as part of the "popular" group i guess you somewhat get influenced to make fun of the "losers". Let's start off with Ahmed, he was there before Pascal, so around the school yard he was a said "loser". Do i know why? No. So he was the loser in out class, idk how long maybe since, even, i honestly don't remember. Definitely since 5th at least , our mail it in year.
So back to Pascal Tanguay.. yes ThanGUAY, as a stupid 6rh grader we would emphasize on the GAY part.. i don't remember who else was involved but i know i followed someone's lead. Was it even part of my friend group? Like I said I don't remember.. but 1 of them had to be... I think 4 of us were called out of class. I was slapped with some sense, I couldn't tell you what this principle told me, but she knocked some sense into me where i remember crying in her office. She made me feel so bad for being the person i was being and i didn't like that
Afterwards i was sure to be sure to Pascal, but not only him Ahmed as well. I would call him few times and maybe tried 3-waying with others. i would call him even a few time he liked pokemon too. I remeber a friend asking me once why am i talking to him? Idk if I answered, but that didn't change anything, i now thought that POV was wrong. why are we singling ppl out, i don't understand, we never gave this person a chance, he's like us, like me, if victor never talked to me in 2nd grade i'd be just the outsider. But like i would hang out with him in 6th grade, i feel like io lost my "friends" that year. Victor and I had crushes on that year. Started off with Jessica and Laurence... two best friends like us, then near the end of the year.. he got interested in Laurence too
SO sec. 1. Charles and Yannick. my bros, and missed horny signs from Laura. Oh I suck. Yannick once brought me back to his place to watch porn together, like whats the point of doing this together? awkward. Failed that year, had to double up sec 1 with those 6 graders. Felt so stupid. Had so much detention, so much disattention? I think this is where parents might/should have gotten involved. I was good in elementary, i had good grades. So they took that as i didn't need any help, as if i'm "smart". They use that ****ing line til this day! Do you even ****ing know me, or tried?
my sis today is so high on mental health, like i get it, it's a thing. don't make it your identity though. the point about mental health is to overcome it, no use it as an excuse. And still nobody sees me, i recommended Aftersun, a movie that broke the shit out of me. She didn't get it. In my teens i told my mother i was depressed, after she came back from a death of her brother so i could take her response, "what do i have to be depressed about1?"
a couple months ago i broke down to my father too. I don't have the best relationship with him, not that he doesn't try. I just don't know, we don't have that click. Probably i've always felt like he wants me to be who he wants me to be. And that's what my drunken call was about. I went back to to the time he brought me to a shrink, with my parents right on the other side of the door. Like is this for me or them? Obviously for them right? He brought me to TImmies afterwards and tearfully asked what he's doing wrong. What can he do.
So yeah.. maybe two months ago i decided to have a drunbken day and call him, open up talk about that night. And told him it wasn't his fault, there was nothing he can do, (i mean not that i would know) (but he's someone who needs to be given the anser) (which i did not/do not have). But i didn tell him i was depressed, cried, i'm depressed! "What are you depressed about, i don't understand"
It's just who i am, i'm just depressed, it's just what i live with! I get sad (sidenote, i love my sadness, i told cynthia this(gf), sadness i'm comfortable with) . It's what I lived with, and it's apart of me now. I am one with sadness, joy, happiness, positivity, love.. ing myself (i don't think i can). I know the worst side of myself, and he wants to suck so bad. Wants to indulge in the darknesss .
This is me.i I am a good person though, icould be, am i pretending. Idk, is it a front Idk. Do i like doing things for others? Yes. My Family? Hmm. Have they reciprocated my efforts? Are we even? Who's counting? I shouldn't. good ppl don't keep track. They just do without question