Adult Version Of Harry Potter

Myrtle had never killed anyone before, but Neville had rejected and insulted her. He’d rated her as insignificant to Herpionme Ganja. She had returned to Harry Pothead’s camber hoping that he had finished with Herpes so she could have a turn, but the place was deserted. All she found were Harry’s dirty robes on the cold stone floor. “Where the blazes is he, he should be grateful enough when I see him though’ thought Myrtle. After all if she hadn’t distracted the vengeful Ramafist Crack- “Ramafist, oh sh--! I’d forgotten that he wants to kill Harry’ exclaimed Myrtle. Ramafist was so chiseled and handsome that it had totally blown Myrtle’s mind when she discovered that he had a tiny cock from years of steroid abuse. There was no way Ramafist could satisfy a woman with his ghostly cocktail wiener. In fact he’d confessed to spending the later part of his time in prison as some greasy horndog’s unwilling *****. There was only one thing that she could do, search for Harry and make sure that he’s alright, but where to look? Spying Harry’s still smoking bong wand, she remembered that he got a serious case of the munchies after toking, and headed toward the main hall.

Fred and George had nearly finished cleaning up their product when Herpionme burst through the door. “Have either of you seen Neville? He was supposed to pick up some weed and meet me in the room of requirement, but he’s late’ explained Herpes. “Oh we’ve seen him alright. We were just cleaning up what’s left of him in fact. Bloody Minging Myrtle squashed him on the floor’ groaned Fred. “The bloody thief got his guts on our best product too’ continued George. “Which means that we’ve had to clean it by hand to preserve it’s potency.’ finished Fred. They motioned to her to come around to the other side of the counter. Herpes turned sickly white as she lay eyes on Neville’s body. “Why did Myrtle do this?’ cried Herpionme. “Beats me, luv’ said Fred. “We were inebriated when it happened’ explained George. “Got any of the good stuff left’ asked Herpes feeling a pit in her gut. “None that isn’t covered in blood, and it’ll cost ya this time, luv’ said Fred. Herpes started to slip out of her robes. “No, luv, fraid we can only take cash this time. Can’t get full price from the sh— what got blood on it. Got to stay in business.’

The stoner to stone spell had worn off, and now Ron was pissed! He had endured utter humiliation for the last time. He wanted a piece of RapeandEnjoy, and he wanted it now. “When I find him, I’ll kill him!’ screamed Ron as he popped some PCP. “We haven’t learned how to use black magic, so how are you going to kill him?’ inquired Ginny rhetorically. “Blow his head clean off with this .44 magnum’ said Ron as he pulled a revolver out of his robes. “Where the hell did you get that?’ asked Ginny. “Stole it from the chief pig that raided the Spliffindor common room’ Replied Ron. “But how? You didn’t even get near him’ Asked Ginny. “Watch’ Said Ron as he placed the gun down on a table. “Accio Chief Pig’s Gun’ cried Ron, and the gun flew across the table and into his hand. Ginny couldn’t believe her eyes. “Come on, lets find the dirty wanker’ said Ron. “Where did you learn to do that?’ asked Ginny “From Harry. He uses it to steal girls’ panties. Makes panty raids a snap!’ explained Ron. “So that’s where they keep going!’ exclaimed Ginny. As they made their way toward the dungeons they came across Professor TrueLooney. “ONE SHALL THE SPLIFF SAVE, AND ONE SHALL IT DESTROY! NEITHER SHALL BE STONED WHILE THE OTHER YET BAKES!’ she screamed. Ron had no time to waste on her, RapeandEnjoy’s time on earth was drawing near an end, and he alone would be the one to see him off to the after life.

