Joke Time [Merged]

a brunette, a read head, and a blonde were having a very interesting conversation and it got around to their daughters.

the brunette said "i went in my daughters room the other day and found a pack of cigarettes in her dresser, i didnt even know she smoked!"

the red head said "i went in my daughters room the other day and found a half empty bottle of vodka in her dresser! i didnt even know she drank!"

then the blonde burst out and said "i went in my daughters room and found a pack of condoms in her dresser half empty! i didnt even know she had a penis!"

LMFAO.

what's the anthem of cuba?

row row row your boat

years ago while lying inna hammock and drinkin JD from the bottle, i noced my dog draggin somethin under the fence. upon inspection to my dismay i realized it was the next door neighbors 10 yr old daughters rabbit.

for years i had watched her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the yard. i knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog i had to think fast.

the rabbit was quite dirty as if it had put up quite a struggle, so i washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. upon finishing its grooming i jumped the fence and replaced back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes".

back to the hammock and JD. within the hour the neighbors Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the lil girl and as usual she headed straight for the gae. Only this time she stopped about 6 feet away and screamed "DDDDDAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!"

her father panic stricken stood lookin at the gae, being the good neighbor i am i rushed to the fence and asked if there was anything i could do.

her father less than calmly blurted "what kind of sick individual would dig up a lil girls dead rabbit andput it back in its cage!?!?"

why are black people so good at playing basketball?

cause all they do is steal run and shoot

lol hey i gotta go to bed its 3 am here...ill be on some time again tomarrow see ya and nice jokes 👆

yeah im out to bro my lady needs a little midnight activity if ya know what i mean

lol nice...nice...k bye and goodnight 😉 lol

<---awake for a while hehehe

ok this guy one day ends up going to work with a black eye. his co-workers go and ask him "what happen to you!?" he says "i was beat up at church" well they others didnt believe him so he told them "ok listen i was on my knees praying with my eyes shut, then when i was done i stood up and the fattest woman i've ever seen was standing in front of me with her dress tucked in her butt crack so being the gentleman i am i pulled it out for her then she turned around and gave me a big punch!"

the others all started laughing and bugging him about it all day at work. well the day ended. the next day at work he came in all beaten up looking like ****. the co-workers asked him what happen this time. he said he got beat up at church. once again no one believed him. so he had to prove it again so he says "i was on my knees praying with my eyes shut, then when i was done i stood up and the same fat woman is in front of me with her dress tucked in her crack again." then one of the co-workers said "dont tell us you pulled it out again!" and he replies "no the guy next to me did and i knew she didnt like that so i put it back in"

hysterical

Here's one from me (sorry about it being long):

Three guys die and go to heaven. But before they can go in Peter stops them and says, "Sorry guys Heavens getting full. So we are only admitting those whom have died the worst death." So, he pulls over the guy who seemed to have been crying before he died, and asks , "so what's your story?" And the guy replies,

"Well you see Peter, I have always thought my wife was cheating on me. So one day I got permission to leave home from work early, and took the opportunity to see if my wife was cheating. To my dismay I found her bathing, and with a sigh of relief I begin to walk out of the apartment. When all of a sudden I look out to my balcony and see the S.O.B. trying to get in my house. So infuriated I storm over and begin to stomp and prance on his fingers. But he held on for dear life. I race into my house and get a jack hammer, and bash his hands into a pulp. he falls three stories into some bushes, and out of rage I take the refrigerator and toss it over the edge. I felt horrible for what I did, and shot my self in the living room." And with that the man begins to sob uncontrollably. Peter comforts him, and calls in the next guy. This was his story.

"Well you see Peter, it was my day off and I decided to spend it reading on my balcony. Well while sitting on the hand support, I lose my balance and fall two stories before grabbing onto some one else's. I finally collect myself enough to begin to pull myself up when this mad man come running out of his house and starts stomping on my hands. But I hold on to dear life. He races inside, and comes back with a jack hammer. After bashing my hands to a pulp, I fall to by impending doom. But luckily I fell on some bushes. The last thing I saw was a refrigerator." And with that the man begins to cry uncontrollably. Peter counsels the second man and calls in for the third. He notices the man casually walks in and is naked. St. Peter asks, "Well what's your story."

