After reading the preview part, I do agree it's very random and like Spartan said there's not much detail, BUT you can fix these things.
For example take a look at a Stephen King or Dean Koontz book and see how when they describe events, people, actions etc. they usually take a few paragraphs to do this. I'm not saying go copy what they do word for word, but just look at how they describe things and see how they can take what would normally be a few sentences and stretch it into paragraphs.
Originally posted by Ultraman BaltanNow that I think about it, and actually critique it, how can the kids run into the house if "The chaos continu(ed) until everything on the street is a pile of ashes and trash?" Technically houses are on the street.
Midnight in Midtro City is always calm and cool. A jungle of buildings upon the area are found everywhere. Think of a New York City that sleeps. Very few are out at any time of night in this particular street.
A small boy runs out into the street with his small Spiderman action figure.
“I’m gonna get you Tommy!” he shouts.
“Nuh uh!” says little Tommy.
They run across the entire neighborhood, screaming and jumping.
“Peter! Tommy! Stop it!” shouts their mother. “People are trying to sleep! You aren’t even allowed to be up this time!”
“Come on! Five more minutes?” pouts Peter.
“You heard what your mother said, boys.” replied the father who just came out of the house.
A few seconds later, a loud motor is heard. Every moment it grows louder, until the reason shows itself. A large motorcycle starts to bolt down the street, almost hitting the kids. He pulls out a hand grenade and chucks into a car, utterly destroying it. He then begins firing a handgun at the windows of the innocent homes. Again and again the chaos continues until everything on the street is a pile of ashes and trash.
The kids run to their mom, sobbing and screaming. The neighbors rush out side to see what the matter is, but it’s too late. The destruction was finished.
“My car!” screams a man. “What did that bastard do to my car!”
“That’s never happened before!” says an old woman.
Suddenly, the motor is heard again. But no longer is there one ringing noise, but two. Then ten. Then fifty.
“Get in the house, boys.” says the father with a fear struck look.
“But dad........”
“Dammit, Peter! Get in the house!”
Everyone on the streets ran into their houses like mice being chased by a cat. They knew what was going to happen, and they were hoping to God they survive.
And it's also not too good to say "Think of a Ney York City that sleeps." Adressing the reader like that is usually only done in childrens books, or humor stories. Something like 'The Metropolitian was comparable to the atomosphere of New York City, except the city actually slept."
Originally posted by TheKingofKINGS!
Now that I think about it, and actually critique it, how can the kids run into the house if "The chaos continu(ed) until everything on the street is a pile of ashes and trash?" Technically houses are on the street.And it's also not too good to say "Think of a Ney York City that sleeps." Adressing the reader like that is usually only done in childrens books, or humor stories. Something like 'The Metropolitian was comparable to the atomosphere of New York City, except the city actually slept."
yup ✅
Originally posted by Ultraman Baltan
Yet I wrote a five page outline on it. I'm pretty damn sure that gives it the right to be called "in the making", Mr. Brilliant. 🙄
Originally posted by Ultraman Baltan
If you were a human being, I would care.
Oh, and I've shown people who actually published books my introduction, and they absolutely loved it. One even said it may go pretty damn far.
Oh you should write about a warlock that goes to this Warlock, and Witches school. He has a cloud over his right eye. It was a scar, from a guy that tried to kill his grandma and granpa.
His name is Gary Knotter.
I think it might be a good read.
Originally posted by TheKingofKINGS!
Now that I think about it, and actually critique it, how can the kids run into the house if "The chaos continu(ed) until everything on the street is a pile of ashes and trash?" Technically houses are on the street.And it's also not too good to say "Think of a Ney York City that sleeps." Adressing the reader like that is usually only done in childrens books, or humor stories. Something like 'The Metropolitian was comparable to the atomosphere of New York City, except the city actually slept."
Originally posted by Ultraman BaltanAt least something liek "Hey, that's good advice" or "wow, you'er an idiot with no regard for writing. Kindly castrate yourself with a rusty hacksaw, then ingest what you cut."
Whoever said I did?
Besides, it's my project. I'm not gonna steal the editorials of some random person who won't get any credit? It's not right to do so.
Originally posted by Röland
After reading the preview part, I do agree it's very random and like Spartan said there's not much detail
1. It's not random, considering it leads to something. Not only that, but I changed it so you know why he did it.
2. Considering that people have shorter attention spans and how long the chapter is compared to the others, I could definately say that is an ok thing to do. I mean, look at Eragorn. Whatever they did was incredibly short, but there were a ton of things.