“Where the hell am I?’ thought Harry as he came to. He looked around, but couldn’t recognize this place. The last thing he’d seen was Shagrid splatter BaldySnort against the wall of the girl’s wash room, but this wasn’t the girl’s wash room. It wasn’t a hospital either. It looked like some run down bachelor’s apartment and smelled of cheese. He was laying atop an old bean bag seat that was held together with duct tape, the floor was covered in trash. Empty pizza boxes, whiskey bottles, Twinkie wrappers, pornographic magazines, and the like. “Oh man! You were lucky, man. We got to ya just in the nick of time.’ said a friendly and familiar voice. Harry looked up and saw the towering figure of Professor SmokeSummore. He was still wearing a bandana, but he was dressed in his pajamas with a pot belly hanging out, and a bottle of Jim Beam in his hand. “Professor, is this where you live?” asked a disgusted Harry Pothead. “No, man, this is my office. I live out of my van near the river. You were lucky, man. You were almost in a scheisse film!’ exclaimed SmokeSummore. “Snuff film’ said Harry. “Whatever, man. I’m going to run to the gas station to pick up some beer, you want something before I go?’ asked SmokeSummore. “No, I think that I’m through with dope. I’d rather live the rest of my life like a puddle than deal with this sh--’ declared Harry. “Oh, cold turkey, eh? We’ll see how long you last on the street, man. Society created us. They call us the problem, but they made us this way. The government brings drugs into the country and sells ‘em on the street, while trying to deprive us of our right to grow our own. We’re fighting a war, man. We’re breaking the government drug monopoly by selling better product for a fraction of what it costs them to import their foreign junk. So you go live like a puddle if you want, but remember this, when you break down and need a fix you’ll be buying their junk, and that aint good’ Harry watched as SmokeSummore stumbled down the spiral staircase. How could he possibly expect Harry to remain at SmokeSport's after what happened? He took a moment to consider what SmokeSummore said. “He’s just wasted’ Harry sighed.

Okay, I wrote a lot more, but that's where i'm going to stop for now, because I need to edit the rest of it to a pg13 rating. I'll post more of it later if you like what I've already posted. I appologize for multiple postings, but it was so long that I felt it was necessary to break it up into chunks.

clapping

WOW!!! I can't believe someone posted here... I thought the thread would have died. I think I need to continue the story soon 😄

Great job Pseudo!

dont bump old threads

If your willing Syren, can I join? I don't know whats going on but I can catch up.

silent dreams
hugging Laphiji

Registered: Aug 2005
Location: hugging my lovie, Laphiji

I will remind people, Don't bump old threads. It's anoying and stupid.

you tell us we cant do it so you cant eather

*cough*either*cough*

I didn't bump this thread. I asked to join it. Think kid. And try using the quote button.

edit: try thinking before you type something.

Originally posted by star_light

I will remind people, Don't bump old threads. It's anoying and stupid.

you tell us we cant do it so you cant eather

Who the hell are you and why are you telling me what to do?

I'm very proud of this thread, and for your information it's a thread that needs continuation to work. It needs to be bumped every so often because we constantly have new members registering who might just like the concept and feel they have something to add.

Try reading the thread, you might enjoy it. And please don't 'moderate' me.

Silent Dreams, of course you can join. Anyone who wants to carry the story on is welcome to, I'd love for you to post something 😄

Can I join?

So I put my character sheet right?

No, it's not like that.

This is simply a story, based on the foundations I created including characters, locations and all other elements. I'm still not sure why it's on the Unhosted RP section but it's a free for all multi-author story.

Just write the next chapter or so 😄

The Main hall was nearly empty RapeandEnjoy was cramming peanut butter and Ritz crackers into his face when Minging Myrtle descended through the ceiling. “Are you the only one here?’ asked Myrtle. “I was’ replied RapeandEnjoy. Have you seen Harry Pothead recently?’ asked Myrtle bluntly. “Nope’ came his reply. Myrtle considered RapeandEnjoy for a moment as he continued to stuff his face. “He’s no Harry Pothead, but he’ll do’ she thought. “I think I’m coming down with a case of the munchies myself’ said Myrtle. “Mind if I taste your creamy filling?’ Myrtle plunged her head into RapeandEnjoy’s lap. He had never experienced anything like this before. He knew at once that Myrtle must be a true fellatio genius. With her ghostly semi-corporeal fingers she had gently made him stiff from the inside while her tongue was moving through his clothing. He fell off his chair in pure ecstasy. Myrtle could see that he wanted her more than anything at this moment, but this was not the proper setting for a long and hard love making session. She stopped to pop a simple question. “Should we continue this at my place, or yours?’ The prospect of shagging a ghost in the loo didn’t appeal much to RapeandEnjoy. He was greatly winded from his brief experience, but caught his breath just long enough to squeak “Mine’.

