Originally posted by rodeoangel
ok.................One day Sue...(a blond) walked outside and she was crying. SO her friend said why are you crying? and she said My mother died. So she drank tea with her friend. Then the next day the Sue was crying even harder. And her friend said...are u stil sad about you mom? and she said...no...I...called....my....brother...and...his...mother...died...too... lol.
Originally posted by rodeoangel
ok.................One day Sue...(a blond) walked outside and she was crying. SO her friend said why are you crying? and she said My mother died. So she drank tea with her friend. Then the next day the Sue was crying even harder. And her friend said...are u stil sad about you mom? and she said...no...I...called....my....brother...and...his...mother...died...too... lol.
Love it.
a man hears a knock at the front door ...he goes to open it ...looks out ...and sees no one is there so he closes the door and goes back in.
right before he sits down again , there knock at the door,he goes to pen the door...looks around, nonoe is there. he looks down and sees a snail....wondering what the snail doing there , picks it up and throws it across the road ..
25 years later , a man hears a knock at the front door .(same guy as before, didn't move)..he goes to open it ...looks out ...and sees no one is there, he looks down and sees a snail ...
the snail says ...
What the hell was that all about ?
This women was having twins when the first one came out the doctor asked what to name it she said sh*t The second one came out and doctor asked what to name it she replaid motherfu/cker.The first day of high school the teacher asked the first childs name he said sh*t the teacher asked him one more time he replaid sh*t.She said he was going to the principal for punishment so he turned to his brother and said come on motherfu/cker she ant gonna belive you either.
There were 4 nuns and they asked there Priest if they can have a weekend off work on Friday so the Priest said "yes." So the weekend went by and they all had done a Sin!!! The Priest asked the 1st Nun wat sin she had done, so the Nun answered "Well i had a try smoking" so the Priest looked up for 20 seconds and said "god forgives u, go and drink the holy water." and she did, the 4th Nun began to smile. He asks the 2nd nun wat she had done and she answered "I went out with a man." so the Priest looked up for about 50 seconds and said "God forgives u, go and drink the holy water." so she did and the 4th nun began to laugh. The Priest asked the 3rd Nun wat she had done, and she answered " I had sex with a man." so the Priest looked up for 2minutes and said "god forgives u, go and drink the Holy water." The 4th nun fell down laughing so the Priest asked "why u laughing so much wat sin did u do." She said "I pissed in the Holy Water."!!!
😂
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, 'What about extreme sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student shakes her head, and sweetly says: 'Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with.'
A hunter and his wife lived in the forest as hermits. The guy had a gun with three bullets left. They were hungry, so the guy goes out with his gun and last three bullets to find some game.
He sees a rabbit. The guy cocks the hammer and takes a shot but misses. The rabbit runs away. Then a turkey comes along. He takes another shot but misses.
He only has one bullet left when he sees a deer. Aiming for the deer, he is about to squeeze the trigger when a voice sounds in his head:
"Aim just a bit high and to the left."
Confused, the guy ponders and then a viper comes along and wraps around the guy's leg. Naturally, he raised the gun to shoot the viper.
The voice sounds again.
"No. Aim just a bit high and to the left."
The hunter shakes his head, but obeys and aims for the deer. Before he squeezes the trigger, he aims just a bit high and to the left, and shoots.
By now, the turkey is on a ledge to the left and a bit high of the deer. The pellet hits its beak, knocks it out cold, and the pellet lodges in the deer's heart and kills it. Then the barrel stock falls off and crushes the viiper's skull.
Exhilarated, the hunter grabs all three corpses and starts dragging them off. Then, as an afterthought, he says,
"Thank you, heavenly father."
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most?
What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.
He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
The Wishing Well
A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny.
His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.
The guy says, "Wow, it really works."
Barbie and Britney
Q: What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common?
A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic
A Small Problem
A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''
Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''
''How!?!?!?'' she asks.
''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''
''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.
''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.
''How did you know that?'' she wonders.
''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?'''
Yo' mama so ugly, her imaginary friend played with other kids!
Sell Your Ugly Body
You're so ugly you could sell your body to science fiction movies
Two sausages were frying in a frying pan. One says to the other, "Damn, it's hot in here"
The other said, "Oh my God! A talking sausage!"
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked making toys, and were threatening to go on strike. The reindeer had been drinking eggnog all afternoon. To make matters worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are walking out, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angel said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass...
2 guys are building a house. guy # 1 notices his buddy will take out every other nail or so, look at it and toss it over his shoulder. guy #1 says,whats the matter with those nails you are throwin away? guy #2 says, they are no good, the heads on the wrong end. guy #1 starts laughing and says, you stupid sob. those are for the OTHER side of the house.