Adult Version Of Harry Potter

The HubblyPuffs were scared sh—less. “MI6 were here! They were in SmokeSport's. They burned out SmokeSummore’s office. They must be looking for us. We killed the BaccyTins’ cried Zacharias Spliff. “Who are MI6?’ asked a HubblyPuff beater. “They’re an elite group of puddle secret police.’ replied HashBrick “And it was my fault the BaccyTins died. I must have used the bleach I was saving to make tie dye t-shirts for the team. I’ll take responsibility if they catch us.’ “We don’t even know if that’s why they’re here.’ said a beater. “The MI6 don’t show up unless it’s something serious!’ exclaimed Zacharias. “They’re not here for a circle jerk.’ “They’re here to kill Professor SmokeSummore, and I wouldn’t rule out a circle jerk either.’ said Harry “I’m looking for Professor SmokeSummore. I wouldn’t suppose any of you lot would know where he’s at?’ he asked. “How did you get in here without tripping our alarms, Pothead?!’ Hashbrick demanded. “What alarms? The hallway is clear, the door is unlocked, and you’re sitting right behind it.’ cried.Harry. “Oh sh--!’ exclaimed Hashbrick. It was obvious to Harry that these imbeciles weren’t going to be any help at all. Feeling defeated Harry turned and started back toward the common room. He had been foolishly expecting to find SmokeSummore so easily. Wherever SmokeSummore was, Harry was sure that he would be found by the authorities before he could be warned. Harry felt horrible. The last thing he said to SmokeSummore had been a mistake. More than anything, he wanted to tell him that he was going to stay at SmokeSport's and become the best damn whizzard the school had ever seen. Now he wasn’t even certain that he’d see the old man alive again. “Wait!’ cried HashBrick. He came running up to Harry. “Minging Myrtle is also looking for SmokeSummore. She came through the floor five minutes ago. She said something about them shacking up in their secret place, whatever the hell that means. She wanted one of us to go there.’ “Yeah, thanks, that means allot to me.’ said Harry irritably. “Man, we’ve been hold up in that classroom for hours, got any snacks you could spare?’ “Why not buy them from the vending machines?’ asked Harry. “I don’t know how much of our conversation you heard back there, but we’re in serious trouble. I think the cops are looking for us.’ replied HashBrick. Harry looked deep into HashBrick’s watery blood shot eyes, and for a moment felt a twinge of pity stir in his heart. “I’ve got a chocolate bar in my pocket, I’ll let you have it for a galleon.’ “A galleon!’ exclaimed HashBrick. “That’s what it cost me. It’s premium gourmet German chocolate.’ HashBrick’s eyes lit up at these words. He shoved a galleon into Harry’s hands and looked at his pocket hungrily. Harry pocketed the galleon, and gave HashBrick the chocolate he so desired. “Secret place, rubbish! They do it everywhere they go. I should have charged him double for the chocolate.’ thought Harry. He decided to check Minging Myrtle’s toilet on the off chance that she’d returned. As fate would have it, he was feeling randy.

Herpes, Ginny and Ron were making their way toward the Spliffindor common room when they ran into Minging Myrtle. “Help’ she cried. “What do you need?’ asked Ginny. “I need someone to get SmokeSummore back in the castle.’ cried Myrtle. “Where is he?’ asked Herpes “I don’t know, but I’ve overheard SmokeSummore talk of a secret place they’d go when the pigs are after him, but I’m cursed to remain in the castle.’ she cried. “That’s all right and proper’ said Ron “But, if you don’t know where this secret place is, there isn’t much point in us leaving the castle.’ “You’re wrong!’ she growled. “I didn’t say that I don’t know the location of the place. I just don’t know if that’s where he is, and that’s why I need someone to check.’ “Why do you need to see professor SmokeSummore?’ queried Ginny. “That’s my business.’ cried Myrtle. “Well then, find someone else to go.’ growled Ginny. Myrtle was flabbergasted. No one she’d asked was willing to help her. If only she could find Harry, he still owed her for saving his life from Ramafist Crack, or so she expected. “If you see Harry, tell him to meet me in the girl’s washroom.’ she demanded. Ginny flipped Myrtle the bird as they walked off. If she ran into Harry, she was going to take him to her bedchamber and ravish him, not send him to a girl’s washroom to do the bidding of a sleazy ghoul. She had waited in anguish for the day Herpes broke up with Harry, and she wasn’t about to throw away her opportunity to have him for herself. Myrtle hurried back to her bog hoping that someone would remember to tell Harry to meet her there.