Herpes was going mental. She was sitting in the quidditch stands alone and talking to herself. She’d dumped the best shag she’d ever known, for a man that had died at the hands of a ghost while trying to steal some pot from her friends. “This kind of sh— wouldn’t happen to anyone else!’ She cried aloud. Had she waited a bit longer to break up with Harry, she’d still have a man to support her, and she probably could have been able to convince him the baby was his. “A man with talent like Harry Pothead must have found another woman by now. She was going to be a single mother with a single child. She was due to start showing in a few days. No client would want her when her belly began to bulge. It wasn’t as though she was opposed to abortion, she’d done it before, but she couldn’t bring herself to throw away her only chance to be a mother. Her cash crop was gone, and she was running low on money from paying the fat lady twenty dollars every time she needed to get in the common room. This was all Malpoy’s fault! He had placed the curse upon her because she was a puddle born. If she hadn’t already been pregnant when she was cursed with the infertility charm she wouldn’t even be able to have a baby. “Damn Lukius Malpoy!’ she screamed at the top of her voice. People passing by took notice at these words. She packed her bong wand with the dirt grass the Weedley brothers had in stock, the only weed she could afford. It tasted like sh--, and it was taking too long to give her a buzz. “What the hell is this crap, hemp?’ exclaimed Herpes. “I can get better sh— for free by walking the SmokeSport Express rails!’ This was the last straw; she was going to burn the school down. “This place has done nothing but ruin my life’ cried Herpes “Mind if an old man sits here?’ asked SmokeSummore. “Professor!’ cried Herpes. “I couldn’t help overhearing that you had a problem. You bought some bad weed, eh? I think I can hook you up though’ he said. SmokeSummore pulled a glass vial out of his pocket and handed it to Herpionme. Drink this man, it’ll make all your problems melt away. Herpes didn’t even question it, she poured the contents down her throat. She immediately felt a euphoria she’d never experienced before. “This is great professor! What is it?’ she asked. “phoenix feces (Felix Felcis)’ replied SmokeSummore.

Harry hadn’t even cared that he was still butt naked until the headmistress entered the room wearing nothing but a faded Rolling Stones t-shirt. “Stand at attention, eh Pothead?’ she said. Harry quickly covered his crotch with an empty pizza box he’d scooped off the floor. “Just woke up’ he lied. For the past 5 minutes he had been glancing at a Hustler Magazine. “Oh, never mind me then’ she sighed. But she wasn’t about to go anywhere before she had a little fun with him. She bent down and stuck her hand under the pizza box feeling Harry up. Even though she was an eyesore Harry couldn’t take much of the way she touched him. He exploded in her hand. “My word Pothead, you’re easily excited’ said Professor IveDun'EmAll as she pulled her hand from underneath the pizza box and licked her palm clean. *Gulp* He watched in disbelief as she swallow his jizzum. “I’m sorry to cut our time short, but I have work to attend to.’ she said in an almost business like tone. Harry lay there in shock, as the headmistress walked away. Why hadn’t he kept her from touching him? Why had he enjoyed it? And worst of all, why did he want more? He didn’t care that she was old enough to be his grandmother. She was teasing his co-k! But as he tried to stumble on to his feet he realized that it was quite impossible. His legs were wobbly as though they were made of gelatin. He crumpled on the filth encrusted floor. He hadn’t fully recovered from the tainted poppyjuice potion. He wondered what sort of magic SmokeSummore had used to save his life but left him in this weakened condition. Unable to stand he tried to crawl, but it was no use. All that he managed to accomplish was to cover himself with garbage.

