Oh, continue, hmm. Give me a minute. Okay.
The Return of the Awkward Dinner Party
(Jack is fearing what Joe will say. At this revelation, Gibbs has started choking on his quail.)
Elizabeth: Oh no you don't! Not at my dinner party! (she jumps out of her chair and does the Heimlich Maneuver on Gibbs. The chunk lands in Junior's milk cup)
Junior: When you said to polish off everything on my plate...
Will: I'll just refill your drink there, son. (goes into the kitchen. Jack follows him)
Jack: Okay, I've thought about it, and I've decided: I want you to kill Joe.
Will: Get back out there and find out if he's your brother.
Jack: You were much more compliant before you got cursed for 10 years. (does the angry kid stomp back to the table)
Elizabeth: Ah well, how to make this less awkward. Let's talk politics! I'm not in favor of illegal immigration. Anyone else?
Barbossa: In a moment, lass. We were just hearing some interesting Sparrow family tree information.
Joe: No, my dad's named Pascal. I just know your dad is all. Oh, and before she died, I had sex with your mom.
(Jack starts choking on his quail. Elizabeth rolls her eyes and saves his life. She does the angry kid stomp back to her chair and bursts into tears)
Elizabeth: Dinner parties shouldn't be about tension and plot twists, dammit! I'm the freakin' Pirate King and I say we have a pleasant dinner at home with all our friends and our son and somebody had better compliment this meal or so help me (whips out her gun), somebody and somebody's lookalike are going down!
Barbossa: Mmmm, quail.
Petunia: Mmmm, Barbossa.
Barbossa: Help me.
Junior: So, who here at the table hasn't killed anyone? (No one raises their hand) All right. I tried to help, Mummy. Daddy, can I have a brother?
(Everyone shuts up)
Jack: (trying to change the subject) To Lizzie for saving my life and to William for protecting his offspring from Mr. Gibbs' partially digested meat!
Will: (rises) All right. Well, thank you all for coming. I have a big day tomorrow starting the job hunt and Elizabeth has to get up early to start her kingly duties. We'll box up your quail and send you on your way.
Jack: I recognize that gleam in your eye...
(Elizabeth startles as if she's been nudged under the table)
Elizabeth: Oh! Oh yes. Everybody get the hell out.
Gibbs: But you promised dessert.
Elizabeth: I'll ship it to you. (gets up and makes her guests leave) Okay, Junior. Bedtime.
Junior: Do I have a double somewhere?
Elizabeth: If you do, he's probably evil.
Junior: Yikes. (cuddles his Power Ranger)
Will: Time to carry you up to bed. (Elizabeth prepares herself for him to sweep her off her feet, but instead he swoops up Junior. He returns 5 minutes later) Okay, your turn.
Jack is on his walkie talkie with Barbossa again.
Jack: Now, slowly kiss her and tell her she looks lovely tonight. (We can hear Barbossa completing the instructions over the walkie talkie, and a woman's delighted response.) Now, pull away like you are afraid of violating her honor. Tell her you think you are falling in love with her. Then, hide your face like you expect to be rejected. (Once again, we hear Barbossa doing this. The woman he is with clearly is playing right into their hands.) Now, let HER be the one to suggest you move into the bedroom. (We hear a stifled word like Barbossa has been interrupted with a kiss.)
Barbossa: (quickly) Thank ye, Jack. My careless and violent wenching days are done. (Turns off walkie talkie.)
Jack: Just doing my civic duty.
Jack wanders out and sits on a dock, we can see the Pearl tied up near by.
Jack: Guess it's just you and me, darling.
Suddenly, Will approaches.
Will: Hello, Jack.
Jack: Where's the happy family?
Will: Elizabeth took Will Junior to a party at Chuckie Cheese's. (Will mopes a little).
Jack: Mommy Elizabeth. (Giggles) Never ceases to amuse me.
Will: What's a married man supposed to do for fun when his wife is busy?
Jack: Darned if I know.
Will: What about you, Jack? Have you been with anyone since...?
Jack: Since your wife? Not really no. (Sees Will's shocked face, and laughs.) Just kidding, mate.
Will: Maybe I could try to set you up with someone...
CUT TO... Jack is nervously pacing Will and Elizabeth's family room. Will junior is sitting on the couch reading to his power ranger. Elizabeth comes rushing in.
