So i heard this joke..,.

One day a man is driving a truckload of penguins to the zoo. About a mile away his truck breaks down. He gets out and pokes his head under the hood. While looking, a stranger walks up and asks him, "Hey buddy, is there anything I can help you with?"
"Um, yeah. Matter of fact you can. I'll give you $100 if you take these penguins to the zoo for me."
The stranger agrees, they unload the penguins and he walks off with the line of penguins waddling behind him.
A few hours go by and the truck driver is still under the hood of his truck when he looks up and sees to his surprise the stranger walking back down the road toward him with the penguins still following. He reaches the truck and the driver, bewildered, asks him, "Hey buddy, I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo?"
The man replies, "I did. We had such a great time, now we're going to the movies!"

How do you keep a blonde busy for 7 hours?

Give her m&ms and tell her to put them in alphabetical order

^^^Thats a new one!

What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig?
Pulled-Pork.

What's a polar bears favorite sandwich?

A brrrrrger.

What do polar bears order from Taco Bell?

Brrrrrritoes.

What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.

Two guys walked into a bar in North Dakota. One says to the bartender, "Give us two drinks of your best stuff. We just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took us four months."

A guy sitting at the bar is surprised. "Four months! It shouldn't take two guys four months to do a jigsaw puzzle."

One of the men is indignant. "It says right on the box 'three to seven years'"

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched.

He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."

The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...

"SUPPLIES!!"

^^^😆 mfao!!!

What do you call a Chinese Billionaire?
Cha Ching.

What does someone with a thick Spanish accent and very small hands use to cut pizza?

Little Caesars.

A penguin is out for a drive when his car starts running rough. He pulls into a repair shop and the mechanic tells him he will find the problem, check back in about half an hour.

The penguin heads across the street where he has seen an ice cream parlor. It's a hot day and he loves ice cream, so he gets the biggest vanilla cone. By the time he's done eating, he's kind of messy, but now it's time to go back to check on his car.

As he walks into the garage, the mechanic tells him, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

The penguin replies, "No, it's just ice cream."

I havent heard that since i was a kid! 😆

At what time does a duck wake up?
At the quack of dawn.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you have a mile head start. And you have their shoes.

I find television very educating.
Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book!

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and it blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our nuts...no point in you coming in for that."

My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.
You shouldve seen the look on her face as i drove pasta!

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said "lot's of other doctors have sex with their patients so it's not like you're the first..."

This made the doctor feel a little better until still another voice in his head said, "..... but they probably weren't veterinarians."

An elderly lady takes her rather limp pet duck to her vet. The vet takes a quick look at it and tells her "Sorry but your duck is dead!". The lady replies "How can you tell. You've hardly looked at it! The duck may be in a coma. I want a proper examination".

The vet leaves the examination room and returns with a black labrador. The dog places his front paws on the examination table, sniffs the prostrate duck, turns to look at the vet and with doleful eyes sadly shakes his head. The dog then leaves the room. A cat runs in and jumps upon the table and after sniffing the duck for a while turns to the vet and lets out a pitiful meow before leaving the room.

The vet then says to the elderly lady "Sorry but your duck is 100% dead." He then turns towards his computer and prepares his bill which he passes to the woman. The lady takes one look at the bill and exclaims "£120 just for telling me that my duck's dead!". The vet replies "Well if you'd have taken my diagnosis then it would have been £20 but since you didn't ... the rest is for the lab report and the cat scan".

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

Denny's used to have a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

While golfing, a handsome senior gentleman accidentally over turned his golf cart late one afternoon.
A very attractive, 40 ish, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?"

"I'm OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you with the cart later."

The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now!" she insisted. She was so pretty and very, very persuasive. He was weak. "Well, OK," he finally agreed.

After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open.

"Stay for a while. Your wife won't know anything...By the way, where is she?"

He replied, "Still under the cart, I guess"?

Guy slices his ball into the flowers. As he's getting ready to swing he hears, "Don't hurt the buttercups." Looks around and doesn't see anybody so he gets ready to swing again. And again he hears, "DON'T hurt the buttercups!!"
"All right, who is this and where are you at?"
"This is God. If you don't hurt the buttercups I'll provide you a lifetime supply of butter."
"Oh great. Where were you last week when I hooked my ball into the pussywillows?"