Probably did. I don't know what I was thinking.
Special Edition redone version:
Vader: You know you promised me that you had the power to save Padme and you lied.
Sidious: Yes I did.
Vader: It's your fault she's dead, and the other Jedi, gosh I'm a moron that's easily manipulated.
Sidious: No you're not...
Han(on the mic on the Death Star): Just a slight bathroom mishap, we're fine, everybody's fine......we're still partying
Soldier on Comm: How much alcohol did u guys have? Sending a squadron of officers.......
Han: Luke, get that young girl out of here before the cops get here......& hide that pot plant
Here's TPM (my apologies if it seems a little bit superfluous):
FADE IN:
INT. SPACESHIP
LIAM NEESON
It is vitally important we enter trade
negotiations with the federation.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I agree. This one planet and how it
trades with other planets is certainly
an important enough topic to be the
entire plot of a Star Wars film.
INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK
EVIL ALIEN
Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil,
obviousry Asian race must prevair. I
wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid.
INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI
A droid enters.
LIAM NEESON
I sense a disturbance in the force.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Well, shit.
Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin
attacking the Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration
of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force to
destroy the CGI. They run outside.
EXT. NABOO
They run until they smack into some more CGI.
JAR JAR
Who might you be?
LIAM NEESON
(staring in the general
direction of Jar Jar, but
not really staring at him)
I am a Jedi. There are bad things
coming. Take me to your homeland.
JAR JAR
I see. That is quite interesting. I
will guide you to the land from which
I have come.
Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't
selling well enough.
JAR JAR (cont^"d)
Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to
saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica
mon, okeyday?
EWAN MCGREGOR
(staring at something right
above Jar Jar)
Good. Do you have a hotel room for me
and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business
to attend to.
JAR JAR
Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon.
AUDIENCE
Die. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you.
INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK
The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears
to be better in technology than the kinds of things in
the original trilogy.
NATALIE PORTMAN
I am the queen. You've gone too far
this time. I will tell the senate and
you will be in a lot of trouble.
EVIL ALIEN
I'm so sorry, Amidala.
NATALIE PORTMAN
No, no, I'm Padme now.
EVIL ALIEN
I thought when in the makeup, you were
the queen.
NATALIE PORTMAN
No, I'm whoever is playing the queen
at the time. The voice changes don't
help you figure this out.
EVIL ALIEN
Stop trying to confoose me! Droids,
capture the queen.. or Padme.. er..
just capture everyone!
LIAM and EWAN and, ****, JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN
and other members of her staff onto a ship and they
escape. They go to Tatooine.
INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE
JAKE LLOYD
Hi there! Golly I'm cute.
NATALIE PORTMAN
You certainly are, little boy.
JAKE LLOYD
Am I the only one disturbed by the fact
that I'm gonna bone you in episode
two?
LIAM NEESON
Jake, I need you to have a pod race so
I can get the parts I need and free
you.
JAKE'S MOM
No, I won't allow him to pod race.
He'll get hurt.
(pause)
Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck.
They pod race. It looks really COOL.
GEORGE LUCAS
(attempting subtlety)
Oh! Look! There's a video game of
this scene... uh.. buy it! Hey, I had
to sacrifice a part of my grand vision
for these movies to include a part
that could be turned into a game, so
buy it or I'll do it even more in
episode 2.
JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become
very important in the next movie. He also has to leave
his protocol droid, THREEPIO.
AUDIENCE
He built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever
mentioned in the original trilogy?
GEORGE LUCAS
Because I just made it up. Speaking
of stuff I'm just making up, how do
you like the midichlorian bullshit I
pulled out of my ass?
They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.
INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL
LIAM NEESON
I want to train this boy.
YODA
Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is.
Clouded his future seems. Vague my
worries are.
LIAM NEESON
Well, he is the chosen one. He will
bring balance to the force. I'm
training him.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Yoda told you no, mutha****a. What
the **** is wrong with you, bitchass?
I'll ****in' kill you! I'm gonna be a
****in bad ass in the next two ****in
movies, you know. My toy has a
****in lightsaber.
LIAM NEESON
I'm going to go over your head and
train him myself, then. So there.
He exits.
INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING
IAN MCDIARMID
Damn I'm evil.
Suddenly, we see E.T! This does not make the film HYPER-
CUTESEY like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER.
EXT. NABOO
NATALIE PORTMAN
I am either the queen or Padme now.
Regardless, your cheesy-looking race
of annoying, unrealistic characters
need to ally with our badly acting
race of creatures so we can capture
this one guy.
BOSS NASS
One guy? The climax of this film
revolves entirely around us capturing
one, pretty insignificant guy?
