the clintons are at a ball game and there in the noise bleed seats. a row behind them sits the c.i.a guys. the umpire whispers to the prezident. he thiinks and throws his wife off the balcony and dies on impact.
the prezident sits and the umpire says mr. clinton you misunderstood
it was time to throw the first PITCH
bill clinton and the pope died...
bill went to heaven and the pope ended up in hell
so the pope talked to hells management and said "there mustve been sum mistakes"
so the hell management said theyll fix it asap...
the next day... bill clinton and the pope was bout to make the switch and they met half way...
bill: sorry bout the mess pope...
pope: its ok... ***Sigh*** im juz so excited to meet the virgin mary...
bill: I THINK YER A DAY LATE!
Pat and Mick walking through town, both dying for a drink but with just £2
between them. Mick says 'Hang on I've got an idea' - goes into the
butchers shop and a minute later comes out with one enormous Cumberland
Sausage.
Pat says 'Are you crazy? Now we haven't got any money left at all.'
Mick replies, 'Don't worry - just follow me' and walks into a pub where he
orders two pints and two large whiskies.
Pat says 'Now you've lost it - do you know how much trouble we will be in -
we haven't got any money!!'
Mick waves his concerns away, 'Don't' worry - I've got a plan - Cheers.'
They have their drinks and Mick says 'OK, I'll now stick the sausage
through my zip - you get on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
Understanding what his friend's plan was, Pat drops to his knees.
The landlord notices this, goes berserk and throws them both out.
They work their way around town in this way, from pub to pub, getting
hammered, all for free.
At the twelfth pub Pat says 'Listen mate - I don't think I can continue
this any longer - I'm absolutely pissed and my knees are killing me.'
Mick nods, 'I'm surprised you've carried on this long - especially after I
lost the sausage in the third pub.'
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same
tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"He's hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but
couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship ran into trouble, and sank. The magician found himself on
a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on
for a day and another and another.
After 3 days the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
Scotties Joke Section
Post a Joke and Have A Gigglelaughing
In Jerusalem, an American female journalist heard about an old Rabbi who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day everydayfor a long, long time. In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the holy site and there he is. She watches the old man at prayer and after about 45 minutes, and when he turns to leave she approaches him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?" "For about 50 years," he informs her. "That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Jews and Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship." "And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?" "Like I'm talking to a ****ing brick wall."
The bear and the rabbit
There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.
It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."
In the Groove
A hippie saunters into an urban Bar & Grill and orders a cheeseburger.
"But make sure to make it not too well done, not too rare, but just in the groove." The waiter is a little annoyed at this, but serves him the burger.
"Waiter!" the hippie says after a little bit. "Could I get a cup of tea? Not too weak, not too strong, but just in the groove." More annoyed now, the waiter contemplates pissing in the tea, but doesn''t.
"Waiter!" the hippies says a little later. "Could I get some ice cream? Not too chocolate, not too vanilla, but just in the groove."
"Wait," said the waiter. "I have another idea. How bout you kiss my ass? Not too much to the right, not too much to the left, but just in the groove."