Things SW characters will NEVER say...

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

FADE IN:

EXT. HOTH

A CLAYMATION MARK HAMILL and CLAYMATION CAMEL-KANGAROO walk
around Hoth to find life, which is an important reason to go
into the freezing cold alone. MARK is attacked by THE
ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN.

INT. HOTH REBEL BASE

HARRISON FORD and CARRIE FISHER interact in an awkward
love-hate manner. We hope they get together, for.. some
reason or another.

C3PO
Mark is gone. I will now act foppish
and comical towards R2D2.

HARRISON FORD
I must find Mark. I am honorable,
despite usually acting like a big
*******.

EXT. HOTH

MARK escapes from FROSTY and runs out into the vast
freezing cold. This is much wiser than killing FROSTY and
staying in the cave. Luckily, HARRISON finds him and stuffs
him into a CAMEL-KANGAROO. They survive.

ALEC GUINESS
Mark. Go to Yoda. He will be quirky
and entertaining. He will also teach
you how to use your high number of
Midichlorians.. oops, Lucas didn't
shit that idea out yet. I meant he
will show you the ways of camera
tricks and wire stunts.

INT. HOTH REBEL BASE

MARK HAMILL
Yay, I am healing. Now I shall watch
the terribly comical interaction
between Harrison and Carrie.. then I
will get a kiss from Carrie.
(she kisses him)
Whoa, I popped major wood.

GEORGE LUCAS
That's your sister, dude.

MARK HAMILL
What?! ****ing gross!

GEORGE LUCAS
I'm just teasing. I don't actually
come up with that bullshit until
Return of the Jedi. You can have
sexual fantasies for now. Speaking
of fantasies, I think I'll dress her
in a gold bikini in the next movie.

Imperial fighters come in. There is a battle between the
rebels and the empire. MARK wears goggles that look as
though they'd make it very hard to see clearly.

MARK HAMILL
The Imperial Walker armor is too
strong for blasters! Tie their
shoelaces together!

The Imperial Walkers fall. Once they do, the rebels shoot
them with the exact same blasters they used before that were
ineffective. The Walkers explode this time, though. The
battle ends, MARK and R2D2 go to see Yoda and the other
PRIMARY CHARACTERS go elsewhere.

They try to go into hyperdrive. They FAIL.

EXT. DEGOBAH

YODA
Teach you I can. Make you do stunts
and look like idiot I will. Face
Vader you must not.

MARK HAMILL
I have to face Vader?

YODA
No! Face Vader you must not!

MARK HAMILL
What? Speak clearly! So I should
face Vader?

YODA
Er..

MARK HAMILL
Alright, away I go!

Meanwhile, HARRISON and everyone try to go into hyperdrive
and FAIL again.

EXT. CLOUD CITY

CARRIE, HARRISON, CHEWIE, and C3PO all greet THE ONLY BLACK
MAN IN THE GALAXY.

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS
I hate you. Just kidding. But
seriously, I'm screwing you royally
here.

DARTH VADER
Muahaha! Here I am! Aren't I just
generally intimidating as hell?

C3PO
If you all don't mind, I'll go get
myself blown up repeatedly and make
a major pain in the ass out of
myself.

MARK HAMILL
I'm here! Now I can just barely not
get everyone killed!

GUY WITH WEIRD ROBOTIC EARPHONES
So is this thing like a helmet or
is it wired into my head? And what's
it do, anyway?

HARRISON FORD
I'm now going to be turned into a
carbonite block that doesn't really
look a helluva lot like me.

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS
Ok everyone, trust me now.

CARRIE FISHER
No.
(pause)
Okay.

HARRISON FORD, FROZEN IN CARBONITE
God this thing makes my lips look
huge.

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS
Alright, let's barely escape!

INT. RANDOM ISOLATED AREA PERFECT FOR FIGHTING

DARTH VADER
Hello Mark. I will now smack you
with heavy objects.

MARK HAMILL
Ow! Ow! Waaaah! I want my mommy!

DARTH VADER
Funny you should mention that. I'm
your father.

MARK HAMILL
Dude, I don't even look like you.

DARTH VADER
No, you fool! Under the mask! I'm a
pasty white guy like you.

MARK HAMILL
You bastard!

MARK gives VADER the finger. VADER cuts off his hand.

MARK HAMILL (cont’d)
That's alright, I'm a lefty. Now I
will throw myself down and luckily
fall into this tube and stop moving
directly over this hatch which puts
me in a place where Billy Dee
Williams can get to me.

BILLY DEE and CREW rescue MARK.

MARK HAMILL
Well. Threepio is destroyed, I lost
a hand, Han is being molested by
Jabba as we speak, I haven't
completed my training, and everyone
in Cloud City just had to leave
their homes. I guess I really ****ed
this one up, eh guys? But hey at
least we've got each other, right?
Well, most of each other. Alec, why
didn't you tell me?

