Gender: Female Location: at the second star to the right
(The Pearl has reached the Indianapolis Motor Speedway)
Gibbs: (runs down to the pier) Lambeau Field! Lambeau Field!
Will: Gibbs, we're in Indianapolis and as far as I know, they don't really care about football much.
(Everyone looks at him strangely)
Elizabeth: Oh, Will. What ten years away has done to you. But I guess they're old news anyway.
Jack: (comes down and joins them) Had I known this was a little tea party, I would have hired a whole new crew. Ergo, I will go do the rescuing and reap all the benefits of being hero of said mission, and the rest of you biddies can just chit chat about some stupid American sport until the proverbial cows come home.
Barbossa: I'm with ya, Jack! (draws sword in one hand, gun in the other) I'm thinkin' we'll take the lass hostage, drag her onto the Pearl, take her to the Isla de Muerta and spill her blood over the treasure!
Elizabeth: You already did that! Don't you remember me before I became your king?
Barbossa: I block it out, lass. I block it out.
(James comes down. He and Sailor are carrying a catapault.)
James: Always a good idea to have a catapault.
Sailor: There's a bunch of rum bottles down below we can launch.
Gibbs: Not those!
Meanwhile, in a dark, dark place...
(Katie is still tied up in her chair. She looks around nervously. She looks like she is about to cry. Suddenly, her eyes flash. It is as if a light bulb has gone off over her head)
Kidnapper: I hope you're comfortable, Katie. It seems you're going to be here a long time. Your friends have abandoned you.
Katie: That pales in comparison to the fact that I know who you are now.
Kidnapper: What?
Katie: You and your friend who slapped the jerky out of my mouth. I've been in a few flops, my friend, but with only a few bad actors. You are Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett from Pearl Harbor. You cost me my Best Actress nomination!
(Ben Affleck emerges from the shadows)
Ben: Okay, look, my brother is now the talent in the family. I won't be able to make much money anymore. What was the last thing you saw Josh in?
Katie: Cloverfield?
Ben: No! That stupid 40 Days 40 Nights movie! We need the money, Katie! And you, you will get it to us. The Turners live very comfortably.
Katie: Oh I beg to differ. They may have nice things, but their friends make life very uncomfortable for them sometimes.
Ben: Be that as it may, Ms Beckinsale, you are dooooomed!
Cut back to the Speedway port. Yeah, there's a Speedway port now.
Junior: Okay, Dad. I brought Michelle. (holds the paintball gun) Let's go kick ass!
(Will and Elizabeth scowl)
Junior: Uh, Uncle Jack ruled that was our team motto.
Jack: And why not? I like it and it's true. Follow me!
Will they save Katie? Will Ben and Josh see the light and find legitimate work? And will they use the catapault? Find out!
Gender: Female Location: May or may not be somewhere else.
I plowed through all those pages I haven't read since i was gone, and they were all HILARIOUS! ROFL!
I must say this one i qouted here needs an honorable mention...
well, that's it mates! AWEsome willo, I see your AWEsomeness in making stuff like these haven't diminished one bit (disregards the fact she was only gone for no more than a month... me thinks...)
Gender: Female Location: at the second star to the right
(Katie watches Ben Affleck pace nervously. She is amused.)
Ben: They should have been here by now. Maybe they don't care about you.
Katie: Probably.
Josh: (runs in) Ben! Ben! A whole posse of pirates has just been seen parading around the Speedway, pillaging the whole time!
Katie: Nice alliteration.
Ben: At last. (claps hands together) Well, Katie, it will soon be goodbye.
Josh: Hurry. And remember, our masks. (he dons on a Ronald Reagan mask. Ben Affleck puts on a Jimmy Carter one. They run outside)
Outside...
(They guys are running towards the kidnapers they see. Elizabeth holds her stomach and lags behind)
Elizabeth: Wait for me!
"Ronald Reagan:" Well well, you must be the Turners. Didn't know you'd be bringing a posse.
Will: (seems proud) Yes, uh, these are our sidekicks. (Jack, James, Gibbs, and Barbossa look put off) They've come to provide comic relief and offer home-spun advice.
Gibbs: It's a fine location you've picked, Presidents Carter and Reagan. What you didn't count on is that the cunning Ms. Beckinsale has a whole plethora of exits to use.
James: How do you know the word plethora?