As fate would have it, Harry met up with Ron, Ginny, and Herpes on the way to the girl’s loo. Ginny ran up to him, thrusting her body against his. They collided against the stone wall, where she grinded his leg between hers while massaging his tongue with her own. Ron and Herpes were holding hands, and gazing into each others eyes longingly. It was quickly decided that they would return to their bed chambers and shag, seeing as the spectacle had drawn a small crowd. Harry had secretly wanted to pork Ron’s little sister since he’d first met her. Relationships that would risk his friendship were exciting for him. Ginny cooed at Harry’s touch. They shared a short gentle embrace as they lay naked on her bed, which still smelt of bodily juices. The smell of sex excited them. They shagged all night long. Dawn seemed to break in a matter of minutes. Had time really passed so quickly? Exhausted, Harry lay naked on the bed beside Ginny, holding her and stroking her hair gently. “Its too bad this moment could last forever’ he thought. “Oh well, wake and bake!’ He lit his bong wand and took a massive hit. *KABOOM* The sound of a loud explosion came from the quidditch field. Harry and Ginny rushed to the window. Harry’s face turned sickly white. The MI6 had returned and they were queuing up teachers and students on the playing field to be executed. Professor Spout (Sprout) lay sprawled out on the green. “SMOKESUMMORE, COME OUT OR WE’LL EXECUTE EVERY ONE WE CAN GET OUR BLOODY HANDS ON!’ cried the team leader. “What the hell is going on down there?’ cried Ginny “It’s those MI6 bast--ds again. They’re here to kill SmokeSummore. If he doesn’t give himself up, they’re going to kill as many of us as they can grab. We have to get the hell out of here!’ cried Harry. They ran out into the common room to find that it was full of their fellow Spliffindors. An MI6 agent screamed every time another student emerged “You’re under arrest, stay where you are! Civil disobedience will not be tolerated!’ Harry saw Ron and Herpes join the crowd on the other side of the room. The MI6 agent gave them the same order. Ron waited until the agent’s attention had diverted to the other side of the room, then he pulled out the 44 and blew the grunt’s brains out. “Not a bad trade, one bullet for some heavy body armor, an M14 rifle, and a 9mm berretta with extra clips.’ he thought. “Mind if we take those?’ asked George. “We’ll keep the wankers down stairs busy while you lot escape’ explained Fred as he pried the rifle from Ron’s hands. “Damn it! Sh--!’ cried Ron in protest. “Don’t cry, we’ll let you keep the revolver’ said George. “You bast—ds! I only have one bullet left!’ screamed Ron. “Watch your mouth or we’ll tell mum’ laughed Fred. “Serves you right’ said Ginny, who was still jealous about not getting to shoot Fluer. “Attention please!’ cried Fred. “If you would all grab the essentials from your bed chambers- weed, bong, the like, and be back here in 2 minutes. Harry’s in charge. He’ll lead you out of here.’ There was a mass panic as no one was going anywhere without their stash. George caught Harry by the shoulder. “You get them through the tunnel behind the one eyed bit-h (witch), and we’ll catch up. We’ll clear the way and create a diversion’ said George.

