Only vaguely religious but still...
"John, a political activist, was just arriving in Hell when he was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell.
John, naturally, wanted to compare the two, so he made his way to the entrance of Capitalist Hell. Outside the door stood Adam Smith, looking bored. "What's it like in there?", asked John. "Well," he he said, "in Capitalist Hell they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"That's horrible!!", John cried . "I'm going to check out Communist Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in. The line circled around the lobby seven times before disappearing off into the distance. John pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. John asked Karl what Communist Hell was like.
"In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!", John protested in a confused fashion.
"True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives, sometimes the vulture itself has been eaten... "
Originally posted by Imperial_Samura
One that seems appropriate for Lord Urizen:
I had to learn that lesson the Hard Way. ✅ But Jesus still calls me up sometimes for a routine quickie.
Or for a nice blowjob when he's stressed out....all that miracle working takes a toll on the poor fella !
I'm more than happy to serve my Lord....if you know what I mean....droolio
Originally posted by Imperial_Samura
Only vaguely religious but still..."John, a political activist, was just arriving in Hell when he was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell.
John, naturally, wanted to compare the two, so he made his way to the entrance of Capitalist Hell. Outside the door stood Adam Smith, looking bored. "What's it like in there?", asked John. "Well," he he said, "in Capitalist Hell they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"That's horrible!!", John cried . "I'm going to check out Communist Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in. The line circled around the lobby seven times before disappearing off into the distance. John pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. John asked Karl what Communist Hell was like.
"In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."
"But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!", John protested in a confused fashion.
"True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives, sometimes the vulture itself has been eaten... "
Aaaaaaaahahahaha!!
Jesus was making his usual rounds of Heaven when he noticed a sad looking old man sitting on a bench looking very desolate. The following week he was disturbed to see him sitting in the same place looking equally sad. The week after that he was still there and Jesus decided he had to act. He stopped to talk to him.
"See here old fellow" Jesus said, "you're in Heaven! Paradise! The sun is shining, the angels singing, all this wonderful food! This is bliss for most people. Why aren't you happy?"
"Well" said the old man, "you see I was a carpenter on earth and I lost my only son far to soon. He was very special you see, truly unique in origin. I was hoping more then anything I would meet him again in heaven." As he finished he gave a sad sigh.
Tears sprang from Jesus' eyes and he cried "FATHER!"
Hearing this the old man burst into tears as he jumped to his feet and embraced Jesus as he cried "PINOCCHIO!"
A great strip from "Shortpacked"
How many of the following Christian denomination followers does it take to change a light bulb?
Anglicans - 8 -One to call the electrician and 7 to say how much they liked the old one better
Charismatics - 1 - Only one. Hands are already in the air.
Lutherans - Change ?!?!?!?!?!
Mennonites - 15 - At least 15; 1 to change the bulb and 3 or 4 committees to approve the change... Oh, and a casserole.
Mormons - 5 - One man to change the bulb and 4 wives to tell him how to do it
Presbyterians - None - God has predestined when the lights will go on and off
Unitarians - We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb. Present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Unitarians rock 😂
I probably shouldn't, but it seems so accurate...
And just because I am a Big Non Sequitur fan...
Some definitions from Ambrose Bierce's "The Devil's Dictionary":
"REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it."
"PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called "trousers" by the enlightened and "pants" by the unworthy."
"PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed resemblance to man."
"PILGRIM, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. A Pilgrim Father was one who, leaving Europe in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalms
through his nose, followed it to Massachusetts, where he could personate God according to the dictates of his conscience."
"PLAGUE, n. In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for admonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the
Immune. The plague as we of to-day have the happiness to know it is
merely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless
objectionableness."
"PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy."
Q: Why do Mormon women stop having babies at thirty-five?
A: Because thirty-six is just too many.
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A Catholic priest went into a barber shop for a haircut. When he was finished, the barber refused to take payment saying, "You are a man of the cloth... this is a free service that I offer to you." The Priest thanked the barber and went on his way. The next morning the barber found seven fishes and seven loaves of bread on his doorstep in gratitude from the priest.
The next week, a Jewish Rabbi went into the same shop for a cut. Again the barber refused payment saying, "You are a man of God... this is a free service that I offer to you." The next morning the barber found a fitting gift from the Rabbi.
The following week, two LDS Missionaries went into the shop for haircuts. Again, the barber refused payment saying, "You work in the service of God... this is a free service that I offer to you." The next morning the barber arrived to find 12 LDS Missionaries on his doorstep.
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And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created fast food and the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMO's
What would Nursery Rhymes be like if they were Biblical? Or done in King James Version at least? Meryl Arbing and Lorne Brown have been working on (for like the last 10 years it seems) the [i]Mother Goose:The King James Version"[/b] - Below is Humpty Dumpty in King James.
"1. And lo, There was in the same country a wall both great and strong.
2. And the Egg sitteth on this wall, yea verily, as at other times, [even] upon a seat on the wall, (he is exceeding proud) his loftiness, and his arrogance, and his pride, and the haughtiness of his heart: and the man arose, and didst say:
3. Behold, I will send a blast upon him, and he shall hear a rumour, and I will cause him to fall from his place. For if any fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him [that is] alone when he falleth; for [he hath] not another to help him up.
4. And he did send a blast upon him and he did fall from his place. How are the mighty fallen. And God saw the Egg fall.
5. And the Egg was burst asunder, was shattered into pieces as numerous as the stars, yea all the stars, that men seeth when they glance unto the heavens. The did the Egg speak, and he did say:
6. I wot not whist I am nor whence I came. I was at ease, but he hath broken me asunder: he hath also taken [me] by my neck, and shaken me to pieces. Behold, who shall surely gather me together for my sake?
7. When the news of the great fall was brought unto the king he was sore troubled. By the river of Babylon he sat down and wept. Then the king ariseth, and thus did say:
8. I will surely assemble thee, O Egg, all of thee; I will gather thy remnants; I will put them together as the sheep of the field, as the flock in the midst of their fold: we shall make great noise by reason of [the multitude of] my men.
9. And he called forth to his men saying: Arise, men of valour and strength and gird your loins. Mount ye your horses and riden outen at my command, that ye travel to the great wall. And there ye shall find, lying at the base, an egg, in pieces several and ye shall grieve.
10. But I say unto you, gird your loins and seeketh every piece, yea even unto the smallest thereof, and then remaketh whole the egg again. And whence thou hast finished, and the egg is as it was whence it were on topoth the wall, bring ye it to me that I may marvel at it.
11. And they came with haste, and their number was seven times seventy, to where the Egg didst lie broken. And when they saw it they were sore afraid, for they knew not whether `twas in their power to assemble yon Egg ast it had been in the beginning.
12. And though they girdeth their loins, and toileth as the lily in the fields toileth not, verily the pieces wouldst not and couldst not be brought together again.
13. When the news was brought even unto the king, the king was filled with great wrath. And all gates trembled, and the voice of the turtle was stilled.
14. Then out went the king, and he pondered these words in his heart: What man has rent asunder, let no god join together.
15. For, it is written: Pride [goeth] before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall."
I dare say it looses some of its simple charm in the process. I'd hate to see a lengthy nursery rhyme given such a treatment.