ALEC GUINESS
Lemme get back to you on that. I'll
have a real good excuse by the next
movie.

They try to go into hyperdrive. They FAIL.

GEORGE LUCAS
Ok folks.. I guess I'll resolve
these numerous loose ends when the
next movie comes out.. in a few
years. Until then, play with action
figures. Oh, and when computers come
out I'm going to make a game called
Shadows of the Empire that looks
really cool because the first level
is a badass simulation of the Hoth
battle in this movie. I think I'll
make the rest of the game a piece of
shit, though.

END

LOL that was great. Nai Fohl wins this big time, I think he's funnier than all the rest of us combined.

Luke: What happened to my father?

Ben: A young Jedi named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine back when he was Anakin Skywalker and before he turned to the dark side, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi knights. I shoved him into a lava bath after seriously pwning him and I was forced away by thousands of Sith lords.

Luke: So this Anakin Skywalker guy is Darth Vader, that screwed up looking black armored punk who struggles for oxygen every few seconds and clearly has someone else do his voice over for him? But what happened to my father?

Ben: ... I'm glad you're not our last hope..., we still have a chance with your sister.

Luke: Sister, no wait let me guess! C-3PO is my sister.

Ben: Your insides serve you well, now take this shiny object that doesn't resemble the lightsaber you just held in any way, hold it up to your face with the beam end toward you, and press the on button.

Luke: What on button???

Ben: The really big red one that's painfully blatant.

Luke: Like thi- *lightsaber cuts through his face, killing him.*

Ben: I'm sorry Yoda, I sensed too much whininess in him. Like his father. And I'm not gonna waste another 13 years of my life training some snot nosed punk just so I can smack them back down again!

(Hey, it's hard to think of stuff after 10 pages!)

-Darth Vader enters the Emperor's Throne Room on the DeathStar with Luke Skywalker in chains-
Vader: My lord.
Emperor: Young Skywalker...leave us.
Red Guard: WHAT!? Why do we also get the worse end of the stick.
Red Guard2: I know. We got thrown into a wall by Yoda and now we can't watch to see Vader kill the Emperor.

Gov. Tarkin" Darth Vader What are those button on your boxes for"

ANH - beginning. Vader choking the Rebel soldier.

Rebel:
"The princess is over by the escape pods! Please stop chocking the sh*t out of me!"

Stormtrooper:
"Lord Vader. He is telling the truth. We have sent down some troops to get her already."

Vader:
"I'm not interested in the princess. What I am interested in is the giant erection that choking this guy is giving me !"
*he continues*
"Every inch this guy raises from the floor is another inch added to my 'lightsaber'...And judging that distance between us you can all start referring to me as Darth Holmes."
*throws the guy against the wall*
"Well...now that I'm finished here my Little Darth needs a helmet and a cape of its own."

lol

Someone's been to pointless waste of time.com

Originally posted by Nai Fohl
ANH - beginning. Vader choking the Rebel soldier.

Rebel:
"The princess is over by the escape pods! Please stop chocking the sh*t out of me!"

Stormtrooper:
"Lord Vader. He is telling the truth. We have sent down some troops to get her already."

Vader:
"I'm not interested in the princess. What I [b]am interested in is the giant erection that choking this guy is giving me !"
*he continues*
"Every inch this guy raises from the floor is another inch added to my 'lightsaber'...And judging that distance between us you can all start referring to me as Darth Holmes."
*throws the guy against the wall*
"Well...now that I'm finished here my Little Darth needs a helmet and a cape of its own." [/B]

LOL!!! 😆

RETURN OF THE JEDI

FADE IN:

INT. NEW DEATH STAR

DARTH VADER enters and intimidates everybody.

DARTH VADER
So, looks like our DEATH STAR is
becoming operational again. Glad to
see we still kept the ridiculous
name.

COMMANDER
Greetings Anni. I'm so glad you
could come here and kill those of us
who fail you.

DARTH VADER
Quiet fool. The Emperor is coming.
Now I shall allude to the Emperor
being even more evil than me, which
will establish him as frightening
before we even have to see him.
That's good because he really just
looks like a crotchety old guy with
a bath robe.

INT. JABBA'S PALACE

JABBA appears to be smoking out of a large hookah.

JABBA
I am so ****ed up right now. Whoa
man, look how red my eyes are.
(begins laughing
hysterically)
Oh man, you know what would be
sooooo good right now? Those little
rat-like animals I eat all the time!
With some mustard! And chocolate
icing! Awwww shit.

C3PO and R2D2 enter and show JABBA a message from MARK
HAMILL.