The Spliffindors raced back to their chambers and grabbed as much product as they could carry, and were a bit late returning to the common room by Harry’s estimate, but then so was he. Fred and George had already started down the shifting staircase by the time everyone had returned. “What do we do now?’ cried Onna Promise. “You watch me make out with your girlfriend.’ said Harry as he frenched Ginny. “Nooooooooo!’ screamed Onna Promise. There arose much laughter, as everyone realized how much of a loser Onna Promise was. And there was much toking and gnashing of hash. “Has anyone seen the marauder’s map?’ asked Harry. “Just a second’ said Herpes. She pulled it out of her robes and handed it to him. Many Spliffindors caught a glimpse of her bare breast visible through a tear in her robes. Thirteen boys now had throbbing erections, and needed to take a number three. Harry could see what was happening. “It’s too late to use the bathroom, or return to your bedchambers. We have to get out of here now!’ he cried. They followed him down the stairs and past a dead MI6 agent. “They took his guns’ groaned Ron. “What is it with you and guns’ asked Herpes. “I like shooting people.’ shrugged Ron. Harry opened the secret passage behind the one eyed b-tch. “This tunnel leads to the stock room of a shop in SmokesWeed (Hogsmeade). I know you lot must have a case of the munchies so we’ll swipe some twinkies and beer. They gladly followed him into the tunnel. Harry periodically checked the marauder’s map to see if they were being followed. So far it had been a cakewalk, but twelve minutes had passed and there still was no sign of Fred and George in the tunnel. He hoped that they were still alive, but he couldn’t risk going back for them. When they reached the end of the passage he checked the map one last time, but there was still no sign of the twins. They emerged into the stockroom and satisfied their cravings. Once they had finished breakfast they crept out of the stockroom three at a time and slipped out of the shop unnoticed. They each went their separate ways. Harry was relieved to be out of danger, but he was worried about Fred and George. Ginny had followed him and they decided to find a quiet spot to talk about what had happened. Unfortunately, the spot they chose turned out to be quite noisy. The sounds of sexual activity; the slapping of skin, moaning, and groaning filled the air. “I know that voice, er, moan.’ cried Ginny. It was coming from an old dilapidated house. “That’s the scr-wing shack (screaming shack)’ said Harry. “Of course!’ exclaimed Ginny. “Follow me’ she demanded. Ginny cast allo hamora on the door, and they entered the shack. Harry thought that Ginny wanted to make out, but as soon as they entered he understood whose moan she recognized. It was Professor SmokeSummore and IveDun'EmAll. They were going at it doggy style. “Professor, we need your help! MI6 are killing teachers and students back at SmokeSports’ cried Harry. “We saw them kill Professor Spout, and they’re going to kill everyone they can grab unless you give yourself up.’ added Ginny. “Then we have precious little time to do something about it.’ said SmokeSummore. He pulled out of IveDun'EmAll, and put on his robes. He had been diplomatic in the past, but now the MI6 had gone too far. Professor Spout owed him twenty pounds.

Originally posted by Syren
clapping

WOW!!! I can't believe someone posted here... I thought the thread would have died. I think I need to continue the story soon 😄

Great job Pseudo!

Great ideas die hard. You've started something that is truly megalithic in proportions. The world was waiting for this. 💃

Thank you, and I hope that you enjoy the rest of what I've written.

Oops! Looks like I posted the last rough draft by mistake. It's my fault, I kept backing up the document under new names. Sorry about that. 🙁

In the finalized version I spell checked the entire document, the one eyed b-tch is the "one fried witch', and I had changed the name of the drug RapeandEnjoy needed to "the sorcerer's crack'- Myrtle refers to the drug as "it', and SmokeSummore was startled by the intrusion instead of a description of what they were doing. I would have fixed it last night. but more than 15 minutes had passed. It still appears PG13, and is otherwise identical to the finalized version.

I'm really impressed Pseudo. You've awakened my muse... is it ok to continue? I don't know if you've written any more and I don't want to carry the story on from where you left off if you've any more to add. Just let me know when I can start 😄

An update of characters and other elements

"HARRY POTHEAD AND THE STONED PHILOSOPHER"

At SmokeSport's School of Crackcraft and Whizzardry

CHARACTERS:

Harry Pothead (Harry Potter)
Herpmione Ganja (Hermione Granger ~ Herpes for short)
Ronald Weedley (Ronald Weasley)
Ginny Weedley (Ginny Weasley)
Fred and George Weedley (Fred and George Weasley)
RapeandEnjoy Malpoy (Draco Malfoy)
Onna Promise (Dean Thomas)
Zacharias Spliff (Zacharias Smith)
Semen Innagain (Seamus Finnigan)
Sho' Thang (Cho Chang)
Hashbrick Dickery (Cedric Diggory)
Floor DeWhore (Fleur Delacour)
Crap and Girl (Crabbe and Goyle)

Lord Baldysnort (Lord Voldemort ~ The Dope Lord)