Doesn't that make this whole thing
kinda pointless?
NATALIE PORTMAN
No more pointless than the fact that
this entire film revolves around taxes
on trade and the cutting off of one,
pathetic little planet half-filled
with annoying creatures.
They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares?
Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight
sequence. Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a
black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black
face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL.
Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one
insignificant guy and we really don't care.
Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and
we really don't care except we want the Gungans to die.
Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the space-
battle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives. We
care a little bit.
INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS
MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle
which has had a lot of effort put into the choreography
and is thousands of times better than any other
lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film.
AUDIENCE
Whoa! This is really cool!
Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid
battles going on at the time. Eventually, we return to
the good one.
DARTH MAUL
(menacing as hell)
Grrr.
Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising,
especially to those of us who bought the film score which
has a song whose title gives away the ending. He then
kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto something on
the side and holds on for dear life.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Well, you certainly are an experienced
fighter and there is little question
you could kick pretty much anyone's
ass.
DARTH MAUL (cont^"d)
Muahahahaha.
Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber,
jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button
on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands
there like an idiot and does nothing at all. He dies.
EXT. SPACE
JAKE LLOYD
Whoaaaaa! I'm in space! Now this is
pod racing! Yipee! Uh oh! Man, I'm
so cute.
JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the
ship is kept. He accidentally blows it to SHIT.
JAKE LLOYD (cont^"d)
Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave
Artoo!
They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all
the droids and just makes everything great, because it's
always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with
a slapstick accident.
EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO
The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge
party ensues.
AUDIENCE
Wow! Watching this party and all this
celebration has convinced me that the
tiny, pathetic problem that has been
taken care of is actually really
significant! Hooray!
Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the
mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what
actually happened was the future-emperor has actually
manipulated everything, come into great power, and that
one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but
thousands more have been created.
END
Here's a parody of ROTS as well. Again, sorry if it seems stupid, but I thought I'd just let it out there in this thread:
FADE IN:
EXT. SPACE
Two NOT-QUITE-TIE-FIGHTERS fly and zoom around, the camera
chasing wildly behind them in a way that only computer
generated scenes can show. We see that they have EWAN
MCGREGOR and HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN in them.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I can hardly tell who is shooting
who in this dizzying space battle
sequence!
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it's pretty confusing.
EWAN MCGREGOR
No, I mean literally dizzying!
(vomits)
They fly toward CHRISTOPHER LEE'S SHIP so they can rescue
SUPREME CHANCELLOR IAN MCDIARMID.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Oh no, the hangar has shields up!
HAYDEN shoots something next to the shield and they
deactivate.
EWAN MCGREGOR
The thing that powers the shield is
on the outside of the ship?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it's pretty stupid. It's like
a life support system being in a box
on someone's chest.
They land inside the ship and TAKE SOME DROIDS TO SCHOOL.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I sure am enjoying the feeling of
brotherly camaraderie between us.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it is nice. Seems like the
sort of thing that should have been
in the last film. Oh well, at least
there were scenes of me rolling
around in the grass.
They make their way toward CHRISTOPHER LEE and IAN
MCDIARMID, using the help of R2D2, who uses his rockets to
fly again, in spite of everyone trying so hard to forget
that ever happened. They find IAN.
IAN MCDIARMID
Help me! I am trapped in a
comfortable chair overlooking all of
the destruction I have wrought!
Suddenly, CHRISTOPHER LEE enters.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
I have been waiting a long time for
a rematch. Now, you will have to
face a stunt double with my face
pasted on!
They DUEL. CHRISTOPHER LEE easily dispatches EWAN. HAYDEN
fights him and eventually KILLS him.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
Wow, that was it for Christopher
Lee, huh? Seems almost pointless to
have killed Darth Maul and
introduced him in the first place.
HAYDEN, EWAN, and IAN all begin to leave, but they are
CAPTURED and brought before GENERAL GREVIOUS, A ROBOTIC
SKELETON.
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
I will now add your lightsabers to
my collection of Star Wars
memorabilia.
He places them inside a VINTAGE 1970'S STAR WARS LUNCH BOX
WITH THERMOS NO RESERVE!!
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Artoo, freak the hell out
obnoxiously!
He DOES. This distracts everyone long enough for EWAN to get
his LIGHTSABER back. There is a short battle in which an
OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW THAT GREVIOUS IS AS BADASS AS WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE is missed.
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing and wheezing)
I will run like a coward, further
failing to illustrate how
intimidating my character is meant
to be!
HAYDEN crashes the ship to the ground and SAVES EVERYONE.
There is MILD CELEBRATION followed by a cameo by NATALIE
PORTMAN, the linchpin of HAYDEN'S turn to the dark side.