MARK HAMILL
My costume makes me look kind of
like a priest.

BIB FORTUNA
This guy isn't a Jedi. Notice how I
speak Huttese to the largely
English- speaking droids yet I speak
English to Jabba?

The droids are taken away to act foppish and comical. We see
droids being subjected to torture. Seriously.

JABBA is being entertained by various aliens including a
hot green chick. Suddenly, a large number of very obviously
CGI aliens partake in an overly long dance sequence. STAR
WARS FANS hold their heads in their hands and begin to cry.

BOBA FETT
I'm ****ing cool, by the way. See
these chicks hanging all over me?
Shit I rule.

A resuce attempt begins taking place.

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS
I will now pull down my mask. This
serves no actual purpose here in
Jabba's palace, and I am doing it
solely for the audience. How long
have I been here anyway? Couldn't I
just have shot JABBA by now?

CARRIE FISHER rescues HARRISON. She then gets CAUGHT and put
into a small gold bikini. STAR WARS FANS have now been
fueled for twelve thousand more masturbation fantasies.

MARK arrives.

MARK HAMILL
Whoa, Carrie is ****ing hot.

ALEC GUINESS
Oh man, you're gonna be so pissed
in a little while.

JABBA
Wha? Oh no! Mark Hamill! Er, wait.
It's Mark ****ing Hamill. Put him in
the pit with the claymation monster.
And be sure the monster has a huge
black line around it! And try to
shoot it in a different format so
that it looks really stupid next to
Mark.

MARK kills it. Everyone is taken to the SARLACC PIT. MARK
puts a somewhat awkward-looking plan into action and
escapes. Also, BOBA FETT is killed in a depressingly
slapstick way.

CARRIE throws her chain around JABBA'S neck.

JABBA
Ahh, ya like it rough, eh *****? I
dig. Hey, wait a minute..

He DIES. Everyone gets away.

INT. DEATH STAR

The Emperor arrives.

EMPEROR
Where are my prunes?

DARTH VADER
They're in my chamber, my master.

EMPEROR
Excellent. Now, I've been thinking..
we can turn Mark to the dark side.
This would result in two sets of a
6- comic book miniseries in which he
goes to the dark side to beat me,
but the first 5 issues are all plot
establishment and the last issue
ends anti-climactically.

DARTH VADER
As you wish.

EXT. DEGOBAH

MARK greets YODA.

YODA
Frank Oz seems to have forgotten
how to do my voice. I now sound like
Miss Piggy if she were a
chainsmoking drunk.

MARK HAMILL
I'm here to complete my training.

YODA
Oh. Uh, I dunno I'm kind of tired. I
guess you're done. Have fun.

MARK HAMILL
Then I am a Jedi.

YODA
Ha ha, yeah, sure, whatever. You
have to fight Vader first.

MARK HAMILL
Er, but, last time you saw me you
told me I wasn't ready to face him.
And I haven't trained more since
then. So why am I ready to face him
now?

YODA
Arrrgh, leave me alone. You picked a
bad day to come, I decided this
morning I was going to die. Talk to
Alec, okay? Now **** off and go
home.

ALEC GUINESS
Hello Mark.

MARK HAMILL
You said my father was dead, man.

ALEC GUINESS
Ahh, well, when he became Darth
Vader the man who was your father
ceased to exist. So, technically,
Darth Vader killed your father. See?
It wasn't a lie.

MARK HAMILL
That's ****ing weak.

ALEC GUINESS
Oh yeah? Well Carrie is your
sister! Ha ha! You got an erection
from frenching your sister!

MARK HAMILL
(vomiting)
Oh gross!

INT. REBEL BASE

Everyone has met to plan an attack on the new DEATH STAR.

GUY WITH FISH HEAD
Ok, so we're gonna blow this up
again. It's being protected by a
shield on Endor. There you will see
cute little teddy bears. Good luck!

EXT. ENDOR

Everyone is making their way toward the DESTINATION.

CHEWBACCA
I'm going to repeatedly make
obnoxious sounds now. Nraaayh!

All HELL breaks loose and a race through the woods results.
We also get to see a little more evidence that stormtroopers
are complete ****ing morons.

Everyone is capured by EWOKS! The EWOKS think C3PO is a
god.

And more...

C3PO
I'd love to use this to our groups
advantage, but apparently I've been
specifically programmed not to
impersonate deities. This is a high
priority in my programming. God-
impersonating must be a serious
problem with protocol droids.
(pause)
I'll do it anyway, though. Just
don't ask me to impersonate clowns,
anchormen, or truckers. That is
strictly forbidden in my
programming.

MARK HAMILL
I'm going to go try to convert my
Dad. All of you can try to take down
the shield generator.

