Things SW characters will NEVER say...

INT. BAY

CHRISTOPHER prepares to leave, but CERTAINLY NOT TO VISIT
IAN MCDIARMID. CHRISTOPHER LEE shoots lightning at EWAN, who
absorbs it into his lightsaber.

CHRISTOPHER LEE
You can absorb force lightning?

EWAN MCGREGOR
Oh, yeah, of course. I really ought
to tell Luke that at some point,
shouldn't I? I bet that would be
helpful.

CHRISTOPHER LEE
God. Whatever.

He beats down HAYDEN and EWAN after a surprisingly tame
lightsaber duel. YODA walks in. They levitate stuff and use
lightning.

CHRISTOPHER LEE (CONT'D)
It's obvious this contest cannot be
decided by our knowledge of the
force, but by our ability to spit
out our own horrible lines.

YODA
Yoda I am. Look badass while acting
goofy I can.

They FIGHT.

AUDIENCE
YODA IS FIGHTING! THIS IS AWESOME!
(pause)
Wait, this looks ****ing stupid. Why
am I tolerating this assault on my
childhood?

CHRISTOPHER LEE
It's obvious this contest cannot be
decided by our skills with a
lightsaber either, but rather by..
Um.. how many character names you
have. Let's see, I have two or
three.

YODA
I only have one. Go you may.

CHRISTOPHER LEE escapes. EWAN rises.

EWAN MCGREGOR
I had this horrible dream. I was an
actor, and my job consisted of
prancing about on blue sets and
talking to sticks with pictures of
faces taped to them. It was
horrible. Who would do such a thing
to the world of cinema?

YODA
It's all over now. Back in three
dimensional, somewhat textured world
you are.

NATALIE runs in.

NATALIE PORTMAN
Hayden! I'm completely in love with
you, despite never being given a
single god damned reason for it to
be so. Let's get married!

IAN MCDIARMID
Yes, yes! Get married! Have
children who will one day turn my
Sith apprentice against me and lead
to my demise! Everything is going
according to my design!

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Stay tuned for the next
installment: It Came From the Dark
Side!

END

starwars that was brilliant I can't wait until revenge of the sith that is much better darth l dipsit than the star warped book they brought out which l shadow z was reading.

Sidious-Execute order 66!

Clone trooper-dum dudum da dum da dum, cant touch...

Ma ma my music hits me, so hard, makes me say, o my lord, thank, for blessing me with a mind to rap and two hyped feet.........

Stop, trooper time!

Originally posted by kanis
starwars that was brilliant I can't wait until revenge of the sith that is much better darth l dipsit than the star warped book they brought out which l shadow z was reading.

Revenge of the Sith is actually on previous page (messed-up order).

Peace be with you, friend.

Lol. Nice Dipsit, and the first time I've seen you use even censored swear words.

Originally posted by Darth L. Dipsit
Pieces positive extradition of original screenwriting:

FADE IN:

EXT. A VERY FOGGY CORUSCANT

A glimmering ship cuts through the fog, eventually landing,
followed closely by two smaller Nubian transports.

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Look! We figured out how to do fog!

JAY LAGA'AIA emerges from one of the smaller ships, as does
THE REAL SENATOR NATALIE PORTMAN

JAY LAGA'AIA
Looks like there was no danger at
all. I suppose your decoy can get
off the ship now.

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS (CONT'D)
Decoy? Was I planning on still
screwing around with that horrible
bullshit?

Suddenly, the ship explodes, killing crew members and
NATALIE'S DECOY! Every single element of all shots now
appear to be computer-generated.

NATALIE PORTMAN
Decoy! No!

NATALIE'S DECOY
I'm sorry, I've failed you.

NATALIE PORTMAN
How? You were my decoy. This was
your job - in fact, this was your
ONLY job. Frankly, I'm not sure why
I'm so upset, why else did I think I
was hiring you?

NATALIE'S DECOY
(dies)

NATALIE PORTMAN
Wait, since you're my decoy,
shouldn't you at least look like me?
And not be Mexican?

JAY LAGA'AIA
We have to go to another obviously
computer-generated location and
interact with computer-generated
characters. Hurry, before the movie
gets boring.

NATALIE PORTMAN
Look, I really appreciate your
concern, but this is the second
movie where you've been up my butt.

JAY LAGA'AIA
No no, that was the other black
security guy. I have an eye patch.
See?

NATALIE PORTMAN
So, what, do I find all of the
black people in the galaxy and make
them my security guards?

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

NATALIE PORTMAN enters a room full of JEDI COUNCIL MEMBERS
and the aging SENATOR IAN MCDIARMID.

Cut off

YAY!

