Thanks, Corran. Another.
There were two identical twins, Joe and John. Joe had a beautiful wife, while John was single and stuck with an old dilapidated boat.
The boat was getting out of hand, and when four young fishers requested to rent the old boat, he gladly agreed.
A week later, they came back and said that the boat had sunk. Not sure if they were trying to lie and steal the boat, John travelled to the ocean. Sure enough, he found the pieces of his old, faithful boat.
Meanwhile, in his absense, Joe's wife died of pneumonia.
He came back to the town. An old lady saw him, and thinking he was Joe, she said sympathetically, "I'm sorry. You must feel terrible about your loss."
Thinking she was talking about the sunk boat, John snorted and said:
"Oh, that old wreck? Hell no! She was old, and smelled bad. Her bottom was beginning to rot. She had this big crack in the front, and a gaping hole in the back. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger. But that wasn't the gist of it. One day, I rented her off to four guys, who really seemed to want to use her. I heard that they all tried to get into her all at once, and she split RIGHT down the middle."
The old woman fainted.
Originally posted by Deathblow
A young woman was in hospital in the maternity ward giving birth. She'd been in there for over 2 hours, this kid just did not want to come out. Finally, the doctor delivering the baby yelled at her to make one last push, the woman strained for one last time, then fell back on the bed exhausted. The doctor took the newborn baby in his arms and walked to the head of the bed. The woman reached out to take her child, tears of happiness and relief running down her face, but the doctor pulled it away from her, and taking the baby roughly by it's tiny ankles, starting swinging it around the room, smashing it's skull against the walls and through the heavy metal table next to the bed. The woman screamed in pure horror, completely unable to believe what she was seeing. Then the doctor stopped, smiled at her and said ''April Fools! The baby was dead when it came out anyway!''[/spoiler]
Originally posted by ladygrim
Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...Ghost Shit
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.
Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!
Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.
Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.
Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.
Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!
Cement Block or Oh God Shit
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.
Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.
Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your ******* stops burning.
Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.
The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in
The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your ******* feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.
The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.
The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
The Toxic Gas Shit
The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.
Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.
Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!
The Never Ending Shit
It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours
this had me laugh for hours
Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost
Q: How do we know Michael is guilty?
A: Several children have fingered him.
Q. Why did Michael Jackson rush over to Wal-Mart?
A. He heard that boys' pants were 1/2 off.