Gibbs: Junior bought me a dictionary! (pats Junior on the head)
"Carter:" Enough! The money, Mr. Turner.
Will: Technically, I'm Captain Will Turner, retired ship captain.
"Reagan:" We've seen those specials and don't find them funny!
(Elizabeth catches up)
Elizabeth: It's all right, everyone. Don't mind the pregnant lady. I'll just be over here. (she sits on the bleachers and takes out her pistol. She starts whistling "A Pirate's Life For Me" as she dusts it off)
Jack: You think we're stupid, masked ex-presidents? How do we know Katie's even here?
"Carter:" She's here. Uh, go and get her B-uh, Reagan. Ronnie. Ronald Reagan. Mr. Reagan.
("Reagan" starts to walk off, but Jack points his gun at him)
Jack: I think we'll all be joining ye, mate.
("Carter" points his gun at Jack. Will, Elizabeth, James, Barbossa, and Gibbs point their guns. Junior whips out Michelle.)
Jack: And now, let's see who's enough of a eunuch he thought he could look scary by looking like a president who loved jellybeans. (snatches the mask off)
All: Josh Hartnett!
James: Wait a second! If that's Josh Hartnett, Jimmy Carter must really be Ben Affleck! (rips off Ben's mask. They all gasp)
Junior: (puts his hands behind his back and begins a self-righteous pacing between them) And so it all comes together. Two actors, overshadowed by more talented, better looking performers in their age group, hungry for money, hungry for accomplishment. What better way to get both of these in quick succession than to abduct a former castmate who has done better, career-wise, relationship-wise, and just is outstanding in general?
Gibbs: Boy that dictionary is really something.
(Ben and Josh try to run. A huge brawl breaks out. The guys are busy trading punches. Elizabeth looks eager to join, but keeps her seat at the bleachers. Ben runs by. Elizabeth takes the opportunity and shoots him from her seat.)
Ben: My ass! (falls to the ground)
Elizabeth: I never miss.
(There is suddenly a loud crash. In a racecar, Sailor comes driving in through a row of porter-potties.)
Sailor: Everybody! I found some gas and lit a match to catch the bad guys, and to make a long story short, something's going to explode soon! (swerves in a circle. They force Ben and Josh inside)
Barbossa: Jack! What're you doin?
Jack: I'll be back in just a second! (runs off)
(Sailor speeds away. James is scrunched next to her in the front seat)
James: I have never been more attracted to you than I am right now. (Sailor smiles. They drive out of the 500)
Down in the basement...
Jack: Katie! Katie! (runs down the steps, trips on the last one, but catches himself)
Katie: Jack! Jack, it's Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett!
Jack: That's old news. (unties her)
Katie: I can't believe you came back for me! That's so brave!
Jack: Gush about it later or else my ears will be too far away to hear any of it.
(Katie looks confused as they run)
(Everyone is a block or two away from the 500. Jack and Katie come running. There is an explosion just behind them)
Elizabeth: What blew up?
Sailor: I found a porsche that must belong to our culprits here so I decided I'd set it on fire.
James: Are you all right, Katie?
Katie: Can I gush now?
Jack: Sure, but none of it will be true, keep in mind.
Katie: You're so amazing and wonderful and once you scratch the surface, you find a really truly good man.
Jack: (smiling but plays it cool) You're just happy you're with someone a little more masculine than these two.
Ben: And we would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids.
Elizabeth: Speaking of kids...
(They all look at her)
Will: Elizabeth? What's wrong?
Elizabeth: I think my water just broke!
Well, obviously some time has gone by. What will happen next? Find out soon!
Gender: Female Location: at the second star to the right
Okay, this is it! Who won the contest?
Will: What?
Elizabeth: (sticks her arm out to him for support) It's okay...I have to get to the hospital. (lets out a groan)
Will: Okay, okay. (breathes) okay. Get in the car. Sailor, the hospital and step on it.
Sailor: Ooh! This is so exciting. Okay, Elizabeth, if I remember television sitcoms correctly, you'll be screaming and saying how much you hate Will, and Will will just freak out and you'll end up having the baby here in the racecar!
Will and Elizabeth: What?!
Sailor: Uh, nothing. You guys sit tight back there. James, shotgun?