Ron and Ginny stomped into the BaccyTin common room where Professor Slate met them with a fiery gaze and wand drawn. “What are you doing here Weedley?!’ Slate demanded. “What ever I soddy well feel like, and I soddy well feel like killing RapeandEnjoy. Get in my way and you’ll join ‘em in hell’ spat Ron as he pulled out the gun. “You dare pull a puddle weapon on a teacher?!’ bellowed Slate. *BLAM* Ron blasted a vase of poppy flowers off the mantle just over Slate’s left shoulder. The shock of blast caused the wand to fall from Slate’s outstretched hand. “I see you’re not fooling around’ said Slate calmly. Slate felt like he was going to sh-- his pants in terror. He was a real tough guy when it came to bullying little kids, but he wasn’t going to bully them while they had a weapon such as this. Still he managed to retain his cool composure. “My entire house have been murdered Weedley’ said Slate coolly. Someone dusted their weed with powdered bleach. They died shortly after the 4:20 ceremonial toke. I’d heard that members of another house were seen coming and leaving our common room earlier this morning. When I saw you I had you pegged for the culprits’ explained Slate. “Bollocks! Your entire house dead? We know RapeandEnjoy is a fiend! Where is his body, then?’ asked Ron. “Madame Poofey (Pomfey) is transforming the bodies into inferi, so their parents won’t realize they’re dead and sue the school’ said Slate. “Now you two bugger off before I have you expelled’ he spat. “Where is this Madame Poofey?’ Ron asked as he pointed the gun directly at Slate’s head. “In the brothel! Where else would you expect to find a hairy tranny pimp?’ exclaimed Slate. “Where is the brothel?’ asked Ron impatiently. “It’s hidden within the castle walls to keep it safe from the authorities. The secret entrance can only be opened if you know the magic word. Only trusted teachers and students are welcome there Weedley, which you obviously aren’t.’ spat Slate “But I’ll wager that you are, so lead the way’ demanded Ron. Ron didn’t know if Slate was telling the truth, nor did he care. All that mattered was revenge. If RapeandEnjoy was dead, he would at least make certain that an open casket funeral was out of the question.

“What the bloody hell was that?!’ exclaimed RapeandEnjoy. “How should I know?’ replied Myrtle. “It came from the common room.’ Something was wrong, and he knew it. The dungeons seemed empty, and that noise scared the sh-- out of him. It sounded like an explosion. He waited to see if it would happen again, but it didn’t. He instinctually dove out of sight at the sound of approaching footsteps. Myrtle followed his lead by turning invisible. He sat and watched Professor Slate followed by Ron and Ginny as they marched across the bridge from the BaccyTin common room and passed right by him. “What is that object that Weedley is pointing at Professor Slate’s back like a wand?’ he wondered. He waited until they were out of sight then proceeded toward his bed chamber with Mrytle squeezing his bum. Here was a man that didn’t care about anyone but himself. A real bad boy, and a loner. “Just my type’ thought Myrtle.

“What the ‘ell happened teh me?’ groaned Shagrid as he sat up in bed. The last thing that he remembered was chugging down his ninety third glass of dragon piss brew. “Has one ‘ell of a kick’ he thought. It was a well known fact that giants could go on a beer drinking binge for weeks on end and never need worry of intoxication. “But it weren’t no weak ass brew, were it.’ thought Shagrid. Dragon’s piss could fuel a small puddle car. In fact Harry and Ron arrived at SmokeSport’s this year in a flying puddle car that had been fueled with the stuff. Shagrid couldn’t wait to siphon its forbidden magical fuel for recreational purposes. “Cornholius (Cornelius) Fudge made it unlawful teh care for dragons, cause their piss is too strong for most whizzards teh drink. I figgered ‘e wuz jus bein’ a right prick!’ thought Shagrid, “Darling, you’re up and about. How about giving a girl a hand?’ asked an expectant Madame Poofey. “I would if there wuz one ‘ere.’ said Shagrid dismissively. Madame Poofey paid him no mind, if he wasn’t going to help, then she’d have to move the children’s bodies by herself. This was very dangerous magic, and the slightest mistake could mean disaster. It was only in the prepared room of transformation that she could control the magic, but she was nearly finished positioning them. “Aye, why am I ‘ere?’ asked Shagrid. “You are here, darling, because Professor Slate thought you were going to die from an overdose. He tried every known remedy, but nothing revived you.’ “I wuz only drunk’ spat Shagrid. “And so ‘e brought me ‘ere to you. At your request I’d wager.’ said Shagrid disgustedly. “Slate wanted you to rest on a clean bed large enough for your massive body. There was only one in the entire castle, and its mine, Darling. I merely allowed him to place you here.” replied Madame Poofey. “Yeh, well, don’t be getting’ any idears. I ain’t dead, an’ I sure as ‘ell ain’t no faery.’ cried Shagrid. “I have no intentions of taking advantage of you, and now that you’re felling better I would appreciate it if you’d just leave’ cried Madame Poofey. “I’m not goin’ anywhere’ growled Shagrid as he lay back down on the bed. He was too tired to care if he was still welcome. Madame Poofey was deeply hurt by Shagrid’s insensitive comments. She couldn’t hold back her tears as she used the wingardium leviosa spell to move another dead BaccyTin into the infiri room, where in a few minutes she’d turn them into undead workers for her brothel.

