I can pass a few tips for being successful for would-be-farters-in-public.
1) Drink 2X 2ltr bottles of Strongbow cider on a half empty stomach.
2) The next day, a meal consisting primarily of brussel sprouts, baked
beans and fizzy drinks and or Stella Artois lager gulped at pace.
3) A couple of hours later, do 10-20 sit ups, which will blend and
compress the neccesary gases within.
4) You should now make your way to your designated strike zone.
Now your options for distribution of payload may vary with your
age. For our younger students of the art, they might pick a school
assembly, college refrectory or gym. The older practioners may find
a windowless envioronment such as a lift or the way into work or in
the office or warehouse environment. But the emphasis goes a type
of room with as little ventilation as possible. (My earlier anecdote took
place in a windowless room of 25X35ft approx). Churches and libaries
should be avoided en route, unless they are your target as we all
know the abject futility of try to not unleash early in either situation.
For reasons both of maximum effectiveness AND for cover from
blame in socially sensitive situations, you should first nestle yourself
in amongst a group (Larger the better).
5)The delivery of your pride and joy.. Now some find it impossible not
to laugh with much sadistic joy when noticing the appalled looks on
the faces of all and sundry who have fallen victim to their hideous
concoctions of rancid bumcakery, and who could blame them?
But in situations where for some reason or another, you wish to
remain anonymous (For some farters, its just their style) then I
would recommend two courses of action.
6:"Getting away with it." Now the first option includes the policy of
flagerant denial. This will require a fair bit of practice to work
yourself up to the level of denying this with an utterly straight
face. The second is a fair bit more cheeky and uses a tactic of
turning over your left shoulder and directly accusing the
extremely unfortunate persons directly behind you with a glaring
look of disgust. Both tactics work well and have been successfully
employed by people who claim they 'never fart in public' all their
lives and for hundreds of years by people from all walks.
Hope this helps 😉 Next week: Advice of farting in Ques, first dates
and the wedding aisle.....