NATALIE PORTMAN
(yawning)
Hayden, I'm pregnant.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
How can you be sure?
NATALIE PORTMAN
Because in a minute or two I'll
actually be showing. Really.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You know, I love you with all the
love one can love a lover with.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Wow, that almost tops your 'wish'
line from the last movie. Tell me
again on the balcony while I brush
my hair and look vaguely hideous.
We cut to HAYDEN having a nightmare about NATALIE giving
birth to a GUNGAN. NATALIE is visibly pregnant now in a
single shot, the only indicator at all that any time has
passed since the previous scene. Nothing happens for a
while, and eventually HAYDEN seeks the advice of IAN
MCDIARMID.
INT. SOME WEIRD OPERA THING
IAN MCDIARMID
You seem worried about Natalie
dying. Also, you're confused about
being a Jedi.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
They don't want me to **** Natalie
Portman. That's insanity. Did you
see her in Closer? Holy ****.
IAN MCDIARMID
Did you know that those who embrace
the Dark Side have a lot of powers
that Jedi do not? For example, they
can influence that midichlorian
bullshit to create life.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Create life? Wait, are you implying
that my supposed virgin birth was--
IAN MCDIARMID
And they can stop others from
dying.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Stop others? Like, if someone force
chokes them and they start to die
because of it hours later?
IAN MCDIARMID
Yup.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
That's distracting enough that I'll
not bother following up on the other
thing you said.
Meanwhile...
EXT. KASHYYK
YODA leads an army of WOOKIEES to fight against DROIDS. The
scene is utterly superfluous and present solely to have a
scene containing WOOKIEES. It also serves to make the STAR
WARS UNIVERSE seem even smaller with more cameos by
characters from the original trilogy.
CHEWBACCA
Nyaaarrrgghh.
EXT. UTAPAU
EWAN MCGREGOR finds out that GENERAL GREVIOUS is hiding on
UTAPAU. He jumps on a RIDICULOUSLY LOUD AND ANNOYING IGUANA.
IGUANA
Shriek! Shriek!
The IGUANA'S sounds are ear-piercing and awful, making the
AUDIENCE MISERABLE during any scene containing it. EWAN
rides it up to GENERAL GREVIOUS and challenges him.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I will attempt to destroy you now,
without waiting for my support
troops to arrive.
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
Are you serious? You've lost
literally every single duel you've
been a part of except for the one
with Darth Maul. Hayden constantly
mentions how many times he has saved
you. What have you done in the
entire prequel trilogy so far to
prove that you're actually a decent
fighter?
EWAN MCGREGOR
Hey, I sorta beat Jango Fett. So,
what's with the coughing, do droids
get colds or something?
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(wheezing)
Oh no, see, I'm a cyborg, not a
droid. Check it out, I have an
actual beating heart.
EWAN shoots it and GREVIOUS'S HEAD explodes in a ball of
fire.
EWAN MCGREGOR
That made sense.
INT. CORUSCANT
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN runs up to SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING
JACKSON
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Samuel, I rented the original Star
Wars trilogy from Blockbuster. I'm
pretty sure Ian McDiarmid is a Sith
Lord.
Continued on next post...
SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
Then it's time to get medieval on
some ass.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Let me come with you.
SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
No, go your room.
SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON and some OTHER JEDI go to
see IAN. Meanwhile HAYDEN stares out the window of the JEDI
TEMPLE, toward NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT. Though he says
nothing, we can see that he is conflicted, trying to decide
between his commitment to the Jedi order and his love for
his wife. NATALIE, at the same time, gazes toward the Jedi
Temple, wondering what will happen to her husband.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
How pathetic is it that the msot
well-acted scene between us is the
one in which we are in separate
buildings and have no lines?
SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON enters IAN MCDIARMID'S
CHAMBER.
SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
Ian, you're under arrest for being
a manipulative mother****er.
IAN MCDIARMID
I got a threshold, Jedi. I got a
threshold for the abuse I'll take.
And right now I'm a race car and you
got me in the red. I'm just saying
that it's ****in' dangerous to have
a racecar in the ****in' red. It
could blow.
SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
Oh, you're gettin' ready to blow?
IAN MCDIARMID
I could blow.
SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin'
mother****er, mother****er! Every
time my fingers touch my lightsaber
I'm Superfly TNT. I'm the Guns of
Navarone.
Suddenly, IAN pulls out his LIGHTSABER. He moves toward the
JEDI, pulls his arm back, aims at a Jedi, kills him, pulls
his blade out, moves toward another, and slowly kills him
too, all while SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON twirls his
lightsaber around pointlessly behind them. Once only SAMUEL
is left, they DUEL. IAN makes silly faces and is eventually
beaten.
SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
Let me read to you from the book of
Ezekiel for a--
Suddenly, IAN unleashes some force lightning on SAMUEL,
which he absorbs into his lightsaber and somehow pushes back
onto IAN, which causes him to grow old, apprently. Despite
this, IAN refuses to stop doing it.
IAN MCDIARMID
Must... bridge... gap... to...
original... trilogy...
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN arrives.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Wow, you really can absorb force
lightning with a lightsaber. Someone
really, really needs to tell Luke
that. Anyway, Ian, I think Samuel is
about to rip you a new one, mind
telling me how to save Natalie real
quick?
SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
**** that, I'm killing this geezer
now.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You can't. He must stand trial.
Killing him now would be.. er, well
it would be exactly the same as when
I killed Christoper Lee in the
beginning of the movie.
SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
You're actually right, but I'm
going to kill him anyway.
HAYDEN stops him and IAN throws him out the window, a fall
which no PARTIALLY ELECTROCUTED JEDI CAPABLE OF
SUPER-JUMPING could possibly survive.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
What have I done?
(pause)
I submit myself to your will, Ian.
IAN MCDIARMID
That was fast. Well, now that you
have taken a single, somewhat
justifiable step toward the Dark
Side, there's no turning back. Go
kill all of the Jedi in the temple,
including the children.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Right, go kill the children. Got it.
IAN MCDIARMID
Well, kill everyone, not just--
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(leaving)
On my way to kill all of the
children now! Whee!
He DOES. The CLONE TROOPERS kill most of the adult Jedi,
while the challenging task of murdering children can only be
undertaken by the DARK LORD OF THE SITH.
EXT. UTAPAU
IAN MCDIARMID appears in a HOLOGRAPH to one of the CLONE
TROOPERS.
IAN MCDIARMID
Execute order 66.
CLONE TROOPER
Kill all shrieking CGI creatures.
(to his troops)
Alright men, shoot down the giant
Iguana.
IAN MCDIARMID
Oh, and order 67.
CLONE TROOPER
Jedi, too. Got it.
They shoot at EWAN, who falls into the water.
CLONE TROOPER
He's dead. Nobody could have
survived that fall. Except a Jedi,
of course.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Jesus, they've become really
stupid. This movie really DOES
bridge the gap between the original
trilogy and the prequel trilogy.
EXT. MYGEETO
Suddenly, all of the clone troopers turn against
KI-ADI-MUNDI and shoot him.
KI-ADI-MUNDI
Oh no, I'm being shot by fewer
weapons than at the end of Attack of
the Clones! Somehow, this overpowers
me!
(dies)
CLONE TROOPERS kill all remaining JEDI all over the galaxy,
including the BLUE HOTTIE. Despite their supernatural senses
and a lifetime of training in battle skills, they all
succumb to the TROOPERS. Meanwhile, HAYDEN travels to
MUSTAFAR to kill all of the separatists. JAR JAR, sadly, is
not one of them.
INT. NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT
EWAN arrives to talk to NATALIE.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Natalie, do you know where Hayden
is? I just saw some security
recordings of the Jedi temple, and
apparently also of Ian McDiarmid's
chamber afterwards. Or beforehand.
Or an alternate universe, perhaps.
Anyway, he was killing children!
NATALIE PORTMAN
Hayden? No! I refuse to entertain
this notion and will dismiss your
concerns outright. Hayden would
never kill children!
(pause)
Oh, wait, unless they were
sandpeople. Then he would kill them.
But he's definitely not a murderer
otherwise.
EWAN stows away on NATALIE'S SHIP as she FLIES to MUSTAFAR.
EXT. MUSTAFAR
NATALIE'S SHIP lands and she runs to HAYDEN.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Hayden! I heard you've gone toward
the dark side! It's not true, is it?
Why are your eyes all red?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
You brought Ewan, didn't you? To
actually act well and make me look
wooden and awful!
NATALIE PORTMAN
Of course not! I'm even worse than
you in this movie, why would I bring
someone capable of acting well here?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(comically)
Liar!
He chokes her.
NATALIE PORTMAN
(collapsing)
Urk!
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Oh baby, I'm sorry. I only force
choke you because I love you. Come
back to me baby.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Hayden! What the hell, your whole
reason for turning was to save her.
That was completely stupid.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Bah, the Jedi are stupider! They
didn't know I was married to Natalie
despite the fact that we live
together, which Ian figured out in
seconds. They didn't know Ian was a
Sith. They asked me to get close to
him, knowing full well I am confused
and that he's manipulative. God, the
assassin from Attack of the Clones
allegedly couldn't be sent by
Christopher Lee because "it's not in
his character." Face it, it's a
miracle the Jedi survived this long.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Anti-Jedite!
