Bob calls in to his job:
"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I'm not coming into work today."
The boss says:
"You know Bob I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
2 hours later Bob calls:
"Boss, I did what you said and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."
Originally posted by scooby doo 12
Bob calls in to his job:
"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I'm not coming into work today."The boss says:
"You know Bob I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."2 hours later Bob calls:
"Boss, I did what you said and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first
Class dismissed!" the teacher yelled but little Johnny doesn't go.
He walks to the teachers desk and says, "Teacher can i go home with you?"
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
So the teacher says, "Okay."
They get to the teachers house and she says, "Well i'm going to take a quick shower, you sit right here."
"Can i take a shower with you?" he asks.
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
So the teacher says, "Well okay, I guess."
So their in the shower and little Johnny says, "Can i turn off the lights?"
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
So the teacher says, "Okay."
So the lights are off and little Johnny says, "Can i stick my finger in your belly button?"
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
"Well okay." says the teacher, "JOHNNY!, that's not my belly-button!"
"Yeah? and that's not my finger eather!"
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
who sucked it and f***ed it, and called it a c**t.
my fav. tongue twister!
I'm not the pheasant plucker,I'm the pheasant plucker's son
I'm only plucking pheasants 'til the pheasant plucker comes.
say it really fast,it's hilarious when you get all tongue-tied 😂
then there're:
the sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick (it's incomplete though)
she stood on the balcony,inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping,and amicably welcoming him home.
Originally posted by Anoushka
my fav. tongue twister!I'm not the pheasant plucker,I'm the pheasant plucker's son
I'm only plucking pheasants 'til the pheasant plucker comes.say it really fast,it's hilarious when you get all tongue-tied 😂
then there're:
the sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick (it's incomplete though)
she stood on the balcony,inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping,and amicably welcoming him home.
😂 The first one, a few funny words came out and the other two just were funny. Your first person to post a Tounge Twister good job 😄
One day there was a little girl and it was her birthday, but her parents had to go out for the night so they hired a babysiter and told him to let the girl do whatever she wanted to do because it was her birthday.
So when the parents left, the little girl was playing and the babysiter got tired so he said "I'm going to take a shower and the little girl said "Oh, can I take a shower with you?" and the babysiter said " Uh, O.K. Just don't look down."
When they were taking a shower the little girl dropped the shampoo and when she picked it up she saw his dick and said "What's that?"
The guy said "Um, it's a ruber ducky" and the girl says "O.K."
Then the babysiter said "I'm tired I'm going to go to sleep." and the girl says "Can I go to sleep with you?" and the guy says "Um, O.K. Just don't look under the covers."
So when they're in the bed there's a thunderstorm and the girl gets scared and hides under the covers. Then she looks at the guys dick and says "Can I play with your rubber ducky because I'm scared" and the guy says " Uh, O.K." and he falls asleep.
The next morning he looks at the bed and he sees the there is blood all over the place and he asks the little girl "What Happened" and the little girl says"The rubber ducky spit at me so I chopped it's head of
This couple comes to a new town and the guy gets a job at the local pickle factory. A few years go by and each year he wins the employee of the year award. One day in the 3rd year, he comes home looking all depressed.
His wife asks him what the matter is, to which he responds that he got fired.
"FIRED?!? How can you get fired, you're always employee of the year!!" she asked, stunned.
To this he responds that he had another fantasy that he needed to fulfill and it got him fired...
"Oh no, not again...What did you do this time?" she asks.
Well, I always fantasized about sticking my willy in the pickle slicer.
"You didn't!" she hoped.
He blushed and replied, "Well, yes I did."
Then she asks, "Did it hurt?"
"No no really," answers the man.
Puzzled she then asks, "Well what happened to the pickle slicer??"
He answers, "Oh, *she* got fired too!"
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."
One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos"
So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos"
Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said
"Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me"
How Plastic Gloves are Made.
A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking
very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied
Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of
latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their
hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes
of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a
delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working.
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Home » Community » The Off-Topic Forum » Riddles, ToungeTwisters and Jokes!
Riddles, ToungeTwisters and Jokes!
Started by: Masrix
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† Mäs †
Hiney Hunter
Registered: Jul 2005
Location: Over There!
