Religious humour

Hitler dies and goes up to heaven to see if they'll let him in. First he walks up a flight of bronze steps, and gets to a bronze door, upon which he knocks. After a few seconds, St John opens the door, looks at Hitler and says "Oh no, not you. What do you want?"
"I want to come in, please." Hitler replies.
"No" snaps John, "Piss off"
"Oh please, I'll give you an SS dagger."
John thinks for a moment and says unto Hitler, "Okay then, on you go. you won't get through the next door, but that's not my problem."

So Hitler walks up the silver steps and knocks on the silver door, which is answered by St Peter.
"Can I come in please?" Asks Hitler.
"Not a sodding chance, short-arse. Piss off" comes the reply.
"Oh, please. I'll give you a nice, chromed SS helmet."
"Alright then," agrees St Peter, "In you go. you won't get through the next door, but that's for you to deal with."

So Hitler walks up the golden steps, and knocks on the golden door, which is soon answered by Jesus Himself.
"How did you get in? What do you want?" asks JC
"I'd like to come in, please?"
"No way," says Jesus, "Read the sign: No nasty little racist men in God's domain. I'm sorry, no, Hitler. Kindly piss off."
"Oh, come on," says Hitler, undeterred, "I'll give you an Iron Cross."
"Hmmm, wait a minute, I'll ask my dad."

So Jesus goes to God, and says unto him, "Dad, can I have an Iron Cross?"
"No chance," replied the Lord, "You couldn't even carry the wooden one properly!"

Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

1. He only had one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

[QUOTE=7779675]Originally posted by Charmed_Phoebe
Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

1. He only had one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop. [/
QUOTE]

😆

This has to be the best so far......not only is it hilarious, but it is ACCURATE !!!!

I like No. 10

Originally posted by Charmed_Phoebe
Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

1. He only had one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

Why did Jesus cross the road?

To get crucified

Originally posted by Lord Urizen
Why did Jesus cross the road?

To get crucified

puke

A better answer is, too get some nails. 😄

Originally posted by Shakyamunison
puke

A better answer is, too get some nails. 😄

What do you get when you mix Wisdom with White castle?

Buddha

Originally posted by Lord Urizen
What do you get when you mix Wisdom with White castle?

Buddha

That would be the Kamasutra.

Originally posted by Shakyamunison
That would be the Kamasutra.

OH I LOVE KAMA SUTRA ! droolio

Originally posted by Lord Urizen
[b]OH I LOVE KAMA SUTRA ! droolio [/B]

BTW The Kamasutra was not written by Buddha and does not have anything to do with Buddhism. It was written much earlier.

Originally posted by Shakyamunison
puke

A better answer is, too get some nails. 😄

Originally posted by debbiejo
No no, to get "nailed".......bet he was surprised... 🙄

Ya you are right, that is better. 😂

I heard he was "hung" well........

Oh, me bad......... 😮

Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"

Q: How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four - One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb, one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of those.

Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.

Q: How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
b] A: None. If the lightbulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it would be blasphemy to attempt to change it. [/b]

Q: How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look for Salman Rushdie in the dark.

Q: How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 200!!!
100 to sit in church and pray long sonorous prayers for it to see the light again,

10 to stand on street corners and point out to others how that if they don't accept what they're being told, their light might go out as well,

3 to try and exorcise the demon of darkness out of the lightbulb,

2 to gather together in "the name of the lord" because where two or more are gathered together in "his" name.....,

10 to write to the alt.satanism newsgroup to inform them that one of their own lights is having trouble paying the electric bill (as if that'll convince us all to change our beliefs),

74 to try and convince it to publicly "admit" its sins so the lord can make it bright again, and

1 true idiot telling the lightbulb that if it really wants to be saved that all it has to do is accept some paper god and pledge it 10% of its income and at least 1 day a week of time and at least insult and generally bug 5+ people a day recounting how "I used to be a satanist" (no, really - gasp) and now I've found the light. Yes, do all of this - and the light will just, by the will of god, come back on - unless god is just "testing" the lightbulb, then it may stay dark forever.

Originally posted by lil bitchiness
Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
[b]A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"

Q: How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four - One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb, one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of those.

Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.

Q: How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
b] A: None. If the lightbulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it would be blasphemy to attempt to change it. [/b]

Q: How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look for Salman Rushdie in the dark.

Q: How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 200!!!
100 to sit in church and pray long sonorous prayers for it to see the light again,

10 to stand on street corners and point out to others how that if they don't accept what they're being told, their light might go out as well,

3 to try and exorcise the demon of darkness out of the lightbulb,

2 to gather together in "the name of the lord" because where two or more are gathered together in "his" name.....,

10 to write to the alt.satanism newsgroup to inform them that one of their own lights is having trouble paying the electric bill (as if that'll convince us all to change our beliefs),

74 to try and convince it to publicly "admit" its sins so the lord can make it bright again, and

1 true idiot telling the lightbulb that if it really wants to be saved that all it has to do is accept some paper god and pledge it 10% of its income and at least 1 day a week of time and at least insult and generally bug 5+ people a day recounting how "I used to be a satanist" (no, really - gasp) and now I've found the light. Yes, do all of this - and the light will just, by the will of god, come back on - unless god is just "testing" the lightbulb, then it may stay dark forever. [/B]

From the "Joyce and Walky" comic strip.

Originally posted by lil bitchiness
Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
[b]A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"

Q: How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four - One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb, one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of those.

Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.

Q: How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
b] A: None. If the lightbulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it would be blasphemy to attempt to change it. [/b]

Q: How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look for Salman Rushdie in the dark.

Q: How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 200!!!
100 to sit in church and pray long sonorous prayers for it to see the light again,

10 to stand on street corners and point out to others how that if they don't accept what they're being told, their light might go out as well,

3 to try and exorcise the demon of darkness out of the lightbulb,

2 to gather together in "the name of the lord" because where two or more are gathered together in "his" name.....,

10 to write to the alt.satanism newsgroup to inform them that one of their own lights is having trouble paying the electric bill (as if that'll convince us all to change our beliefs),

74 to try and convince it to publicly "admit" its sins so the lord can make it bright again, and

1 true idiot telling the lightbulb that if it really wants to be saved that all it has to do is accept some paper god and pledge it 10% of its income and at least 1 day a week of time and at least insult and generally bug 5+ people a day recounting how "I used to be a satanist" (no, really - gasp) and now I've found the light. Yes, do all of this - and the light will just, by the will of god, come back on - unless god is just "testing" the lightbulb, then it may stay dark forever. [/B]

...a Digi original...

😆