Einstein was born March 14, 1879.
He would be 130 if he were alive today.
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. Einstein said that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as....
Einstein's Theory of "Relative T!tty."
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and
finally she agrees to go out with him.
He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with
expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of
the road in a secluded spot.
They start kissing and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to
reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin
and wants to stay that way.
"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"
"EEEEyyyyyyeeeew!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in
my mouth!"
He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used
to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
She nods.
"Well, it's just like that."
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking
it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest,
his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows
out of his ears and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!"
I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday.
I walked into a hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the nugget out.
Those less suspecting might not be so lucky so pass this warning on.
The old Farmer brings home a New Young Rooster from town to help out with the hens. The Old Rooster, not wanting to give up any of his hens, approaches the Young Rooster and says "now boy I ain't going to agree to give up any of my hens, and you ain't going to agree to not have any hens, so here is what we are going to do. We are going to race around the farm house one time and the winner will get to rule the roost."
Well the Young Rooster thinks to himself, this Old Rooster can't keep up with me I am young and can run. So he agrees.
The Old Rooster continued "Now, with you being so young and spry I am going to need a head start."
The Young rooster thinks about it for a minute and says " Sure old man, I can catch you and beat you with no problem"
So the fairest of the hens drops her wing and the Old Rooster takes off, a few seconds later she drops her other wing and the Young rooster takes off. As they cross in front of the farm house the Old Rooster is leading by about 10 yards......
*Shot Gun Blast*
"Damn," the farmer screams at his dog laying on the porch, "that is the 4th gay rooster that I have brought home this week"
Originally posted by Nuke Nixon
I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday.I walked into a hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the nugget out.
Those less suspecting might not be so lucky so pass this warning on.
I also hate the people at Home Depot 👆
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."