Lukius Malpoy (Lucius Malfoy)
Minging Myrtle (Moaning Myrtle ~ Myrt the Squirt)
Cornholius Sludge (Cornelius Fudge)

Professor SmokeSummore (Dumbledore)
Professor IveDun'EmAll (McGonogall)
Professor Slate (Snape)
Professor Spout (Sprout)
Madame Poofey (Madame Pomfrey)
Shagrid and Bong (Fang)

HOUSES:

Spliffindor
HubblyPuff
RavenDraw
BaccyTin

CLASSES:

Transfiguration - Turn Drugs into Dosh
Potions - How to prepare your cache of substances
Charms - How to conceal your stash
Defence Against The Dark Arts - How to escape the sodding police
Divination - Understanding the highs, and dealing with the lows
History of Magic - The Building of the very first Spliff
Herbology - How to Grow Your Own

EXTRAS:

Phoenix Feces (Felix Felicis)
Poppyjuice Potion (Polyjuice Potion)
The One Fried B!tch (one-eyed witch)
SmokesWeed (Hogsmeade)
Screwing Shack (Shrieking Shack)

Please let me know if I've missed anything, or anyone, out and I'll add them in another post.

Pseudo, I changed a couple of things very slightly, I hope you don't mind.

Originally posted by Syren
I'm really impressed Pseudo. You've awakened my muse... is it ok to continue? I don't know if you've written any more and I don't want to carry the story on from where you left off if you've any more to add. Just let me know when I can start 😄

Thank you! 🙂

😄 No problem... it's great to see that there's still interest in this.

Starting where Pseudo left off.

Professor Smokesummore strode back towards the castle like a man on a mission. Head held high, he marched through the gates and up towards the ornate front doors. He passed a great many students on his way, most far too wasted to pay any attention, but a few of the less fortunate ones in the way of gear noted his presence and smiled inanely at him as he moved through the crowds. The students who had escaped the castle only minutes before followed in his wake, nervous and uncertain, hoping that he wouldn't do anything stupid. Like give himself up. Or something. As the Headmaster reached the doors he turned and smiled at the expectant audience. Then, pointing his wand at his throat, he uttered the relevant incantation and suddenly his voice boomed across the grounds.

"Alright you Government maggots! Listen up and listen good. I want you out of these grounds by the time I count to 3 or you'll have me to deal with. Got it? Good. Bye bye then... buh-bye. Buh-bye now. Buh-bye."

The Professor looked confused for a moment, coughed and then regained his composure.

"Ahem. Sorry... 1, 2, 2 and a quarter, 2 and a half, 2 and two thirds... I'm counting and I see no MI6 running for the hills..."

Smokesummore stopped again and looked down to see one of the more confident first years tugging on his robe. He looked momentarily stunned and then leaned down to hear what the little tyke had to say.

"Sir... they're all behind you Sir. Pointing their huge weapons at you, Sir."

Smokesummore grinned and stood up straight. Weapons? he thought to himself. Sounds like a whole bundle of fun...

He turned slowly and, expecting to see a group of naked men, was surprised to find a group of definitely-not-naked soldiers pointing their definitely-not-the-kind-of-armoury-he-had-in-mind weapons straight at him.

"Bugger me..." he stuttered, lost for words.

Herpmione looked on in disgust.

"That man is an abomination," she whispered to Harry. "He should be strung up, in fact, I bloody well hope they shoot him."

Harry grinned and took another toke on his spliff, clearly enjoying the show.

"But Herpes, love, don't you think we should do something? He is our headmaster, after all..."

Herpes made a noise like a small elephant being anal-probed and looked away. She knew Pothead was right but she loathed the idea of doing anything right now, least of all coming to the aid of some sex-starved, arrogant old codger who would be better off dead. She looked around at the faces of the other onlookers and her heart softened when she spotted IveDun'EmAll standing a little way away, looking for all the world like she would commit suicide right there on the spot if anything were to happen to Smokesummore. Herpes turned back to Harry and nudged him hard in the ribs.

"Right. We've got to do something... I've decided. Don't just stand there!"

Harry rolled his eyes and dropped his spliff onto the grass, stubbing it out with the end of his boot.