Elizabeth: She'll be here any minute. Are you nervous?
Jack: Me? Nervous? I'm captain Jack Sparrow. Savvy?
Elizabeth: Remember, be polite and offer to pay for dinner. And whatever you do, remember to take off your hat inside the restaurant.
Jack: (swearing) I can't believe I let Will talk me into this...
Elizabeth goes and joins Will.
Elizabeth: So, who did you find to set him up with? I didn't know you had a lot of lady friends.
Will: (insulted) I do so!
Knock at the door. Everyone jumps up, but Elizabeth nods at Jack to answer. Jack adjusts himself, clears his throat, and opens the door. It's Anamaria.
Anamaria: Jack?
Jack: Anamaria?
Will: You two know each other?
Elizabeth: (groaning) Will! That's how you MET Anamaria-- through JACK!
Will: (hitting his head with his hand) Damnit! I knew this seemed too easy. How on earth did I forget that?
Anamaria walks up to Will and slaps him across the face.
Anamaria: You tricked me! You said you were setting me up with a decent, upright, respectable man!
Will: (flabbergasted) I'm sorry!
Anamaria: Well, sorry isn't going to cut it. Come on, Jack. Let's get out of here.
Anamaria and Jack link arms and march out. As they walk out, they begin chatting amiably.
Jack: So, how have you been?
Anamaria: Oh, can't complain. You?
Jack: Fairly well. (They begin making out. Will Junior watches them in shock, while Elizabeth covers his eyes with her hand and Will shuts the door.)
Will and Elizabeth are sitting, having a quiet evening at home. Will is helping Junior with his homework, while Elizabeth knits by the fire.
Will: Now, add those together and what do you get?
Junior: Fourteen pirates.
Will: Perfect!
Elizabeth watches them and smiles. Everything is peaceful.
Suddenly, they hear a shout and Barbossa bursts in the front door, slamming it behind him and breathing heavily. He is dressed up like Darth Vader.
Elizabeth: Barbossa!?
Barbossa: (trying to act casual) Oh, good evening. I didn't realize you three would be home at... (checks his watch) 8 o'clock on a Sunday evening.
Will and Elizabeth roll their eyes. Another shout is heard outside and Barbossa whips out a pistol.
Elizabeth: Barbossa, what have I told you about weapons in the house???
Will points to Junior with a look. Barbossa grins and winks.
Barbossa: Sorry. (puts pistol away) So, what are you working on, kid?
Junior: Math. (barbossa looks at the paper and his eyes go buggy. he puts it down.)
Suddenly, Jack rushes through the door and bars it behind him, also breathing heavily. He is wearing head-to-toe camo and has a mask on. When he sees Barbossa, he lets out a yelp and almost shoots him.
Jack: Oh, just you. You shouldn't scare me like that!
Will: Alright, Jack. What is going on?
Jack: Nothing. Just a little fight with the neighbors, that's all.
Barbossa: (muttering) You started it.
Jack: I did not!
Elizabeth: Wait... were YOU the ones who T-P-ed their house yesterday???
Jack: (grinning slyly) Maybe.
Junior: Mommy, I thought you said that kind of behavior was for criminals!
Elizabeth: I DID. (Jack and Barbossa take a hint. They move to leave.)
Jack: Lizzie, you wouldn't happen to have any eggs in the house, would you?
Elizabeth: (coyly) Maybe... (goes to cupboard, rumages, then suddenly whips around and throws the egg square at Jack's chest. It splatters all over him.)
Jack and Barbossa take shelter and begin pelting Will and Elizabeth with pillows from the couch. Will grabs Junior and throws him under the table, then starts launching wads of paper back at them. Elizabeth keeps throwing eggs.
In the midst of this mayhem, a loud pounding is suddenly heard at the door.
Voice: Open in the name of the Governor!
Jack: Oh no! He's here to arrest us...
Will: You TP-ed the GOVERNOR'S house??!
Barbossa: (giggling) something like that...
The pounding continues...
Jack: (begging) Don't open that! I dont want to go to jail...
Barbossa: (whining) me either!
VOICE: Open, or I'll break down the door!
Will: (wearily) We can't afford to pay bail and get them out.
Jack: Only one option left. Lizzie?