Sorry - here's a disclaimer - I have no intention to make anyone think I'm a pottymouth. I have once before given a disclaimer about these on a whole different topic.

SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON

you don't like him do you?

starwars what's not to like about him

I dunno... but Darth L. must hate him...

No, no! I respect him a great deal! In no way at all did I mean to genuinely offend him. In his movies, though, he swears very much, and so he is on the receiving end of such jibes (Chapelle's Show, for instance). I do not hate anyone, I'm pretty sure. I just thought that was funny. I am TRULY and wholly sorry if I seemed like a hotheaded jerk.

No, just figured that you did. I just misinterpreted

I always thought Jar Jar was modeled after a Jamaican..

I mean look at the way he walks, dresses, has sort of a dread lock hair thingy... always talks as if he is high....

Battle of Hoth Produced by and Starring Mel Scrotum

(Rebel troops watch AT-AT's approaching and become apprehensive)

Troops: Right, I'm not dieing for these Stunted Jedi bastards! C'mon boys!

(All start walking away, Leia runs out)

Leia: My friends stop! Wait until I've grown a penis!

(Luke rides out in front of them)

Sargeant: It's Luke Skywalker!
Troop: Can't be, not long enough.

Luke: Sons of Sperm! Why do you run?
Troop: We didn't come here to shrink for them!
Sargeant: The Empire is too big!

Luke: What will you do instead?
Troop: We will run, and we will f*ck.

Luke: Aye, fight and it may shrink. Run, and you'll f*ck. At least a while.
And when you're screwing, many years from now, won't you regret that day, and every day from here till then?

Luke: Wouldn't you give anything, for one chance, just one chance to come back here...and tell the Empire that they may shrink our dicks, but they'll never take our VIAGRA!

Rebels: YAAAHHH!!

Luke: I wear no BRA!

TPM
-The door opens and appears Darth Maul. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan set forward to deal with him-
Qui-Gon: We'll handle this.
-They prepare for battle-
Maul: Stop it. I didn't come here to fight like you know. I just wanted to know like if Obi-Wan was doing anything like Friday?
Obi-Wan: Master?
Qui-Gon: Turn to the darkside.
-Obi-Wan kills Maul-
Obi-Wan: I guess the darkside does have some good sides to it.
Qui-Gon: Let's go ho...
-Obi-Wan kills Qui-Gon-
Obi-Wan: Hmm...my lightsaber was still on. Um...Maul killed Qui-Gon in a huge battle.
Anakin: No he didn't!
Obi-Wan: Wanna be a Jedi?
Anakin: YEAH!
Obi-Wan: Then shut up.

Luke: OH, WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA!
Han, leia, and lando: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!
Chewie: BAAAAAH

Let's see what kinda response I get from that! 🙂

ANH - beginning. Star Destroyer attacks ship:

C-3PO: "Holy mother of sh1t ! We all gonna f*ckin' die ! (To R2-D2) And if we all gonna die it's just fair to let you know...I took a piss in your oil bath."
R2-D2: Beep bop bop bop beep f*ck you !

ANH - Leia captured

Leia: "Darth Vader. I should have known it was you."
Vader: "Yes. It's me. Darth Vader. I strike fear into the hearts of all who oppose me. The only thing that could make me less frightening would be if somebody would have made three movies about my childhood pointing out how much of a retared, non-threatening whiner I used to be."

ANH - Ben's place
Ben finding the lightsaber.
Ben:"Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough. I would have kept it for myself if I hadn't accidentally found it just in front of you. It's a lightsaber. The weapon of a Jedi. I took it off your father's cold, dead corpse after I stopped giggling."
Luke: "You knew my father ?"
Ben: "Knew him ? I'm the one who killed him ! Not for any big reason I was just really bored."

ANH - Millenium Falcon
After the destruction of Alderaan
Ben: "It's like millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror. And then were blown the f*ck right on up away by a giant laser beam !"

😂

A NEW HOPE

FADE IN:

INT. A STARSHIP

CARRIE FISHER
I'm the princess. I am obviously not
wearing a bra. We are being abducted
by the evil empire, which is evil in
that the main bad guy is dressed all
in black.

DARTH VADER
That'd be me. Breaking into your
starship and killing your guards is
wizard. Yipee.

R2D2 and C3PO travel to another planet.

IMPERIAL GUARD
There are no life forms, leave it
alone. I'm quite a moron, aren't I?

CARRIE FISHER
Now I will shoot exactly one
stormtrooper.

STORMTROOPER
There she is. Set for stun. She'll
be alright. Who the hell am I saying
this to, don't my colleagues know
she'll be alright?

DARTH VADER
Give me the plans to our DEATH
STAR, which is always written in
capital letters and is actually
quite a stupid name if you stop to
think about it.