She's decided he thought, wondering whether Herpes would have given a flying f*ck if he hadn't suggested it. But, Harry had long ago accepted that life remained peachy if he just let women believe what they wanted, so he dutifully followed Herpes as she slid through the crowds and around the edge of the building. He noticed that Smokesummore was trying to reason with MI6, his sharp ears catching something along the lines of, "No need for all this palaver, fellas... come to some sort of agreement... got a nice little stash of.. no?" Harry had to muffle his groans; Smokesummore was trying to bribe them. Seriously, the man was a prat.

Excellent, Siren.

Thanks... not quite on a par with your submissions but I really don't know where to go with this story. When I started it, all I really wanted to take credit for were the student/house names and classes etc. I didn't think it'd go on for this long 🥷

Will you be adding more? I'm committing myself to this, no matter how difficult I'm finding it to come up with ideas 😂

[QUOTE=5819544]Originally posted by Syren
Thanks... not quite on a par with your submissions but I really don't know where to go with this story. When I started it, all I really wanted to take credit for were the student/house names and classes etc. I didn't think it'd go on for this long 🥷

Will you be adding more? I'm committing myself to this, no matter how difficult I'm finding it to come up with ideas 😂 [/I'll QUOTE]
Of course I'll write more, but I want to give others a chance to hop in. I left the story hanging at a point with limited avenues. I'll continue from where you left off.

New additions:
Pees - Peeves
Colon Creepy - Colin Creevy
Farty Crotch Jr. - Barty Crouch Jr.
Track Mark - Dark Mark
Meth Needers - Death Eaters
SmokeSummore's Assholes (SA) - Dumbledore's Army (DA)
Glide-a-toy Cockpart - Gilderoy Lockhart
whorecrusts - horcruxes

Harry and Herpes pushed their way through the crowd as fast as they could. They knew the MI6 would kill the headmaster as soon as they discover who he is. Ginny yelled at SmokeSummore, "I thought you were through with diplomacy, professor, or did you lose your balls?' SmokeSummore knew that she was right. His embarrassment had kept him from doing what he knew that he must all along. It was his duty to ensure the safety of all students at SmokeSports. He swallowed his pride, and nervously asked the first year that previously tugged on his robes, "What number comes after two?'. "Three sir' answered the first year. "Thank you, lad!' said SmokeSummore now in a far more confident tone. "OKAY YOU GOVERNMENT FILTH, YOU’VE ALREADY HAD YOUR WARNING! 1, 2, 3'. With that the headmaster spun around, raised his robes, and bent over. The MI6 were pissed! They thought they killed all the teachers, but this lone professor had evaded them and what was worse he dared moon them. One of the grunts stepped forward to kick SmokeSummore's ass. Before the agent could kick him, SmokeSummore pulled his finger and out roared a mighty wind the likes of which would choke a pig. The Agents were cursing, caughing, and straining to see their target through watery eyes. "Incendio' cried SmokeSummore. His toxic fumes instantly became a giant fireball that enveloped the MI6, the nearby students, and even the headmaster. Fortunately for all, it only succeeded in clearing the air, and left them with slightly singed hair. Harry knew the agents were going to kill SmokeSummore on the spot if he didn't do something now. He pointed his wand at the MI6. "This works for panty raids, so it better work now!' he thought. "Accio guns’ he cried. The guns flew from the hands of the MI6 and landed in a pile at Harry's feet. "Just like panty raids!' Harry said with a grin. Herpes flushed a shade of red, and tried to ignore him. She continued pushing her way through the crowd without him. Ron pushed his own way toward Harry, but only to grab his choice of weapons before they were gone. Just as the students were preparing to unload on the MI6, a snide voice called out. "Very cleaver Pothead, but not good enough. ACCIO GUNS!' it cried. The guns flew into a pile near the agents, who were quick to grab them up. "They got my f-cking magnum!' growled Ron. Before the agents could open fire, Herpes had a little magic of her own to work. She conjured up a dance pole, some stage lights, and the song Cherry Pie. The agents were stunned by the spectacle. Herpes was grinding the pole, and moving her body in an undulating motion like a true professional. The crowd was now centered around her. Harry understood that she was giving him a chance to get SmokeSummore out safely. He pulled his invisability cloak over his head, and quietly started to move toward the place SmokeSummore was standing, but saw the professor wasn’t there. "Hey, where the hell did he go?' thought Harry. Looking around he spied the old man in the middle of the crowd waving a twenty. "That senile old sh-t, what does he think this is?' He pushed his way through the crowd and saw that SmokeSummore was surrounded by MI6. One of them had a gun to the back of SmokeSummore's head, but the agents were busy watching Herpes. "Of course, they must have taken him with them. They weren't about to let him go. They're going to kill him after the fin.' thought Harry.