Herpionme was feeling great. The phoenix feces had an incredible effect on her. She felt as though nothing could go wrong. Where she had been uncertain before, she now had confidence in abundance. This was going to be her lucky day, she could feel it. She was pregnant with her only child, and she knew exactly what she must do. She needed to find a bloke to take responsibility, and she knew just the one. Before entering to the castle she cried out “Accio marauder’s map’. It shot out of RapeandEnjoy’s robes, magically burst through the castle walls, and flew into Herpe’s hand. Fortunately, RapeandEnjoy had already removed his robes and was unaware of anything other than the ecstasy he was experiencing with Minging Myrtle. Herpes cast the spell, and looked over the map. Ron, Ginny, and Professor Slate were at the entrance to the brothel. She could understand Professor Slate initiating Ginny into the services of the brothel, but what was Ron’s business? It was obvious that he was doing something stupid, again. She didn’t know exactly what was happening, but she knew that something was wrong and she’d have to hurry. She ran quickly into the castle.
Harry found the stone floor of SmokeSummore’s office. He was completely buried under a mound of garbage that SmokeSummore left laying on the floor. “It’s hopless!’ he thought to himself. He was dying for a spliff. ‘HELP, I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP!’ he cried out almost laughing. It was something that he’d always wanted the chance to say, but the office was empty and no one was around to hear him. Or at least no one that would appreciate the jest of his comment as this was a cruel reminder to the portraits on the wall of their inability to escape their two dimensional imprisonment. They chose to ignore him. He’d have to wait for someone to check in before he’d get any help. “I’ve got to get out of here before I suffocate’ thought Harry. And then he witnessed a horrific event. A loud crash came from just beyond the spiral staircase, and a small number of elite government agents poured into the office. Despite his desperate situation he felt safer remaining silent.

“SmokeSummore, we have a warrant for your arrest! Come out and give yourself up!’ cried the team leader. “My good man, SmokeSummore is at the corner 7-11’ replied an ancient looking whizzard in a portrait. A myriad of shots were immediately fired at the portrait, which would have killed the poor conjure were he still flesh and blood. “F—k, he’s not corporeal. We can’t kill him. Save your ammunition! Spread out and search this dump. Orders are to kill on sight’ screamed the team leader. Harry had sh— himself. These were complete psychotic a--holes. “They must be MI6 agents’ he thought to himself. He could see out of a few little peak holes in the trash that covered him, and hoped that they wouldn’t see him. The only thing hiding him was the rubbish he was buried under, which seemed to repulse the agents that drew near, probably because of the smell of his sh--. They slashed and burned all of the portraits of old headmasters, and headmistresses. Then they set about shredding the bean bag seat, and smashed SmokeSummore’s desk. In about 2 minutes they had completely destroyed anything of value in the office. But that didn’t stop them, they pounded on the stone walls searching for a hidden room or passage. A few of the MI6 agents picked up some blunts and used them to roll a “leftovers’ spliff, and they took turns taking drags. “Bloody b--tard has to be here somewhere. Kill everyone in the school if need be. Draw him out!’ cried the team leader. “SIR!’ screamed a grunt. “I think that you should have a look at this. Travel plans, sir.” The team leader considered the travel brochure briefly. “So SmokeSummore thinks he can escape to the United States, does he? As her majesty’s secret police, we’ll have something to say about that! Change of orders men, it’s time to move out.’ Harry couldn’t believe his luck, they had totally overlooked the pile of garbage he lay under. “Oh, and brigadier, torch this f—ing place!’ the team leader commanded airily. “Son of a b--ch! Out of the frying pan and into the bloody fire.’ thought Harry. And then it happened. A Molotov cocktail soared through the air and crashed in the garbage nearby. He had no choice, but wait until they left the room before struggling to get away from the burning rubbish. He tried to move his legs with all his might while pulling himself away from the fire with his arms as fast and as hard as he could, but the fire was burning fast. It cut off his plotted route of escape. Only a miracle could save him now. His hand seemed to find a blunt every few inches. “Hell, I might as well get off before I die in searing pain’ he thought decisively. Scrapping up a handful of blunts, and a chocolate bar wrapper, Harry made his own “leftovers’ spliff. He stuck out his arm outward as far as it would reach and after some effort managed to light the tip in the edge of the fire. He took two long drags, then he felt it. A tingling in his legs. He could move his legs! Five more drags and he was on his feet. Three more drags and he jumped through the fire singeing his pubic hairs, and landed safely on the other side. He made his way to the spiral staircase as fast as he could. He would live, and he owed it all to the spliff he held in his hand.