__________________
~Thanks to Mist For New Sig
Nov 29th, 2005 06:20 AM
scooby doo 12
member
Registered: Aug 2005
Location: here
Bob calls in to his job:
"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I'm not coming into work today."
The boss says:
"You know Bob I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
2 hours later Bob calls:
"Boss, I did what you said and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."
Nov 29th, 2005 08:04 PM
Barker
Seven And Four
Registered: Jun 2005
Location: The Murph
quote: (post)
Originally posted by scooby doo 12
Bob calls in to his job:
"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I'm not coming into work today."
The boss says:
"You know Bob I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
2 hours later Bob calls:
"Boss, I did what you said and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."
Why Was He At His Boss's House?
__________________
Signatures! | Potter FanFic! [Coming Soon]
Nov 29th, 2005 08:06 PM
Darth Macabre
Grey King of the Debb
Registered: May 2005
Location: United States
lol thats funny....
He went to his boss's wife for the sex and not his own.
__________________
The only thing thats with you your whole life is complete and utter darkness
Nov 29th, 2005 08:11 PM
† Mäs †
Hiney Hunter
Registered: Jul 2005
Location: Over There!
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first
__________________
~Thanks to Mist For New Sig
Nov 29th, 2005 10:29 PM
scooby doo 12
member
Registered: Aug 2005
Location: here
Class dismissed!" the teacher yelled but little Johnny doesn't go.
He walks to the teachers desk and says, "Teacher can i go home with you?"
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
So the teacher says, "Okay."
They get to the teachers house and she says, "Well i'm going to take a quick shower, you sit right here."
"Can i take a shower with you?" he asks.
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
So the teacher says, "Well okay, I guess."
So their in the shower and little Johnny says, "Can i turn off the lights?"
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
So the teacher says, "Okay."
So the lights are off and little Johnny says, "Can i stick my finger in your belly button?"
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
"Well okay." says the teacher, "JOHNNY!, that's not my belly-button!"
"Yeah? and that's not my finger eather!"
Nov 30th, 2005 04:44 AM
scooby doo 12
member
Registered: Aug 2005
Location: here
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
who sucked it and f***ed it, and called it a c**t.
Nov 30th, 2005 05:00 AM
Anoushka
The Vampire Anoushka
Registered: Oct 2003
Location: Singapore
my fav. tongue twister!
I'm not the pheasant plucker,I'm the pheasant plucker's son
I'm only plucking pheasants 'til the pheasant plucker comes.
say it really fast,it's hilarious when you get all tongue-tied
then there're:
the sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick (it's incomplete though)
she stood on the balcony,inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping,and amicably welcoming him home.
__________________
thanks Irene
yes,the rumours are true.i'm on my way back
Nov 30th, 2005 07:06 AM
† Mäs †
Hiney Hunter
Registered: Jul 2005
Location: Over There!
quote: (post)
Originally posted by Anoushka
my fav. tongue twister!
I'm not the pheasant plucker,I'm the pheasant plucker's son
I'm only plucking pheasants 'til the pheasant plucker comes.
say it really fast,it's hilarious when you get all tongue-tied
then there're:
the sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick (it's incomplete though)
she stood on the balcony,inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping,and amicably welcoming him home.
The first one, a few funny words came out and the other two just were funny. Your first person to post a Tounge Twister good job
__________________
~Thanks to Mist For New Sig
Nov 30th, 2005 10:35 AM
Anoushka
The Vampire Anoushka
Registered: Oct 2003
Location: Singapore
we do loads of them for drama warmups,so.
another one!
give me the gift of a grip top sock
a drip drape ship shape tip top sock.
__________________
thanks Irene
yes,the rumours are true.i'm on my way back
Nov 30th, 2005 08:09 PM
† Mäs †
Hiney Hunter
Registered: Jul 2005
Location: Over There!
quote: (post)
Originally posted by Anoushka
we do loads of them for drama warmups,so.
another one!
give me the gift of a grip top sock
a drip drape ship shape tip top sock.
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
who sucked it and f***ed it, and called it a c**t.
Originally posted by ben_dover😂 😂 😂
How Plastic Gloves are Made.A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking
very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied
Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of
latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their
hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes
of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a
delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working.