If he could get the old man to quietly slip under the cloak, they might get out of this alive. He pushed his way around the crowd and approached from the front to evade the agents, and came up in front of SmokeSummore. "Professor we have to get the hell out of here now. Get under the invisability cloak, and we'll sneak out together.' Harry whispered to SmokeSummore. "I'm not going anywhere until I've had a lap dance from that chick' said SmokeSummore. "Don't count on it buddy!' came the reply from the MI6 agent holding the gun to his head. "Professor, please listen to reason, these men are going to kill you unless you escape. Get under the cloak, and they won't be able to see you.' Harry pleaded as quietly as possible. "I said I’m not leaving without a f-cking lap dance!' bellowed SmokeSummore. "If you don't shut the f-ck up, I'll blow your bloody brains out right here.' the agent growled. Harry was frustrated beyond words. SmokeSummore may be an incorrigible sex starved sociopath, but he always had an inexplicable insight of the overt, and a distorted hippie philosophy nobody ever seemed to agree with. All that seemed to have changed since he left Harry in his office. What happened to him over the past 24 hours to cause such a dramatic alteration of his character? Harry had taken too much time considering the matter. Herpes dance ended with the song, and she stood there staring at SmokeSummore. She knew the agents were through fooling around. "Out of the way you little bast-rds, and prepare to queue up. THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE SMOKESUMMORE, GIVE YOUR SELF UP OR WE'LL KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF THESE WANKERS, STARTING WITH THE OLD MAN!' screamed the team leader. “SmokeSummore IS the old man you dumb sh-ts' cried Pees (Peeves) out of a castle window. "Kill the bast-rd' screamed the team leader. The MI6 opened fire on the window. Harry quickly pointed his wand at Smokesummore and cast the stoner to stone spell. "Not the bloody window, the old bugger here' screamed the team leader. The MI6 pointed their rifles at SmokeSummore, but he was already falling fast. He landed on the grass with a soft thud. "Brigadier, check him' ordered the team leader. "He's dead, sir' said the brigadier. "Are you certain?' asked team leader. "Yes sir, positive. He has no pulse. His heart must have given up.' "Just to be sure...' The team leader shot SmokeSummore in the leg, but there was no movement. "Mission accomplished boys!' cried the team leader. The MI6 howled, and cheered. "Another terrorist leader destroyed' cried a grunt.