Elizabeth: (rolling her eyes) Very well. Get under the table, everyone. (they all obey, pulling the table cloth down over them. Lizzie strips down to her corset and underskirt, then moves to open the door.)
Lizzie: Can I help you?
Soldier: (much taken aback) Oh my... I'm searching for two suspicious characters. Have you seen anything strange happening around here?
Lizzie: (taking a glance around the room, which is a total disaster area covered in eggs, feathers, and papers.) Nothing at all. Everything's been absolutely quiet, officer. But I will let you know if I see a disturbance. (smiles seductively at him, the soldier blushes)
Soldier: Thank you so much.
Lizzie: Good night. (Soldier leaves and she shuts the door.)
Junior: (to Will) Jack always says it's good to have a woman around in a crisis...
Lol, wow, Kate. I can totally see Jack and Barbossa doing that. Being in full camo was a nice touch. lol. I don't know if I can top it. Well, I'll try anyway.
(Will and Elizabeth take Junior to the mall. It's a nice family outing. He's run ahead to play in the plastic tunnels)
Will: Elizabeth, do you ever get the feeling our home gets invaded by our friends sometimes?
Elizabeth: Welcome to what my life's been for the 10 years you were gone.
Will: It's not that I want to disassociate from them. I like Barbossa and Jack and I go way back and they're both so good to Junior, but they need to, um...
Elizabeth: Get lives?
Will: I was going to say get women.
Elizabeth: Will, I've tried fixing them up on numerous occasions. Barbossa is just a disgusting old man and Jack, well, he's very picky.
Will: Okay, I say we make another effort.
(Later that night.)
Barbossa: (enters the house and is greeted by the Turners) I brought some extra popcorn. I've been waiting a long time to see Waiting to Exhale.
Elizabeth: Glad you could make it. (Jack is behind. She gives him a kiss on the cheek) Jack! I was beginning to think this wasn't your kind of movie.
Jack: You promised me boobs. (sees Junior) Ah! Popcorn! This is going to be one swell movie.
Junior: You didn't tell them yet, Daddy?
Jack: Tell us what, DADDY?
Will: We're going to have some guests at movie night this week. It sort of explains why we picked a chick flick since Elizabeth and I both prefer shoot 'em ups.
(Meryl Streep and Kate Beckinsale come through the kitchen)
Meryl: You know, I was just saying to Jeremy, because I've been in a movie with Jeremy Irons, that the Turners house is nicer than any in Martha's Vineyard.
Kate: Do you have to drop names all the time? (sees Jack) Wow.
Will: Miss Streep and Miss Beckinsale [note: in this universe, both are single], I'd like you to meet Captains Hector Barbossa and Jack Sparrow.
Elizabeth: Will! How do you know them?
Will: Let's just say Meryl's a bad sailor and I made a deal with her in case we needed her in a situation like this.
Elizabeth: (pushing through Barbossa and Jack) Oh my gosh! I'm such a big fan of Underworld, Miss Beckinsale. You are a great female action star. And Miss Streep, I went to go see The Devil Wears Prada with a friend, and even though my friend thought you were the same lady from 101 Dalmatians, I knew you weren't!
Meryl: Uh, great. (to Barbossa) So, have you seen this movie?
Barbossa: Huh? Oh yeah, movie night.
(Kate is a little more ballsy and sits across Jack's lap. He seems to like it.)
Jack: I don't suppose you've been in a few fights? (hopeful that she has been)
Kate: I fight werewolves and mean vampires who cross me.
Jack: How long is this movie?
Kate: I don't know. Probably 2 hours.
Jack: Ah. Well, I can hold off. (puts arm around her)
(Will and Elizabeth snuggle on the couch. The smile at each other.)
Will: So...I'm going to turn out the lights. Nudge nudge.
Elizabeth: Will... (waits for him to look at her) Act cool, please.
lookit, lookit~~~~We're over 24 pages (posts?) and it's not even near my next B.D. Willobeth is red hot 🙄 I know, not the favored one, but definitely the picked one. And they are so precious together and since Elisabeth isn't stupid or likely to be and she's not a shrinking violet, or likely to be and Will, my beautiful, determined true bleu odie colonie, dynamic, brave Ferryman, isn't a macho meanie who expects anything less of Elisabeth than her best effort and freakin' EXISTS to love and please the exceptional Miz Elisabeth, you gotta find it in your heart to love their love.