James: I'm on it. (hops in passenger sheet. The car takes off. James whips out his cell phone) I hate using these...Hello? Hello? Jack? Just follow us, all right? No, in the racecar. No, the porsche blew up. Jack, there is no porsche anymore. Ben and Josh? (looks around) Hey, Will, are you guys alone back there?
Will: (holding Elizabeth's hand) What does it look like? Drive!
James: (back on his phone) Well, Will says we're alone. Yes, I do believe him. Just meet us at the hospital. (hangs up) Bizarre pirate.
(Jack has found another racecar. He and Katie hop in)
Jack: All right. Hot wiring, hot wiring...(looks at the car) You know, I came all this way and rescued you and I think it's time you pulled your weight.
Katie: You want me to hot wire a racecar?
Jack: (swaggers forward, looking cocky) I'd rather you hot wire me, but this neither the time nor the place. (grins. Katie seems to enjoy it)
Katie: Give me one second...
Meanwhile...
(Everyone has arrived at the hospital. Barbossa and Gibbs are now with everyone, as is Junior)
Will: Barbossa, call my father. (tosses him the phone) That number connects directly with the dad-link.
Barbossa: (groans) Should I leave a message?
(Gibbs and Junior nod)
Barbossa: (rolls eyes) Uh, top of the mornin' to you, Bootstrap. This is the old man what plunged you to the bottom of the sea all those years ago. Just wanted to let you know that I'm here with your daughter-in-law and she's, well, she's breathing weird and I don't know what a contraction is, but she's having a bunch of them pretty close together. We'll keep ya posted. Ta! (hangs up)
Elizabeth: (to the nurse) I'm delivering! I need a room!
Nurse: Okay, just let me page the doctor.
Later...
(Dr. Savvysparrowluv has entered. She looks excited.)
Dr. Savvy: Hi, I see your contractions are coming along nicely, but we're not quite there yet. Why don't you two go for a walk?
Will: Listen, I don't know what Doogie Howser med school you graduated from but she's going into labor. This is not time for a stroll along the beach.
Jack: Let me explain something to you, dear William. When a woman in Lizzie's situation is going to push something out of her, gravity is most beneficial, savvy?
Will: Oh. Well...Elizabeth. Let's walk.
Elizabeth: (looks pained) For how long?
Will: Until Miss Cutie-pie doctor says we don't have to. (they take a lap)
Dr. Savvy: All right. Everyone who's not a parent, out to the waiting room.
Junior: What if I'm related to the parents?
Dr. Savvy: Aren't you cute? (pats his head) Here's a Tootsie Pop.
Junior: (looks at her) I can't be bribed with candy. You're looking at Wiliam Turner the Third here.
Dr. Savvy: Well then, you can stay and see parts of your mother you never wanted to before.
(Junior runs out of the room)
Out in the waiting room...
Gibbs: (to Junior) Well, up until this point, it's been smooth sailing for the young sperm. He's been boarded up with his brothers and is living the high life, no bigger than a speck! Then, all of a sudden, he has to travel down this tube...or is it up? But anyway, a perilous journey it is. All around them are monsters, my boy, with teeth as sharp as needle points. They know only one will make it to the treasure in time. He just keeps swimming, against current, against storm, against time itself until he sees it...the treasure!
Katie: Mr. Gibbs, why don't you tell Junior the story about Odysseus and the Cyclops instead?
Gibbs: Oh! That is a good one. Okay, legend has it...
(Jack comes back from the cafeteria with some cups)
Jack: Coffee for the acclaimed actress (hands Katie a cup), Fritos for the kiddies (hands bag to Gibbs and Junior), fresh smuggled bottle of whiskey for Captain Sparrow and nothing for mean ugly you. (to Barbossa)
Katie: Were you in there with Elizabeth last time?
Jack: I was indeed. (sees James and Sailor arrive) You were their ride. Where have you been?
Sailor: The racecar got confiscated from us.
James: Well, it was never ours to begin with. The authorities took it. Apparently, Josh and Ben took off, free to make trouble at another time.
Gender: Female Location: at the second star to the right
I promised tonight would be the night, so it continues!
(In the hospital room)
Dr. Savvy: All right, how was the walk?
(Elizabeth just growls at her)
Dr. Savvy: All right then. I think you're ready. DH, or dear hubby, (to Will. He doesn't laugh) you're going to have to don these elegant scrubs.