It was picture time. The MI6 took pictures of each other giving a thumbs up and pointing at the seemingly lifeless body. Many of the students asked the agents to let them pose with the body, but this soon got out of hand. Some things were too disturbing for even the MI6 to stomach. That didn't stop the students from having their fun. They wrote "cum dumpster', "sh-t eater', and drew a swastika on the headmaster’s face. A few of them gave him a swift kick to his balls. "Worthless old man, where were you when they executed my brother, and the other teachers?' cried a fourth year RavenDraw. “Colon Creepy (Colin Creevy) took the opportunity to take some pictures for the school paper. Harry pulled off his invisibility cloak. He'd done it. He'd saved SmokeSummore from certain death. "It's not over yet, Pothead!' screamed that voice he'd heard before. Another whizzard pulled off an invisibility cloak. "Who the bloody hell, are you? asked Harry. "I am Farty Crotch Jr. (Barty Crouch Jr.). I called the authorities, but thanks to you, they're leaving without killing the headmaster.' said Farty. He pulled a pamphlet out of his pocket, and read it aloud. "If you see anyone suspicious, please report them to the authorities. Together we can make a difference. You can BE that person. Rubbish! Horse sh-t! Bollocks!' he screamed as he ripped the pamphlet into small pieces and tossed them in the air. "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.' said Farty. He pointed his wand at the sky and cast the track mark (dark mark). Suddenly a large number of masked whizzards apparated. Harry knew these were Meth Needers (Death Eaters). The MI6 were marching away, but they were his only chance. Harry pointed his wand at the agents and once again cast the spell. "ACCIO GUNS'. The guns flew out of their hands once again and landed at Harry's feet. The agents were now pissed beyond words and charged back toward the castle. "Guns won't save you now, Pothead.' cried Farty. "No, but professor SmokeSummore taught me something long ago. How to use my enemies against each other.' The agents poured onto the castle grounds, and Harry called out to them. "These are the SA (DA), SmokeSummore's A-sholes (Dumbledore’s Army), and they're here to kill the lot what killed the headmaster.' lied Harry. "Don't listen to the boy. He's the one with SmokeSummore! Kill him' cried Farty. But just as Harry had predicted many of the Meth Needers had turned around and were pointing their wands at the agents. "What are you going to believe? That SmokeSummore's terrorist forces would be a single untrained teenage boy that hadn't objected to his death, or this lot pointing their guns at you?' asked Harry. "DROP THE WEAPONS NOW!' screamed the team leader. "The boy is lying to you, SmokeSummore is alive. We're here to kill him.' cried Farty. The MI6 pulled out their knives and charged the meth needers. Some of the meth needers cast curses at the MI6, which infuriated them. Harry took advantage of the situation, he dug through the pile of guns and grabbed Ron's revolver. He ran over to SmokeSummore, and dragged him back to the Spliffindor common room, where He laid the old man on the couch, and sat down in an adjacent chair to rest.

He fell asleep within minutes. He dreamed about his parents having sex. The most horrific nightmare he'd ever experienced. His scar felt like it was sneezing, only better. He awoke to find Professor Glide-a-toy Cockpart (Gilderoy Lockhart) lying on the couch where SmokeSummore had been. He looked at the clock, 4 hours had passed. It was now 9:57 PM. He tried to wake the professor and discovered Cockpart was paralyzed. It occurred to him that it hadn't been SmokeSummore at all. Professor Cockpart was using poppyjuice potion. All this time the git he'd been trying to save wasn't really SmokeSummore. "Now it makes sense' he muttered. He lit a spliff and waited for the spell to wear off. Three hours later Cockpart was able to sit up and groan. "Why the bloody hell did you let my head hit every f-cking step on the way up?' he cried. Cockpart conjured up an ice pack and held it to his head. “You’re the bloody defense against the dark arts teacher! You nearly got us killed by the damn feds. You suck!’ cried Harry “My boy, I promise you this is my last year teaching defense against the dark arts’ said Cockpart as he spit out a tooth. "Professor, where's SmokeSummore?" Harry asked. "I can't tell you. I don't know. It had something to do with whorecrusts (horcruxes). No one was supposed to know, not even IveDun'EmAll. SmokeSummore wanted me to FILL IN for him while he was gone... Those little bast-rds kicked me in the bloomin' nuts.' groaned Cockpart, as he moved the ice pack from his head, to his balls. “Professor, what’s a whorecrust?’ asked Harry. “Whorecrusts are the dried vaginal puss excretions of Baldysnort’s ex-wife when he gave her a magical yeast infection. It’s the main ingredient in his product. They have the magical hen pecking power to force anyone that use the product to obey the dope lord’s orders, no matter how unreasonable. Without them he’s powerless, just like he was in his marriage. That’s all SmokeSummore would tell me. Now for god’s sake, give me a tranquilizer.’ said Cockpart as he moved the icepack from his crotch to the bullet hole in his leg.

