Chuck "The Badass" Norris [Merged]

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Originally posted by BackFire
When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Hot damn.

Vin Diesel's urine is the main ingredient in Yellow #6.

Chuck Norris solved a rubic's cube so fast someone watching exploded immediately.

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Vin Diesel and forgot to pay him back.

The only word in the English language that rhymes with "orange" is "Chuck Norris".

^ 😂

Mr. T is supposed to be on the American dollar bill, but the bill would become so valuable that no one but Mr. T could afford it.

There is a 11th commandment, edited out of the Bible, that says "None of the above applies to Mr. T."

Chuck Norris solved Pi. It actually ends with "CHUCK".

One time Chuck Norris went to the mall to tell Santa what he wanted for Christmas; a Jean-Claude Van Dam punching bag and a bucket full of screaming year old children. When Santa said he couldn't do it, Chuck Norris ate Santa's elves, ****ed Mrs. Claus and then roundhouse kicked Santa in the face.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Chuck Norris once beat Mike Tyson's Punch Out in the desert while trimming red hair from his taint with a box cutter. What? You say there are no outlets for the Nintendo in the desert? Tell that to Chuck Norris.

Vin Diesel doesn't count it as rape if you survive.

The only substance known to cut Vin Diesel is another Vin Diesel.

Every morning, Chuck Norris is woken up by a beautiful supermodel. Chuck Norris, however, likes to sleep late, so he usually pushes the snooze button. (Chuck Norris defines "push the snooze button" as "punch in the face".)

It is a myth that Cher and cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust. Only Chuck Norris’ beard can.

The newest episode of Fear Factor involved a staring contest with Chuck Norris. The episode was thrown out due to lawsuits including the contestants turning into stone.

Originally posted by Mando
One time Chuck Norris went to the mall to tell Santa what he wanted for Christmas; a Jean-Claude Van Dam punching bag and a bucket full of screaming year old children. When Santa said he couldn't do it, Chuck Norris ate Santa's elves, ****ed Mrs. Claus and then roundhouse kicked Santa in the face.

😆 😆 😆

The atomic bomb that hit Hiroshima was actually Chuck Norris's most severe and deadly martial arts move. That day he promised to never again do that move. A few days later it was confirmed Chuck Norris occasionally lies.

Originally posted by Mišt
😆 😆 😆

The atomic bomb that hit Hiroshima was actually Chuck Norris's most severe and deadly martial arts move. That day he promised to never again do that move. A few days later it was confirmed Chuck Norris occasionally lies.

So THAT's what we dropped out of the plane...

Chuck Norris built Rome in a day.

Originally Vin Diesel had a show on the food network, but after a mishap when he kicked it up too many notches, he was replaced by Emeril Legasse; Vin Diesel is still unwelcome at the food network.

Mr. T flushing his toilet is in fact what caused the tsunami in Indonesia

Chuck Norris can shoot rockets out of his penis. This bit of intelligence caused Russia to drop out of the Cold War.

Chuck Norris' sweat repels mosquitoes and other irritating insects, such as William Shatner.

Chuck Norris once took a dump and instead of containing bits of corn, it contained Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, and the girl from Blossum. 😆 😆 😆

Originally posted by Captain REX
The newest episode of Fear Factor involved a staring contest with Chuck Norris. The episode was thrown out due to lawsuits including the contestants turning into stone.

😆 😆

The very first CSI was going to be titled "CSI: Chuck Norris", but there was no crime scenes and no investigating. Just Chuck Norris kicking ass and being totally awsome. So they renamed it Walker, TR.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Chuck Norris, a preist, and a rabi waled into a bar. They both got their asses roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris.

Originally posted by Mando
😆 😆

The very first CSI was going to be titled "CSI: Chuck Norris", but there was no crime scenes and no investigating. Just Chuck Norris kicking ass and being totally awsome. So they renamed it Walker, TR.

😂

Mr. T does not have sex, for fear of splitting each woman in twain. He instead reproduces in a cloud of spores.

Very few women have survived sex with Chuck Norris. He ejaculates poison tipped arrows.