They DUEL. Then they DUEL some more. Afterwards, they do
some more DUELLING. Then there's another DUEL, a little
DUELLING, and finally a DUEL.
EWAN MCGREGOR
It's over, Hayden. I've got the high
ground, just like Darth Maul did in
Episode 1 right before I killed him
successfully. Ignoring that, if you
jump over to me, I will cut your
shit off.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You underestimate my power to
decide not to jump to the low ground
in front of you where I will be able
to safely continue duelling, but to
instead try to jump all the way over
you and get my shit cut off!
He JUMPS and gets his SHIT cut RIGHT THE **** OFF. Then he
is COMPLETELY BURNED.
And the thrilling conclusion ensues...
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Mother****er!
EWAN MCGREGOR
I'm leaving, Hayden! Even though
you are writhing in agony, I won't
do the humane thing and put you out
of your misery. You're the dick,
though.
He leaves. IAN arrives shortly after.
IAN MCDIARMID
Take him back to Coruscant so we
can put him in the big black life
support suit that I just so happen
to have laying around for just such
an occasion.
They DO.
INT. POLIS MASSA HOSPITAL ROOM
A CGI MEDICAL DROID is delivering NATALIE'S CHILDREN.
Another CGI DROID talks to EWAN and JIMMY SMITS.
JIMMY SMITS
Jesus, not every scene needs some
digital character in them. She's
giving birth, can't we leave at
least a FEW frames of the film free
from CGI bullshit? Hell, Ewan chould
have delivered the twins, that would
be more dramatic.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
More what?
MEDICAL DROID
She's dying. She has given up the
will to live.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Given up the will to live? She does
know she has two brand new babies to
live for, doesn't she?
NATALIE has her twins, the order of which creates a
completely unnecessary continuity error for no reason other
than the fact that DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS must really enjoy
watching his obsessive fans rationalize obvious flaws. She
DIES.
INT. ALDERAAN CRUISER
YODA, EWAN, and JIMMY discuss what to do with A NEW HOPE.
JIMMY SMITS
I will take the girl. Hey Ewan, if
you know about Leia, how come you
refer to Luke as your last hope in
Empire Strikes Back?
EWAN MCGREGOR
I know about Leia, but Alec Guiness
doesn't.
YODA
Oh, that reminds me! Speaking of
justifying obvious dialogue blunders
created by the fact that George
Lucas didn't actually have all six
films firmly in his mind when he was
making any given one, I need to
train you how to be a force ghost so
you can explain to Luke how Vader
killed his father.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Where should we keep him in the
mean time?
YODA
Take him to his family on Tatooine.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Wait, really? You mean, to hide him
from Hayden and Ian, we're going to
allow him to keep the last name
Skywalker, bring him to Hayden's
birth planet, and put him in the
care of his actual relatives? It
would take like an hour of research
to track him down if the Empire
wanted him.
YODA
Well, go watch over him from really
far away to make sure he's safe.
INT. CORUSCANT IMPERIAL REHAB CENTER
DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN, in full suit, is situated
upright.
DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Where's Natalie Portman? Suddenly I
am worried about her again.
IAN MCDIARMID
It seems that in your overacting,
you killed her.
DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Wow, you'd think that would really
make me see the error of the Dark
Side, realize the Jedi were right
all along, and kill you right now.
Ah well.
IAN MCDIARMID
So, now that the movie is over,
would you say that the prequel
trilogy was worth making?
DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
END
Originally posted by Darth L. Dipsit
Here's TPM (my apologies if it seems a little bit superfluous):FADE IN:
INT. SPACESHIP
LIAM NEESON
It is vitally important we enter trade
negotiations with the federation.EWAN MCGREGOR
I agree. This one planet and how it
trades with other planets is certainly
an important enough topic to be the
entire plot of a Star Wars film.INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK
EVIL ALIEN
Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil,
obviousry Asian race must prevair. I
wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid.INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI
A droid enters.
LIAM NEESON
I sense a disturbance in the force.EWAN MCGREGOR
Well, shit.Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin
attacking the Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration
of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force to
destroy the CGI. They run outside.EXT. NABOO
They run until they smack into some more CGI.