And the man responds, "Picture this St. Peter, you crunched, naked in a refrigerator."

thats a nice one dude lol.... heres some racist jokes i heard at school BUT IM NOT RACIST OK! lol i have many mexican and black friends 😛

Q: why do black people hate chainsaws?
A: because it makes the sound of "RUN NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA"

Q: how do you get a parade started in mexico?
A: roll a penny down the street

Q: who's the richest mexican in mexico?
A: the one who gets the penny

Q: what do you say when your sitting in the dark watching tv and ur tv starts moving
A: hold it still nigga

how do you starve a black person? you stick the welfare checks in his work boots.

why are asprins white? because they work.

why were the jews stranded in the desert for 40 years? cause someone lost a quarter.

lmao good ones 😄 i cant think of one right now so ill send one later

Originally posted by PrinceofBlades
hysterical

Here's one from me (sorry about it being long):

Three guys die and go to heaven. But before they can go in Peter stops them and says, "Sorry guys Heavens getting full. So we are only admitting those whom have died the worst death." So, he pulls over the guy who seemed to have been crying before he died, and asks , "so what's your story?" And the guy replies,

"Well you see Peter, I have always thought my wife was cheating on me. So one day I got permission to leave home from work early, and took the opportunity to see if my wife was cheating. To my dismay I found her bathing, and with a sigh of relief I begin to walk out of the apartment. When all of a sudden I look out to my balcony and see the S.O.B. trying to get in my house. So infuriated I storm over and begin to stomp and prance on his fingers. But he held on for dear life. I race into my house and get a jack hammer, and bash his hands into a pulp. he falls three stories into some bushes, and out of rage I take the refrigerator and toss it over the edge. I felt horrible for what I did, and shot my self in the living room." And with that the man begins to sob uncontrollably. Peter comforts him, and calls in the next guy. This was his story.

"Well you see Peter, it was my day off and I decided to spend it reading on my balcony. Well while sitting on the hand support, I lose my balance and fall two stories before grabbing onto some one else's. I finally collect myself enough to begin to pull myself up when this mad man come running out of his house and starts stomping on my hands. But I hold on to dear life. He races inside, and comes back with a jack hammer. After bashing my hands to a pulp, I fall to by impending doom. But luckily I fell on some bushes. The last thing I saw was a refrigerator." And with that the man begins to cry uncontrollably. Peter counsels the second man and calls in for the third. He notices the man casually walks in and is naked. St. Peter asks, "Well what's your story."

And the man responds, "Picture this St. Peter, you crunched, naked in a refrigerator."

Darn.. i was gonna post that one.. Ill post a few.

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."
Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.
"What's wrong?"
"I just saw my wife."
"So?"
"She was riding a skateboard."
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Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"

Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think"

Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"

Teacher: "Sure."

Little Johnny: "There are three women at the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."

Little Johnny; "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."
---------------------------
One Day a teacher is teacher a new word. The world is dictate.
"Okay now." said the teacher. "Little Susie, why dont you try spelling dictate?"
"D-I-C-T-A-T-E."
"Good job. Now little Johnny, use it in a sentence."
Little Johnny thinks for a little bit and then says "Hey Susie, how's my dictate!"

Here's another:

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

lol.

what type of job will a blonde get after 6 years of college?

welcome to mcdonalds would you like to try the combo meal?

Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses." "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, he left. As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"

what do you call a black kid on a bike?

thief!

ok once there was a magical mirror and if you lied in front of it youd disappear from existance... so there was a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette went up to it and said,"I think that blondes are nice".... poof she disappeared. So the redhead went up to it and said,"I'm a virgin" poof she dissappeared. The blonde went up to it and said,"I Think" poof she was gone.
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Q: How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?? A: When her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
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What is the difference between and ironboard and a blond? - The legs of an iron are hard to open.
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there was a blond driving down a road and spotted at the sign that is on a tree next to a mantion that said $100,000. she called the number and said "i want this item and i will send the money as soon as i get home. three weeks later she got a packege in the mail that had keys so she caled the guy and asked "what are the keys for" the guy said " they are for the mantion. the blond said "Wow, i thought that i was buying the tree.

why does monica lewinsky the first person to work and the last person to leave the office?

cause she's trying to get A-HEAD

hehe, I think I'm out...