A man dies and goes to Hell. Satan greets him, shows him 3 doors and says 'You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want'
The man opens the first door and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally he opens the third door and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in sh!t.
'Hmm, that looks bad but it looks better than the other two, so I'll take Room 3 please' he says to Satan. Satan smiles and shows him in.
Ten minutes later Satan walks back in to the room and shouts 'Alright coffee break's over, everyone back on your heads'
Guy walks into a Southern bar and orders a white wine
All the locals sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
"Canada?!" the bartender says, "what do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers to the whole room, "IT'S OK BOYS... HE'S ONE OF US!"
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
An American loses his job due to his work being off-shored. He is very depressed and calls a mental health hot line. He gets a call center in Pakistan where the call center employee asks, “What seems to be the problem?” The American responds that he has lost his job due to the work being sent overseas and states, “I am really depressed and actually suicidal.” The call center employee says, “Great. Can you drive a truck?”
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his wang after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your mistress find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your wang.
3) Or finding out your wang actually fits through your wedding ring.