JAR JAR
Who might you be?LIAM NEESON
(staring in the general
direction of Jar Jar, but
not really staring at him)
I am a Jedi. There are bad things
coming. Take me to your homeland.JAR JAR
I see. That is quite interesting. I
will guide you to the land from which
I have come.Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't
selling well enough.JAR JAR (cont^"d)
Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to
saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica
mon, okeyday?EWAN MCGREGOR
(staring at something right
above Jar Jar)
Good. Do you have a hotel room for me
and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business
to attend to.JAR JAR
Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon.AUDIENCE
Die. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you.INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK
The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears
to be better in technology than the kinds of things in
the original trilogy.NATALIE PORTMAN
I am the queen. You've gone too far
this time. I will tell the senate and
you will be in a lot of trouble.EVIL ALIEN
I'm so sorry, Amidala.NATALIE PORTMAN
No, no, I'm Padme now.EVIL ALIEN
I thought when in the makeup, you were
the queen.NATALIE PORTMAN
No, I'm whoever is playing the queen
at the time. The voice changes don't
help you figure this out.EVIL ALIEN
Stop trying to confoose me! Droids,
capture the queen.. or Padme.. er..
just capture everyone!LIAM and EWAN and, ****, JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN
and other members of her staff onto a ship and they
escape. They go to Tatooine.INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE
JAKE LLOYD
Hi there! Golly I'm cute.NATALIE PORTMAN
You certainly are, little boy.JAKE LLOYD
Am I the only one disturbed by the fact
that I'm gonna bone you in episode
two?
(CUT OFF)
MY GOD, THAT WAS FUNNY!
Originally posted by b-dan
jar jar is taking a leak Anikan comes in he stands next to him tkain ga piss looks downAnikan: hey nice pubs man
Jarjar: usa like my pubs
Anikan: ya man Padme get your ass over here
Padme comes in
Padme: gang bang!!!
i know that`s really perverted.
Yes, yes it is, but we will ignore that little fact!
[Talking to pad'me after finding his mom in episode 2]
Anakin: I killed them, and not just the men but the women and the children too. but you can ignore that fact and marry me after the battle of geinosis anyways.
Padme': oh, ok...
Anakin: you can also ignore this fact when I kill all of the children in the Jedi temple too...
Padme': oh, ok...
Anakin: and you can ignore my anger problem and rush after me after I kill those children with out checking to see if anyone is hiding in your ship. and then kill you because obi-wan hid in the storage compartment!
Padme': ok
Pieces positive extradition of original screenwriting:
FADE IN:
EXT. A VERY FOGGY CORUSCANT
A glimmering ship cuts through the fog, eventually landing,
followed closely by two smaller Nubian transports.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Look! We figured out how to do fog!
JAY LAGA'AIA emerges from one of the smaller ships, as does
THE REAL SENATOR NATALIE PORTMAN
JAY LAGA'AIA
Looks like there was no danger at
all. I suppose your decoy can get
off the ship now.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS (CONT'D)
Decoy? Was I planning on still
screwing around with that horrible
bullshit?
Suddenly, the ship explodes, killing crew members and
NATALIE'S DECOY! Every single element of all shots now
appear to be computer-generated.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Decoy! No!
NATALIE'S DECOY
I'm sorry, I've failed you.
NATALIE PORTMAN
How? You were my decoy. This was
your job - in fact, this was your
ONLY job. Frankly, I'm not sure why
I'm so upset, why else did I think I
was hiring you?
NATALIE'S DECOY
(dies)
NATALIE PORTMAN
Wait, since you're my decoy,
shouldn't you at least look like me?
And not be Mexican?
JAY LAGA'AIA
We have to go to another obviously
computer-generated location and
interact with computer-generated
characters. Hurry, before the movie
gets boring.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Look, I really appreciate your
concern, but this is the second
movie where you've been up my butt.
JAY LAGA'AIA
No no, that was the other black
security guy. I have an eye patch.
See?
NATALIE PORTMAN
So, what, do I find all of the
black people in the galaxy and make
them my security guards?
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
NATALIE PORTMAN enters a room full of JEDI COUNCIL MEMBERS
and the aging SENATOR IAN MCDIARMID.
IAN MCDIARMID
Natalie! You look.. Exactly the
same. Why am I the only one who
actually aged ten years?
NATALIE looks in the vicinity of the floor, where FRANK OZ
sits with a green mask on in front of a giant blue set.
YODA
Heard about the explosion, I did.
Seeing you again brings warmness to
my heart. Wait, that's not my heart.
IAN MCDIARMID
I'm bringing in Ewan McGregor and
Hayden Christensen to keep an eye on
you.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Why them?
IAN MCDIARMID
Because it's part of my evil
scheme. Uh, somehow. Look, do you
want to pork the little kid from
Tatooine or not?
JAR JAR
When they arrive, I'll be sure to
announce it twice for no reason.
AUDIENCE
GOD DAMN IT! **** YOU! WHY ARE YOU
STILL ****ING HERE?! Jesus Christ on
a crapstick!
EXT. CORUSCANT
LEANNA WALSMAN and TEMUERA MORRISON meet inconspicuously.