CARRIE FISHER
Why do you need them? Didn't you
finish building it? Ha ha!

DARTH VADER
That's not funny. Remember hun,
Daddy doesn't like it when you make
fun of him. Oops, I mean..er..uh..

CARRIE FISHER
Besides, why do you assume we only
have one copy? If they were 'beamed'
aboard here, couldn't we just as
easily beam them elsewhere or make
copies and send them all over the
place?

DARTH VADER
Take her away!

EXT. DESERT

C3PO and R2D2 have a really boring conversation in the
desert that slows the pace of the movie down to a crawl and
makes it almost intolerable.

R2D2
Blip blip.

C3PO
What? I don't know what you're
talking about! I'm not gay, just
randomly British! Very very very
British..

R2D2
Blip!

C3PO
Don't call me that!

They are both captured and brought to MARK HAMILL and his
UNCLE.

UNCLE
Mark, come help me pick up some
droids.

MARK HAMILL
(whining really hard)
Awwww shucks, Unc. I was in the
middle of Super Mario Brothers.
Jeepers.

UNCLE
But picking out droids is when I
need you the most.

MARK HAMILL
(to jawas)
Uh.. we need someone that can decode
moisture something-or others.

C3PO
Mmm, moisture. I am quite capable of
that.

MARK HAMILL
..right. Uncle, this one'll do. And
let's also get that other one.

UNCLE
Wow, it's a good thing you two
droids both happened to meet up
again. And it's pretty lucky that
other droid broke. And it's really
damn lucky you've been bought by
someone who knows Alec Guiness.

More then...

Here's the finish:

C3PO
And what an amazing coincidence I
was actually built by Darth Vader.

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Uh.. that's not luck or coincidence.
It's the Force. Anything that seems
stupid is not stupid because of the
Force, understand?

UNCLE
How do you explain the fact that I
don't remember either of them, even
though they've both been here before
and I ACTUALLY OWNED C3P0 FOR A LONG
TIME.

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
They did? Oh, right! Eh, whatever.

CARRIE FISHER
Help me Alec Guiness, you're my
only hope.

MARK HAMILL
Whoa, she's ****ing hot. Hmm, I felt
kind of disgusted saying that.

ALEC GUINESS
Heh, I know something you don't
know. Neener neener.

MARK HAMILL
What?

ALEC GUINESS
Nothing. Let's go to a shady bar
type place and hitch a ride to
Alderaan.

HARRISON FORD
Hey, I can help, as long as I can
do so suavely. I am suave, you see.
Let me first go talk to an assassin
sent by Jabba Hutt, then one
building over to find Jabba actually
there in the special edition.

JABBA
Hey. I look ****ing ridiculous.

HARRISON FORD
Alright, let's go.

They go to Alderaan only to discover it has been converted
into a very large number of bright specks.

HARRISON FORD
Oh ****. I think we all collectively
have a bad feeling about all this.

INT. DEATH STAR

MARK, CHEWBACCA, HARRISON, ALEC, and the DROIDS are all
sneaking about.

ALEC GUINESS
I must valiantly venture out to
shut off the tractor beam shit.

All the others run around and almost get CAUGHT but don't.
Then they find the princess and almost get CAUGHT but don't.
Then they almost get CAUGHT again but don't.

DARTH VADER
Alec! How's it going, old buddy?
Still banging that Padme chick? No
wait, that was me..

ALEC GUINESS
Oh blow me. God I hate this ****ing
movie.

They have a lightsaber battle until MARK arrives.

ALEC GUINESS
Oh, good. Mark's here, I can die
now.

He DIES. But not really, since his voice comes back later
and he himself appears repeadedly in the sequels.

INT. REBEL BASE

CARRIE FISHER
It's a good thing we got those
plans. We discovered that this thing
was built by a four year old. If we
drop a bomb thingy into this big
hole on the outside, it'll actually
blow up the entire ship.

MARK HAMILL
Er..

CARRIE FISHER
That's right. The ENTIRE ship.

HARRISON FORD
It's not so outlandish. The X-wings
explode if you shoot them once.

EXT. SPACE

Everyone seems to be failing. It is all up to MARK.

ALEC GUINESS
Don't use the targeting computer,
Mark. Use the Force!

MARK HAMILL
I see now. I am abandoning the
technological advancement in favor
of instincts and emotion. It is
truly an excellent metaphorical
warning against the over
industrialization of our society. I
see now that success does not lie in
our meaningless technologies, but in
our hearts, our minds, and our
feelings.

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Yeah, don't worry, I drop that
dumbass message/theme bullshit in
favor of crass commercialism by the
next movie.

END