A man gets a blow job from a woman at work.
Feeling guilty, he runs to the nearest church looking to confess his sins. He checks the confessional but the priest is nowhere to be found. He sees an alter boy and thinks maybe he’ll know what punishment the priest usually gives for infidelity.
He approaches the alter boy and says “Hey kid, what does the priest give for a blow job?”
The alter boy responds without looking up “Well, it’s changed over the years but lately it’s been two Kit-Kats and a Pepsi.”
An American wrestler is going into the final round of the Olympics and unfortunately he's got to go up against this undefeated Russian who's broken the backs of his two previous opponents with a patented move called "The Pretzel Hold".
In the pre-fight meeting, the coach for the American wrestler says, "If that madman gets you in the "Pretzel Hold", I'm throwing in the towel".
The American wrestler said, "Well, I appreciate it because I don't want to wind up like those two other guys".
So the match begins, and sure enough, within 30 seconds the Russian has the American in the "Pretzel Hold" and is REALLY wrenching down on him. The coach for the American is frantically looking for a towel to throw in.
The American wrestler, on the verge of losing consciousness, looks up and sees this nutsack hanging in front of his face. He figures, "What the hell", and bites it as hard as he possibly can.
Immediately, he comes flying out of the "Pretzel Hold", grabs the Russian, and pins him. The crowd goes WILD!!!.
In the after match press conference, the reporters repeatedly asked, "How in the world did you manage to pin the guy, let alone get out the "Pretzel Hold"?" The American wrestler, paused for a minute, and then said, "It's amazing what you can do when you bite your own nutsack".
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with his friends when an exceptionally beautifull, extremely sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The man considered his proposition for a moment and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand along with his address. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."
Jack and Mary work in a corporate office building together. Their boss has a dilemma, both are hard, diligent workers but the company's not doing so well, and cannot afford to keep both. He decides he's going to watch them both from his office one day, and whoever works the hardest will keep their job. On friday, he watches them all through the day. Finally, he sees Mary stop her work to go to the break room to fetch a Tylenol. He meets here there and explains to her the situation.
"Mary, I'm sorry about this. I don't know how to tell you this, but i'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
Mary looks back at him and replies, "well, can you just jack off? I have a headache."
A hillbilly knocks on the door of his new neighbor’s house.
"Howdy neighbor", he says. "In honor of you movin' in to the holler, I'm gonna throw a party. There's gonna be a whole lot of drinkin', a whole lot of dancin' and a whole lot of screwin'."
"Sounds like fun", the neighbor says, "what can I bring?"
Hillbilly replies, "You can bring anything you want; just gonna be you and me."