Professor Slate was followed by Ron and Ginny into the brothel where it was immediately obvious to all present that something had gone terribly wrong. “It’s too quiet.’ said Slate. “The brothel is always busy. Wands out Weedleys.’ he cried. “Yeah like I’m that bleedin’ stupid. As soon as I lower this gun you’ll rush me.’ replied Ron. No sooner had Ron issued these words than came a horrible moan from around the corner in front of them. “Sounds like someone’s busy to me. Move!’ demanded Ron. But Slate was no fool. He knew what manner of monster made such an unearthly moan, and stood his ground waiting for it to turn the corner. Finally a beautiful girl did turn the corner and face them. She moaned louder with arms outstretched. “It’s Fleur DeWh—e (Fleur Delacour), Madame Poofey’s star ho.’ exclaimed Slate. Fleur was stumbling through the corridor toward them moaning, and it was apparent to all present that something bad had happened to her. “Use fire, she’s infiri!’ Slate cried. “She’s dead if she thinks she can keep me from getting to RapeandEnjoy.’ cried Ron. *BLAM* Fluer’s head exploded, covering the walls with blood and tissue. AWESOME!’ exclaimed Ginny. “Let me have a go of it.’ she pleaded. “We’re running out of ammo, and we can’t afford to waste a shot.’ explained Ron. “Exactly right, Weedley, you can’t afford to waste a shot.’ said Slate snidely. “Don’t worry, I’ll save one bullet just for you.’ replied Ron cheerfully. “We’re not leaving until we find RapeandEnjoy. Ginny can hex infiri with her bat boogey spell, so move your arse old man!’ They moved through the brothel wing hexing one zombie after another, until they were completely surrounded. “A fine mess you got us in Weedley! 50 points from Spliffindor, for failure to use fire.’ spat Slate, but they ignored him. “BUGGER OFF!’ boomed a loud and angry voice from the next room. “Shagrid?!’ exclaimed Ginny. It was so unexpected that it had given an infiri prostitute the opportunity to grab hold of professor Slate. It tore down his pants and began fellating him. Slate screamed in ecstasy, and crumpled to the floor. “At least he died with a smile on his face’ said Ron. But even as the Weedleys made their way to the door with the bat boogey spell, they could see Slate rising. Now he too was infiri. “It happened so fast.’ cried Ginny. “Keep moving’ ordered Ron. They made their way through the door, and slammed it shut behind them. “RON, GINNY, BEHIND YOU!’ screamed Shagrid. Two hulking bodies were headed toward them. It was Crap (Crabbe) and Girl (Goyle). “Don’t even bother, b--ches!’ spat Ron *BLAM* *BLAM* Two more zombies were down, and Ron only had two bullets left. “But I only need one for RapeandEnjoy’ he thought. “Shagrid, what are you doing here?’ asked Ginny “I thought I might be askin’ you that.’ replied Shagrid. “It’s the bloody undead, it is. Walkin’ round humpin’ anything that moves. Yeh get raped by a zombie, yeh become a zombie. And that’s not suppos’ teh happen. I keep knockin’ ‘em down, but the bloody things keep gettin’ back up. I think we’re gunna die down ‘ere’ wailed Shagrid. ”But how did it happen?’ asked Ron. “Madame Poofey tried teh turn them dead kids in teh zombies, but he was too upset to perform the spell correctly an’ lost control over ‘em.’ explained Shagrid. “I’m nearly out of ammo here, mate. Any idea how to kill a zombie? Other than with fire I mean. We don’t know any fire curses.’ explained Ron. “Fire! Now why didn’t I think of that? Don’t need magic teh use fire.’ Shagrid broke off Madame Poofey’s bedpost, wrapped it with a satin bed sheet, and set it on fire with his wand. “’ere, you two use this teh scare away the zombies, an’ I’ll use me magic teh burn ‘em,’ said Shagrid. “You know fire curses?!’ exclaimed Ron. “Course I do. What do yeh take me for? A bloomin’ firs’ year?’ snapped Shagrid. Most students at SmokeSports learned how to use fire curses as a means of lighting their spliffs. Ron and Ginny, who never excelled at extra curricular activities, had depended on matches from the corner 7-11. It was, as either of them would tell you, easier and neither of them wished to burn his or her face off trying to light a spliff. But now as Shagrid handed them the giant torch they suddenly wished they had learned to cast fire. “It must weigh 35 kilograms.’ Ginny thought as she strained to help Ron hold the massive torch. Trying to get past zombies while holding it was going to be difficult.

