yes.

He quietly then said something like "so you made me wait for months but you put out to dirtbag "Mike" first night out?" I didn't know what to say. John then left. I've called him many times and it was only today that he finally picked up. He's agreed to meet up for a coffee later on tonight.

The story about "Mike" is true but I haven't admitted it. How do I handle this?! John is a really good man and I don't want him to leave me. How should I approach our coffee tonight and what can I say to get things back to the way they were?

Mike must have been better at sex.

Guess my misogynistic analysis was kinda accurate. haermm women care so much about sex it's hilarious.

Originally posted by FeelinGuilty
If I'm going to becompletely honest, I did what I did because I didn't want him to think that I was easy. And the harsh truth is that up until John came into my life, I sort of was a bit. I know that guys marry different girls than the ones they party with. I wanted to be in the marriage category so I was kind of conservative with John.

You and John are both in your late 20s according to your 1st post, but you don't seem to be behaving with the maturity and honesty necessary for a successful marriage at this point in your relationship.
How does John know Mike? Are they friends, coworkers? Are you? There are still some unknowns here about the dichotomy of this relationship ( and your past relationship with John) that makes it more difficult to advise than it would be if we knew more.

I think you need to throw your "marrying girl"/"partying girl" dichotomy (edit: I wonder if I used that word cause Juliana did, whose posts I still think are quite excellent, although I think I used it more correctly) overboard. Be honest with your boyfriends, tell him how you felt, and how you will move forward. If he would like to try something sexually, and you would like to do it as well, but think that that's not "marriage material behaviour" then just do it. You want him to like you for who you are right, so tell him who you are and if he doesn't like it then it wouldn't have been smart marrying him anyways.

You guys have been dating for over a year.. And at this point he's finding out that you were doing things with/for another guy that was potentially beyond anything he's had to date?

And a year later he's never really gotten the same thing? The problem now is that he will always feel like he's living in Mike's shadow...

If you don't do the same acts... John will feel like you really did like Mike more sexually and will feel hurt by the fact that you don't feel like he's a man.

If you do do the same acts then he'll still feel like he's living in Mike's shadow and you are only doing it now because he knows you've done it for Mike.

John's likely to feel inadequate for a while.

Basically it all boils down to the fact that you are making him feel like he's a loser or you are just settling for him and that you aren't really passionate for him like you were for Mike.

This sounds like some odd "nice guys finnish last" bit.

Originally posted by Robtard
This sounds like some odd "nice guys finnish last" bit.

I agree.

You know what the moral of OP's story is, ladies? Always put out on the first date.

Originally posted by BackFire
You know what the moral of OP's story is, ladies? Always put out on the first date.

Ask him to forgive you.
..."forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from every evil amen."

EDIT never mind I thought you cheated on him.

I'd be fine, I'd think I was special for you waiting or making me wait.

I'd want a girl that doesn't want to just throw herself at me.

i'll add to the majority of comments on here. be honest with him on everything if you plan to marry the man. "the past is the past" will always be viewed as a poor cop out to maintain secrecy. there are no secrets in marriage.
be honest with him. if he accepts it then it's meant to be. if he doesn't accept it then move on. if you hold back, the entire marriage will be based on a false premise. that is unfair to him.
just listen to the advice of others on here as well. they are steering you in the right direction.

Originally posted by ThorinWoofer
Get over it.

You lied to this guy and still want him and want to call him special. Yet you can't answer simple questions that the guy asks. I say if he leaves you that is a good thing, as you seem to not be able to provide any clear answer as to why you did what you did.

exactly.

she needs to take responsibility rather than make herself out to be the victim.

her husband to be was the victim.

Another issue that points out just which "head" men think with.

Your past is your past for a reason. Your current boyfriend does not have to know every.single.detail of your previous life before meeting him. You most definitely don't know everything that happened in his life before meeting you, so why should you feel obligated and pressured into telling him sh*t like this?

KELLY!

I missed you. I was thinking about you the other day. I was wondering what you were up to, these days. How it is with you?

Unless I am missing something, the original poster didn't exactly lie to her boyfriend. When you date someone, do you tell that person every other person you've slept with? I haven't dated anyone who would want to know that information. In fact, when I've tried to talk about it with my current boyfriend of a year, he just says he doesn't want to talk about it and changes the subject. It isn't something your partner wants to think about. Obviously you've been with other people, the past is in the past but we're in the present, we move on from that.

Which brings me to the fact that your boyfriend is being a ridiculous *****. What happened with the other guy is in the past and happened before him and has NOTHING to do with him. What you did back then and how you have changed since then has nothing to do with him. If he is angry over something so little and childish, get rid of him because there is no way you will have an actual relationship.

You didn't do anything wrong if what you have posted is true. I don't go about telling everyone I've dated who I've slept with an such. It's irrelevant.

Sorry girl, but I think you're relationship with "John" is done, now that you've blown your cover.

Looking at the way you described this guy (John), he seems to be the honest-to-goodness goody-two-shoes type of guy.
He probably thinks about this shit everyday, especially if he sees "Mike" and the gang often.
And maybe other stuff, like the times he spent with you wasted, or if you're ****ing with other guys besides "Mike".

YouTube video

Do you smoke pot?

If you are going behind your boyfriend's back having sex with your ex then you deserve to be gone. You and your kind make it difficult for any good man to achieve a relationship. It's in your foolishness that you keep perpetuating stereotypes of good men being a myth. As difficult it might be for him to get over you, it would be justice for you to get out of his life. This is a foolish generation where it's common for a woman to go back to their ex's. The way you believe has hampered you from making any real progress in the world, the media's got you messed up like a child and the videos got you dancing like a marionette and you buck dance for the enemy. I bet you got your boyfriend thinking he's failure for your mistake. Made him feel weak for not having a powerful enough influence to remain faithful to him. However if the tables were turned, you'd want him to assume full responsibility for it. Guess again, you are responsible for your actions. Suffering isn't fair and doesn't have to come from wrongdoing but the wrongs of the other person. You made a bad choice and you will lose the trust that you once had for each other. He should move on with his life and heal, you wounded the relationship. Commitment is a serious thing in a relationship and never to be taken lightly. I would advise you to stay away from your ex because what you did to your boyfriend, your ex can do to you and can come with severe consequences that will drain your life. I hope you find spiritual and emotional healing within yourself, your boyfriend and your ex.