(Will throws the scrubs on over his clothes)
Will: (sniffs them) Why do they smell like chocolate?
Dr. Savvy: Those are Nurse Helga's. She's a big girl. She likes to eat chocolate when she watches The View. Okay, Elizabeth, give me a big push.
(Elizabeth grunts. Will holds her hand)
Will: Did Jack give you any comforting words last time?
Elizabeth: (trying to concentrate) Uh, last time he basically said things like, "Oh bugger" and "You're such a badass."
Will: We'll try that then. You have a very bad ass, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: I'm glad you're here, Will. (shares a loving look before she grunts in pain again)
Dr. Savvy: Again!
Elizabeth: This is worse than last time! (tries to be loving with Will again) I love you. (moans) This is going to be the difficult kid!
Will: Is there anything I can do to help?
Dr. Savvy: This is kind of a mom thing, Mr. Turner.
Will and Elizabeth: Captain Turner, retired ship captain.
Dr. Savvy: That was weird. Hey, do you guys know Jack Sparrow?
(Elizabeth screams in pain)
Will: That means yes.
Dr. Savvy: Ah. Oh! You're almost there, Elizabeth! One more. Give it all you've got.
Back in the waiting room...
Barbossa: (still with Will's phone) Hello? Bootstrap! What a surprise. I know I just called you.
James: Why do you still have Will's phone?
Barbossa: (shushes him) Yes, we've been here for a while. Any time now. No, we're just waiting. SOME of us are having some refreshment. (glares at Jack) Call you back.
James: You need to give Will his phone.
Barbossa: I think I'll hang onto it until he misses it.
Katie: (getting annoyed with him) Hey, Barbossa. (waits for him to look) Mmm, look what I have! Coffee! (sips it slowly)
Barbossa: Miserable wench.
Sailor: Maybe we should go to the gift shop and get something for them.
(Will rushes in)
Will: We have a girl! We have a girl! (starts randomly shaking hands) She's 7.3 pounds and she's covered in goop and they've taken her to wash off but she's cute and there's no penis!
Gibbs: (to Junior) And THAT'S how the story of the sperm ends.
Junior: I have a little sister? (runs to Will and hugs him) Can I see her?
Will: As soon as she's back you can all see her! I was saving these. I heard new dads give them out. (brings out a box full of cigars. He sticks one in Junior's mouth) Everybody gets one!
(James promptly takes it out of Junior's mouth)
Will: Jack! I have a daughter!
Jack: I heard, mate. We'll have another Pirate King on our hands.
Will: I just never thanked you for being there for when Junior was...to see all of it and...(hugs him) You're just the best, man!
Jack: (uncomfortably pats him) Uh, any time you're away on supernatural affairs.
Dr. Savvy: Okay, everyone can come in.
(Elizabeth is holding a little baby wrapped up in a blanket. Her hair is soaked and she looks like crap, but she looks happy)
Elizabeth: Junior, come here.
(Junior leans over and looks)
Junior: She's really pink. But she's cute.
Elizabeth: (laughs) We love you too, don't forget.
Junior: I know.
(Sailor snaps a picture. Gibbs wipes a tear. Barbossa smiles and calls Bootstrap back.)
Elizabeth: Jack, you want to be the first non-parent to hold her?
Jack: I'm far too sophisticated to hold a baby, love. (runs over and gently takes the baby from her. He smiles down at her.) And what have the parents decided to name her?
Elizabeth: Oh, we haven't decided yet. (nods at Will)
Dr. Savvy: All right. Let's give the parents some air. (shoos them out) Jack. (waits for Jack to turn) They'll need the baby. (Jack hands her back to Elizabeth) Jack, (he turns again) if you're available later...(flirts and plays with her hair)
Jack: Ooh, under different circumstances, dear, but I have a new godchild to celebrate. (puts his arm around Katie. They all walk out)
(Will and Elizabeth are alone)
Will: (sits next to her) Twice, huh?
Elizabeth: I'm supposed to be the inarticulate one now.
Will: (takes the baby from her as she looks like she's going to fall asleep) When will we tell everyone her name?
Elizabeth: Will, they practically live with us. We can hold off. (sees Junior sneak back in) I thought Gibbs was taking you home.
Junior: He found a bar.
Will: Oh well. You want to hold her? (Will helps Junior hold the baby) What's her name?
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Jan 23rd, 2008 11:43 PM
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