RapeandEnjoy felt raptured by Minging Myrtle’s ghostly body. He had ascended to the great beyond by the grace of her gentle supernatural touch. He had become the Maitreya, he was one with the universe. He alone would rape the world, and enjoy it. But first he was going to get baked. He wanted to enjoy the moment, but he needed a spliff. He burst into the common room looking around for any trace of pot. “Where’s the bloody weed?’ he screamed. He searched the entire common room, but all the weed on the common room table had vanished. Frustrated he gave the sofa a kick and saw part of a broken bong wand under the edge. “Luck of the god!’ he exclaimed as he lunged for it. The bong was broken and quite unusable. He dumped the wad on a rolling paper and to his delight it was still green inside. He rolled it up tight and walked back to his bed chamber where a waiting Minging Myrtle was ready to take him back to a higher plane. He immediately lit the spliff wth his wand, and took a long drag. Something didn’t seem right. It tasted different this time. “Must be older than it looked’ he thought. He took another drag as he lay down on the bed. Myrtle hopped on top of him. She was horny, and ready for another go. His eyes dilated drawing Myrtle’s attention. He watched as her face turned from an expression of lust to one of horror, and sat up suddenly. “What’s your bleedin’ problem?’ he cried. But then he saw that it was he that had the bleeding problem. Blood was pouring out of his face like so much water from a faucet. “The ‘ell is happening?…’ he cried as he fell backward onto his bed. He drew up into a ball, laying on his side and began shivering. Myrtle screamed for help, but the dungeons were empty and no one could hear her. She watched as he drew his final breathe. She couldn’t wait any longer, she knew that she couldn’t save his life, but she could keep him from leaving her completely. She picked up his wand and cast a spell on him.
He that was soon to be dead, shall live a half life instead.
Half alive you’ll be, a ghost like me.
I curse you to stay with me, for all eternity.
Myrtle’s spell was working, RapeandEnjoy’s body turned to ash and smoke poured from it. His bed began to glow with a ghostly aura. And finally he materialized. As ghostly as Myrtle herself. Unfortunately for RapeandEnjoy the spell was cast late, and he died while trying to commit an act of lust, and his ghostly form reflected this. He looked up at Myrtle. “What the ‘ell. You’re huge!’ he exclaimed. “Oh, no! I’m sorry’ she cried. RapeandEnjoy looked at himself, at at once realized that his ghostly form was a c--k. “I’m a f---ing twig!’ he exclaimed. “B--ch, you better turn me back now.’ he cried. “I can’t.’ she wailed. “You’re dead. And your ghostly form is permanent’ The reality of this hit RapeandEnjoy like a ton of bricks. Not only was he a ghostly c--k, but he’d remain in this form forever. That is unless… “There might be a way for me to get my body back.’ he cried. The sorcerer’s crack is said to contain the power to regenerate life. I overheard that drifter, Shagrid, mumbling about it. SmokeSummore must have it well guarded, but you could get it for me.’ pleaded RapeandEnjoy. Myrtle thought for a moment. “Where would SmokeSummore hide the philosopher’s rock.’ she asked. “There’s only one place he ever hides his stash. Up his arse’ said RapeandEnjoy. Myrtle reluctantly set off to find SmokeSummore, but she didn’t fancy seaching the old man's bum.

