Joke Time [Merged]

this is horrible and crude but listen lol 😄

a woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. with superhuman strength borne of fury she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice. she then secured it tightly and removed the handle. next she picked up a hacksaw

the husband terrified screamed "stop stop!!! youre not going to cut it off are you!?"

the wife with a gleam of revenge in her eye said "nope. you are. im going to set the garage on fire"

😆

harsh! 😆

lol man that's harsh.

how did helen keller's parents punish her?

by rearanging the living room furniture

heres one thats funny n sick

there were 4 ducks that got arrested while messing around at the pond, the judge orders the ducks to come in one at a time to speak their piece

the 1st duck comes in and the judge asks "wats ur name son?" the dug replies "duck"..."wat r u in for?" the judge asks. the duck says "well i was sitting at the pond blowing bubbles and the cop came by and arrested me" then the judge says "ok send in the next duck"

the next duck came in and his name was "duck duck" and he told the exact same story as the 1st duck

after his examination the judged asked for the 3rd duck to be sent in. the 3rd ducks name was "duck duck duck" and he told the same story as the first two

finally the judge sent for the fourth duck. as he came in the judge said "lemme guess, ur name is duck duck duck duck right?" the duck replies "no sir my name is bubbles"

Niiiiice 😂

ok this ones kind of long too but i love this one it made lots of my friends laugh their *ss off (dunno if u can say it lol)

3 guys died when they got to heaven st. peter met them and said "i know that u guys are forgiven because ur here. before i let u into heaven i have to ask you something. your answer will depend on what kind of care you get. you have to have a car in heaven because heaven is soooo big!!"

the first guy walks up and peter asks the guy "how long were you married?" the first guy says "24 years" peter asks "did u ever cheat on ur wife?" he replies "yea 7 times but u said i was forgiven" peter then says "yea but tahts not 2 good heres a pinto to drive"

the second guy walks up and gets the same question from peter and says "i was married for 41 years an cheated on her once but that was our first year so we really worked it out" peter says "im pleased to hear that heres ur lincoln"

the third guy walks up and said "i know what ur gonna ask i was married for 63 years and didnt even look at another woman! i treated my wife like a queen!" peter says "thats what i like to hear, heres a jaguar!"

a little while later the 2 guys with the lincoln and the pinto saw the guy with the jagaur crying on the golden sidewalk so they went to see what was the matter

when they asked the guy with the jaguar wat was wrong he said "i just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"

this is kinda long so stay awake.

bill gates goes out to a celeb party he runs into hugh grant they chat for a bit and gates ask's hugh abought the prostitute he was caught with. hugh grant says well ever since the whole bust she raised her prices. gate's chuckles and says money's no object. he calls the girl they go out go home and have sex. gates says for that price for sex it was a waste. prostitute turns around and says yeah no wonder they call your company MICROSOFT

😂!!!

lmao thats a good one

why did the gay guy get fired from his job at the sperm bank?

cause he was caught drinking on the job

another long one...just get used to all mine being long 😆 its called free meat

it was many years ago since the embarrasing day when a young woman with a baby in her arms entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it.

finally he offered to provide her with free meat until he the boy was 16, she agreed

he had been counting the years off on his calender and one day the teen who had been collecting the meat each week came into the shop and said "ill be 16 tomarrow!"

"i know" said the butcher with a smile "ive been counting too, tell ur mother when u take this parcel of meat home that its the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face"

when the boy arrived home he told his mother. the woman nodded and said "son go back to the butcher and tell him i have also had free bread free milk and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

rotflmfao

whats a blondes fave nursery rhyme?

hump me dump me

lmao

what do you get when you put 50 blondes in a freezer?

frosted flakes

a man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years

as he runs away he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

he orders the guy out of bed and ties him in a chair. while lying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her on the neck, then he gets up and goes to the bathroom

while hes in there the husband tells his wife "listen this guy is an escaped prisoner look at his clothes! he probably spent lots of time in jail and hasnt seen a woman in years. i saw how he kissed ur neck and if he wants sex dont resist, dont complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. this guy must be dangerous and if he gets angry he'll kill us. be strong honey, i love you!"

to which the wife responds "he was not kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. he told me he was gay and thought u were cute, and asked if we kept any vaseline in the bathroom. be strong honey i love you too!"

lol man now i have a horrid vision in my head

lol