TEMUERA MORRISON
Here. I got these assassin bugs for
you to use.
LEANNA WALSMAN
Thanks for the bugs. It's a good
thing you, a bounty hunter, hired
me, a bounty hunter, to do
absolutely nothing other than put
this tube into a flying droid which
you could just as easily possess. It
gives me some real purpose.
TEMUERA MORRISON
Meh. You make another action figure.
With quick-change face shift action!
INT. CORUSCANT BEDROOM
NATALIE sleeps, R2D2 guarding over her. EWAN and HAYDEN are
in the adjacent room.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Just being around her again is
intoxicating. I haven't seen her
since the last movie.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Wait a minute... Coruscant appears
to be the home base to both the
Senate and the Jedi.. And you
haven't even run into each other in
ten years?
Hayden has his eyes closed and and a shit-eating grin on
his face.
EWAN MCGREGOR (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
She made me turn the cameras off.
Luckily for me, her thoughts betray
her - she's having one of those
nightmares where she shows up to the
senate naked. Mmmm.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Hayden, pay attention. Be mindful of
the force and do what I tell you. I
had almost completed my own Padawan
training when I took you as my
apprentice, so I have ever so
slightly more training than you.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Nuh uh.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Yuh huh! And I do a great
impression of Alec Guinness, too!
AUDIENCE
Wow.. So.. Uh.. apprently Jedi
bicker incessantly.
NATALIE PORTMAN (O.S.)
Icky! Bugs!
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN runs in, hops on the bed, and kills the
bugs.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I knew I'd be on top of you in bed
someday.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Bah. Ten years of Jedi training and
the coolest thing you've done is be
a badass exterminator.
YODA
Set the story into motion we must.
Ewan, get to the bottom of this.
Talk to a distractingly CGI
character in a diner.
EWAN MCGREGOR
A diner? Doesn't a diner severely
ruin a sense of the distant fantasy
Star Wars holds?
YODA
Ahem. Midichlorians.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Diner. Right. I'm on my way.
YODA
Hayden, you will take Natalie back
to Naboo. She'll be safer with an
unpredictable, dangerous apprentice
who shouldn't have been trained than
she would be on a planet populated
largely by Jedi.
SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
Don't use registered transports,
either.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I was thinking she could ride my--
SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
Just go.
INT. CORUSCANT BEDROOM
HAYDEN is whining to NATALIE as she packs.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
..and, and he always yells at me in
front of my friends, and he won't
let me watch TV past 10, and he
tells the CORNIEST jokes when we're
out in public..
NATALIE PORTMAN
Jesus, is this your way of
impressing me?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(leering at her)
No, my boyish magazine-cover-model
eyes are.
More...
NATALIE PORTMAN
Don't look at me like that.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Why not?
NATALIE PORTMAN
Because it could get you arrested
anywhere else, you ****ing creep.
They get into a blue screen, which later becomes a SHIP.
NATALIE PORTMAN
I'm scared, Hayden. I'm scared that
I'll be known only for Star Wars
because obsessive geeks can't seem
to separate me from my characters.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I'm scared too. Hey, but we have R2
with us!
NATALIE PORTMAN
Ha ha! Wait, why? Doesn't he fix
ships? Why is he even here?
EXT. RAIN PLANET
DIRECTOR GEORGE LURCAS
Look! We got rain right too!
EWAN MCGREGOR slowly uncovers the extremely simplistic
mystery. He meets TEMUERA MORRISON
EWAN MCGREGOR
Hi there.
TEMUERA MORRISON
I'm just a simple man trying to
make his way in the universe.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Er, um, that's great. So who are
you?
TEMUERA MORRISON
My clone son is Boba Fett. He was a
small role in the original trilogy
and ravenous Star Wars fanboys
elevated his importance based merely
on his cool appearance. George
Lucas, utterly sacrificing whatever
vision he claims to have for the
series, has made his role much more
important by coincidently making his
father responsible for the clone
wars. But you can take a flying leap
up my ass, Jedi scum.
They FIGHT.
TEMUERA MORRISON (CONT'D)
Isn't it cool how badass I look?
EWAN MCGREGOR
Actually, you seem somewhat inept
in this fight. I'm outsmarting you
and kicking your ass repeatedly.
TEMUERA MORRISON
Hey, I said I look cool, I didn't
say I was good at fighting. I'm
modeled after the original Boba
Fett; he gets killed by a blind guy
accidentally.
TEMUERA MORRISON escapes, sans much of his armor and
weaponry.
EXT. ENORMOUS, OPEN FIELD
Romantic music swells in the background as HAYDEN and
NATALIE sit in the grass, talking.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
It's hard being a Jedi. I like the
part where I kill stuff and kick
ass, but the stuff about not bumping
uglies with you totally sucks.