Harry put on his robes, feeling relieved that his 197 millimeter c-ck was no longer public display. While it wasn’t uncommon for a stoner to run around the castle stark naked, he’d found it rather uncomfortable. Most of the girl’s at SmokeSport's had already seen his large c-ck, but the guys were laughing at him. He knew that it was abnormal, but the women never complained. And yet he didn’t feel like bragging about it. He had no time to even consider the matter. Those MI6 bast-rds were after SmokeSummore, and he had to find the old man before they did. On his way back to his bed chamber, He had stopped at the lavatory to wipe the dung from his bum, and later in the common room to inquire as to the whereabouts of SmokeSummore. He grabbed his wand off his bed, and threw his invisibility cloak over his head. His marauder’s map would come in handy if only he had it, but he couldn’t waste time searching for it now. “Today is Sunday and it’s nine fourty two in the evening.’ thought Harry. There had been no class today. IveDun'EmAll said she had business to attend. She should be in the Transfiguration classroom. It was the only place he could think of. He didn’t waste any time, he took to his heels running as fast as his legs would carry him.

Herpionme had burst through the doors of the brothel wing, and was shocked to see the body of Fluer DeW--re lying in a puddle of coagulated blood 10 meters in front of her. She ran around the corner and several horny infiri turned to greet her with enthusiastic groans. “Incendio’ she cried. The infiri fell back as though hurt by the flames. She ran past them and through the next three rooms where she cast Incendio three more times before she ran into Slate. She couldn’t believe her eyes. “Not professor Slate!’ she cried. He had been a strict potions master, but she’d loved him for his commitment to excellence and hard work. “He wasn’t bad in the sack either.’ she thought. Slate was getting dangerously close, his erect member was less than two meters away when she heard a loud voice cry out “GET AWAY FROM ‘ER!’ Shagrid cast flagrate and a large burning X attached to Slate’s body. Slate lost all control, swinging his arms like the Frankenstein monster, and tripping over himself. He was going ape sh--, and driving the other infiri wild. “Wanker had it comin’, he did.’ said Shagrid with a wild gleam in his eyes. Ron couldn’t fathom what Slate had done to piss Shagrid off this much, but he was glad that he wasn’t the one roasting. Herpes ran over to Shagrid and gave him a hug of gratitude for saving her life. Shagrid was too busy watching Slate burn to even notice her. He ran forward, knocking Herpionme out of the way, and gave Slate a heavy kick from his giant boot that sent him crashing into a cluster of infiri. “It looks like the way is clear, we should get the hell out while we’re still able.’ cried Ginny. “You go ahead’ said Shagrid. “Think I’ll stay ‘ere a while and keep the fire from goin’ out.’ “Suit yourself’ replied Ron. Then the three of them, Ron, Ginny, and Herpionme left the brothel. “Who shot Fluer with a gun?” asked Herpes. “Ron, of course.’ replied Ginny jealously. “Did you see the jublies on her?’ cried Ron. “I totally missed them on the way in.’ said Ron. “That’s because on the way in you were thinking with your balls, and on the way out you were thinking with your c--k.’ explained Ginny. “That’s deep, man’ said Ron as he took a hit on his bong wand. “I didn’t see you light that’ said Ginny ‘You can use fire magic?’. “No, I just figured there was no point in letting all the fire back there go to waste.’ said Ron. “Moron! We were nearly killed!’ cried Ginny. “Which makes the leaf all the sweeter’ he replied. “You were willing to kill anyone that stood in your way, and now you’re satisfied with toking.’ cried Ginny. “Herpes is here, I can’t be angry when she’s around’ said Ron. Herpionme grabbed Ron’s hand and held it tightly, as they walked. “I broke up with Harry’ said Herpes. “I was going to shag someone else, but the only one that could make me happy is you.’ “What do you mean broke up with.’ sneered Ron. “Ron, Harry and I have been lovers for over a year now, he didn’t want you to know because he thought that it would hurt your feelings, but it was only sexual gratification and nothing else. Ron, forget about that. I need you now, and if you’ll have me, this is your chance’ “Yeah right, so I can have a turn just like everybody else!’ exclaimed Ron nearly breaking into tears. She pulled him to her pressing her body against his. “Just because others had a go before you doesn’t mean that we can’t have something special now. If you want me, accept me as I am. You’re the only one who can heal my heart, Ron. I want to have your baby.’ Ron gasped in excitement. Herpes had never talked to him like this before. Was she serious, had she really decided to become his lover? The next moment they were snogging. “Get a room’ cried Ginny.