(JHawk111420) Hey whats up, a/s/l?
(Lady Renegade) more than you want, I'm sure 🙂
(JHawk111420) ill take that as a challenge ;-)
(Lady Renegade) take it any way you want sweetie
(JHawk111420) k, how old are ya?
(Lady Renegade) probably too old for you, but let's pretend I'm 20 😉
(JHawk111420) k, what do ya look like?
(Lady Renegade) before or after I'm dressed up?
(JHawk111420) both :-D
(Lady Renegade) well......after I'm dressed up, I have long sexy red hair, nails painted red to match the slinky dress I have on, stiletto heels, pouty lips, green eyes, boobs out to here, and a smile that stops
traffic
(JHawk111420) and before your dressed up?
(Lady Renegade) before I'm dressed up, I'm bald and wearing boxers...sometimes my weenie is peeking out
(Lady Renegade) hello?
(Lady Renegade) hello?
(Lady Renegade) hello ....
this one made me laugh:
A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma
...Well, you've probably seen this, but I'll post it any way:
The Perfect Worker
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered
lines. (In other words, read1-3-5-7-9-11-13)
Proverbs:
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Blonde Joke
She was a blonde
-she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
-she thought a quarterback was a refund
-she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
-she thought meow mix was a record for cats
-under "education" on her job application,she put "Hooked On Phonics"
-she tried to drown a fish
-she tripped over a cordless phone
-she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said 'concentrate'
-she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
-she got stabbed in a shoot out
-she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
-If you gave her a penny for intelligence you'd get a refund
-they had to burn down the school to get her out of 3rd grade
-she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
-at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius"
-if she spoke her mind,she'd be speechless
-she studied for a blood test and failed
-when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home she moved
-when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "AIRPORT LEFT" she turned around and went home
-did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months to figure out she could use it at night
-
******************************************************************
More Blonde Jokes
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!
Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
They're too hard to retrain.
What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle?
A dope ring.
Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.
What's the definition of eternity?
4 blondes at a 4-way stop
What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean?
An air pocket.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
"This goes in front"
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The 1st blonde said,"These look like deer tracks,"and the other one said , " No,they look like moose tracks". They argued until the train hit them.
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door to their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door opened,but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped to catch her breath,and her friend said anxiously,"Hurry up! Its starting to rain and the top's down!
Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture!
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:
YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!
A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."
She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.
Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"
Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.
Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."
"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"
Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.
"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.
"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.
"Yes."
"Do farts have lumps?"
"No. Why do you ask."
"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."
redneck computer lingo
Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.
"A teacher says to her pupil 'we are going to study spiders to see what we can find out about them'.
One child says to the spider 'walk forward.'
The spider walked forward.
'walk left then right'.
The spider did this.
The child then pulled the spiders legs off and told the spider to walk forwards.It didnt respond.
The teacher asks the child what he found out.The child says "miss, if you pull the spiders legs off, it becomes deaf." "
Paddy englishman paddy irishman and paddy scotsman are running from some soldiers. They go into a field with three bags in it. they hide in the bags. The soldiers come into the field and kick each bag to check if there is anyone in them.They kicked the first bag with paddy englishman in it and he said,
"Meow!" so they thought it was a cat.
They kicked the 2nd with paddy scotsman in it and he said,
"Woof!" So they thought there was a dog in it.
They kicked the third bag with paddy irishman in it and he said,
"POTATOES!!!!!!!!"
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her, "Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"
The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
B: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
P: "Uh ... How's that working?"
B. "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
P. "And why do you think that is?"
B. "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."