NATALIE PORTMAN
I thought love was forbidden for a
Jedi.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Whoa whoa whoa. Let's not go
throwing the L-word around so
suddenly, I just want to ****. Now
why don't you get naked and stop
being a senator.
NATALIE PORTMAN
You really hate politicians, don't
you?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I don't think the system works. We
need someone telling everyone else
how to think.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Sounds an awful lot like the
original trilogy to me.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
It's better than the system you've
devoted your life and childhood to,
you pathetic waste of flesh.
NATALIE PORTMAN
I think I'm falling in love with
you. You know how to sweet talk a
lady.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Guh, you're soft. Can I touch you?
NATALIE PORTMAN
Let's wrestle in an uncomfortably
erotic manner.
They run through the open field, playing with animals and
giggling like children. NATALIE'S sundress flows behind her
majestically.
AUDIENCE
(staring at tickets)
Star. Wars. Attack. Clones.
(looking back at the
screen)
Did we walk into the wrong theater?
NATALIE PORTMAN
I won't let genital herpes get in
the way of MY youthful frolicking!
INT. SECRET EVIL BASE
EWAN MCGREGOR uncovers a secret meeting between CHRISTOPHER
LEE and a bunch of ****ING CARTOONS.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Soon, every powerful group in the
galaxy will join my cause. Then, we
will take over! Uh, I mean, separate
from the republic.
EVIL ALIEN
I'm back, but my obviorsry Asian
accent has been toned down a bit. I
agree with you, Christopher Ree!
Now, ret's kill Natalie Portman,
because I apparentry have gone from
being corrupt and stupid to being
insanery sadistic and stupid in the
rast ten years.
Various PATHETICALLY FAKE LOOKING CHARACTERS respond in
agreement to CHRISTOPHER LEE.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Jeepers, R4! I better get a message
back to the gang!
INT. DARK ROOM WITH A FIREPLACE
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I love you, Natalie. Why can't we be
together?
NATALIE PORTMAN
Um, because my name would be Padme
Naberrie Amidala Skywalker. I may
have put Jar Jar in charge in my
absence, but I'm not a complete
moron. Besides, I'm kinda worried
Lucas is going to tell us we're
brother and sister. We must not fall
in love. Excuse me while I change
into something that reveals more
cleavage.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I wish I could just wish away my
feelings by wishing a wish with
which one wishes!
NATALIE PORTMAN
Wow. And George had help with the
script, too.
HAYDEN finds out that his mother was killed by TUSKEN
RAIDERS, so he slaughters every single last one of them.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I killed them all, Natalie. Women
and children, too.
NATALIE PORTMAN
I see. I'm definitely in love with
you now. Let's go rescue Ewan
McGregor, who has been abducted on
Geonosis. But first, let me change
into yet another god damned outfit
and spawn yet another god damned
action figure.
INT. GEONOSIS
EWAN MCGREGOR
You'll never get away with this,
Christopher Lee.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
That's, what, the three thousandth
time I've heard that line in my
career? Join me, Ewan.
EWAN MCGREGOR
In what?
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Uh, my, um.. I dunno. Whatever dude,
it doesn't matter, we're all Ian
McDiarmid's pawns anyway. You're
****ed, enjoy being spidercrab food.
He leaves. NATALIE and HAYDEN arrive to rescue him. First,
there is a short MEGA MAN GAME.
EXT. ENORMOUS FIGHTING ARENA
NATALIE, HAYDEN, and EWAN are chained to giant posts. Three
monsters emerge, ready to kill them.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Oh, look, I got a big kitty. Looks
like I'll be fine, how are you guys
doing?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I sure am glad I'm wearing black
robes right now.
Everyone fights their designated monster. NATALIE'S KITTY
rips the midriff of her shirt off perfectly, exposing her
well-toned tummy.
NATALIE PORTMAN
That was subtle.
As they fight, SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON comes in and
puts a lightsaber to TEMUERA'S neck. He glares at
CHRISTOPHER LEE.
SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
Normally, both of you would be dead
as ****ing fried chicken by now, but
since I'm in a transitional period,
I don't want to kill either one of
your asses.
Numerous JEDI appear. There is a shaky battle with an
impossible-to-follow amount of stuff going on. Eventually,
there is a break.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Surrender.
SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
Nope.
The battle resumes exactly where it left off. Suddenly, YODA
arrives with CLONE TROOPERS. The CLONES rip the place up.
AUDIENCE
Holy shit, they can actually aim!
CHRISTOPHER LEE escapes on a small speeder. He looks
COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS. EWAN, NATALIE, and HAYDEN chase after
him.
And on...