Everyone goes to destroy the generator. A huge battle ensues
between Imperial troops, the rebels, and the ewoks.

RABID STAR WARS FANS LIKE MYSELF
Ugh! This is the worst film in the
series! These Ewoks! They're so
childish and ridiculous and cutesy!

GEORGE LUCAS
Uh.. folks.. these ARE children's
movies, you know.

RABID STAR WARS FANS LIKE MYSELF
Quiet! They are mature space sagas!
Some of the greatest fantasy films
ever made!

MARK HAMILL
I'd just like to mention that
twenty minutes ago I had a deep
conversation about the meaning of
life with a green puppet. Anyway,
I'm off to convert my dad's
religion.

INT. DEATH STAR

MARK HAMILL
So, dad, whaddaya say we grab a
brewski, go bowling, and talk about
you not being such an ******* all
the time.

DARTH VADER
Uh.. gee.. I dunno.. maybe we should
ask the Emperor.

EMPEROR
Kill him.

DARTH VADER
Alright.

They FIGHT.

EMPEROR
You know.. I'm the one who gave the
rebels the location of the
generator.

MARK HAMILL
Er, you gave them the location of
the ACTUAL generator? Not some
decoy? I mean, isn't that pretty
stupid?

EMPEROR
Quiet! Don't sass your elders, boy!

DARTH VADER
Hey, anyone ever notice how I
sometimes talk and breathe at the
same time? Isn't that weird?

EXT. SPACE

BILLY DEE and CREW have a space battle which is not
particularly interesting.

EXT. ENDOR

HARRISON, CARRIE, CHEWBACCA, and a SHITLOAD OF EWOKS have a
battle which is stupid-looking and annoying.

INT. DEATH STAR

Interaction between MARK, VADER, and the EMPEROR continues.
We want MARK to win because he is the good guy, but if he
doesn't kill VADER he might be killed.. however, if he does
kill VADER the EMPEROR wins. He can't kill the EMPEROR
because VADER is protecting him. If he kills both, he gives
into hatred and goes to the dark side. The dynamic is
interesting and very tense. This cool, dark scene is
repeatedly interrupted by the OBNOXIOUS EWOK BATTLE and the
POINTLESS SPACE DOGFIGHT.

Eventually, the generator is destroyed. BILLY DEE can blow
up the DEATH STAR.

MARK HAMILL
Dad, come on man, be good.

DARTH VADER
No.
(pause)
Okay.

He kills the EMPEROR. The rebellion wins! Everything is
resolved!

MARK HAMILL
Well, it looks like we won. That is,
unless you read the books or comics.

GEORGE LUCAS
It's worse than that, actually.
Remember, I supposedly have plots
for three movies that take place
AFTER these three, which means some
huge conflict is still unresolved. I
won't make the movies, though. Hell,
I won't even tell anyone what I'm
thinking. Ha ha, **** you all!

END

That's it.

You have WAY too much time on your hands my friend.

Originally posted by Darth L. Dipsit
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

GEORGE LUCAS
Ok folks.. I guess I'll resolve
these numerous loose ends when the
next movie comes out.. in a few
years. Until then, play with action
figures. Oh, and when computers come
out I'm going to make a game called
Shadows of the Empire that looks
really cool because the first level
is a badass simulation of the Hoth
battle in this movie. I think I'll
make the rest of the game a piece of
shit, though.

END

The game was based on a book... The book was GREAT!

These things are so long! the PT was better though. WOA I never thought I would say that. but yea the PT ones were better. not the movies... Jokes... not movies...

It's because the movies had a HUGE amount more stuff to criticize. It's almost easy for people to poke fun at it with how ridiculous some of it is.

Originally posted by Darth L. Dipsit
It's because the movies had a HUGE amount more stuff to criticize. It's almost easy for people to poke fun at it with how ridiculous some of it is.

I just noticed that stuff and read it... OMG... I was dying laughing... that is hilarious!

I tip my hat to you sir you have given me what semes to be the better part of an hour or so worth of amuselent.

😆 Yep, Hillarious! 😆

Sidious: I love you all! Happy bunnies and treats for everyone!

Luke: screw the rebellion

Yoda: Look i have back pains ok? If you don't get out of my face i will force choke you!

Padme: I've been having an affair with obi wan.

Count Dukoo: Anakin i am so sorry for cutting off your hand! Come here so i can sew it back together for you.

Count Dukoo? That is as good as Ducko! HAHAHAHAHAHA... Sorry I couldn't help myself...

PS. You spelled it wrong!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
(Say whatever thw hell you want to, It'll be right)

Originally posted by Darth JLRTENJAC
Why did the chicken cross the road?
(Say whatever thw hell you want to, It'll be right)

Ok.