1: There's a man who has a parrot that always likes to curse, yell, and screech.
First, he tried to talk soothingly to it, but nevertheless... it kept cursing and yelling obscenities.
Then, the man got mad so he started yelling too. This just encouraged the parrot to curse and yell even louder than before.
Fed up, the man stuffs the parrot into the freezer. There's still a lot of cursing going on inside the freezer. He waits outside for a little while. Suddenly, there's silence. He opens the freezer to see what happened.
The parrot walks right onto his open hand and says "i am sorry for every trouble i've caused you, it was very impolite of me. I promise never to curse nor screech again."
The man, happy beyond belief, asks "Why this sudden change of attitude?"
The parrot slowly asks "do you mind telling me what happened to the turkey?"
2: A vampire bat comes flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parks himself on the ceiling of the cave.
Pretty soon all the other bats smell the blood and begin hassling him about where he got it.
He tells them to leave him alone, but they persist until he finally gives in.
"OK, OK. See that tree out there?" he asks, pointing through the mouth of the cave.
"Yes, yes, yes!", the bats all scream in a frenzy.
"Good"' says the first bat. "Because I didn't!"
A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar --a salt shaker, --a shot of Baileys --and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.
He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it...
in one second the sharp lime taste hits...
at two seconds the Baileys curdles...
at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.
This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend. She smiles widely at him and says,
"So, how did you like it? It's called 'Blow Job's Revenge.'