Harry knocked on Ron’s door. “Give me a minute’ cried Ron. After a couple of minutes he opened the chamber door wearing nothing but a bath towel. “What do you need, mate?’ asked Ron. “I’m good, but professor Cockpart needs some LSD, do you have any left?’ asked Harry. “A bit, but man I’m in the middle of something right now.’ replied Ron. Harry peeked over Ron’s shoulder and saw Herpes lying naked under a bed sheet. “When you’re finished, you can find him sitting on the common room couch’ said Harry. “This is going to take a while’ said Ron. “Trust me; he’ll be there a while.’ replied Harry. Harry returned to the common room and told Cockpart that Ron would give him some LSD shortly, and then he retired to his own bedchamber. He was still feeling sore from saving people. He’d see Ginny in the morning. As it happened Harry, Ron, Herpes, and Ginny all met at their common room table for breakfast. “F-cking mash again? It’s the third time this week’ cried Ron. “I have something that yours’ said Harry as he handed the magnum to Ron. “I wonder what the Daily Product (Daily Prophet) will say about last night’s events’ said Herpes. No sooner had she spoken, a tiny owl flew through the window carrying the paper. It huffed and it puffed, and it shit on their food. Then it dropped the paper in the middle of the table splattering their faces with it’s diarrhea. Ron pulled out the magnum *BLAM*. The tiny owl fell on the table beside the paper. “That was my last bullet’ said Ron as he chucked the gun out the window. “I guess that I should’ve mentioned that one of the MI6 reloaded it’ said Harry. “Damn it!’ cried Ron as he ran outside to retrieve it. “Now that he’s gone ladies, why don’t we negotiate a threesome?’ asked Harry. “Sounds good to me’ said Herpes. “You lied about the bullets in the gun, didn’t you?’ asked Ginny. “Of course’ replied Harry. “It’s a revolver, after Ron discovers they’re spent shells I’ll tell him that I was mistaken’ he explained as he lit a spliff. He took a drag and passed it to Ginny. “Smooth move, Harry. I’m in, so when are we going to make this thing happen?’ she asked. Harry looked at Herpes knowing that she would have to keep Ron satisfied, and she understood from his expression that it was up to her. “Thursday, while Ron is practicing for the quidditch team’ said Herpes. Five minutes later Ron walked back in carrying the magnum in his hand. “What are you doing? Hide that. If the police see you holding that…’ whispered Harry. “It landed in a pile of Bong's sh-t, but its worth getting my hand dirty for five more shots’ said Ron. “Five more shots? I guess you won’t be needing this’ said George. He was holding a 50 caliber Action Express Desert Eagle.

Harry was surprised, but grateful that the twins survived, he looked over at Ron expecting to see an expression of relief. Ron’s face had turned pale. He wanted a Desert Eagle for years. It was the top of the line. “I’ll trade the revolver for it’ Ron blurted out. “Trade a Desert Eagle for an old police revolver covered in dog sh-t? We’re professional businessmen, remember?’ asked George. “Okay then let me have it, we can call it an early Christmas present’ pleaded Ron. Sorry, can’t be giving guns to people who throw ‘em out of windows’ replied Fred. Ron’s face turned several shades of red. He flipped them both birds at once, then sat down next to Harry. “At least I have five more shots, thanks Harry’ he pouted, taking a quick disgruntled glance at the twins. Ron looked down at his owl sh-t covered mash, and then at his hand. This was already turning into a sh-tty day. He looked at Herpes, who was swirling the owl droppings around in her bowl while taking a long drag on Harry's spliff. They’d have to wait for lunch. With most of the teachers dead they didn’t have to worry about classes for a while. Harry wondered who IveDun'EmAll would find to fill the positions. Herpes opened the paper, and read the front page article aloud. “SmokeSummore dies in anti-terror raid. Shortly thereafter, a group of highly skilled terrorists calling themselves SmokeSummore’s A-sholes assaulted the elite MI6 anti-terror force. This terror cell is now dead thanks to the brave men and women in our majesty’s service. A team of highly trained heroes fighting the eternal battle against terror. That human emotion that none of us like to feel, unless we’re at a really scary movie, or on a rollercoaster, or something. We here at the Daily Product are shocked to discover SmokeSummore’s terrorist ties. Rest assured that SmokeSports will no longer be included in our list of top suppliers.’ Harry burst his gut laughing. “What’s so funny?’ growled Herpes. “Just tweaking’ he lied. “I guess’ said Ginny looking bewildered by Harry’s seemingly frivolous amusement.

Excellent stuff!! I have another character we could use and I've also changed some names a little;

Brainless Nick ~ Nearly Headless Nick

Sho' Thang ~ Cho Chang

Cornholius Sludge ~ Cornelius Fudge

Floor DeWhore ~ Fleur Delacour

The Screwing Shack is to be referred to as 'The Love Shack - A Little Old Place Where We Can Get Together' every time it's mentioned.

😄