Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
The only difference between Chuck Norris and Superman is that Chuck Norris eats graded Kryptonite on his salad and pasta at The Olive Garden.
Vin Diesel once breast-fed a flamingo back to health.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris was about to ****in' kill it
One time Chuck Norris went camping in the woods. In the morning lumberjacks began to cut down what they thought was an oak tree but was instead Chuck with a terrible case of morning wood. None were seen from again.
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Everytime Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks someone an angel gets its wings. But Chuck Norris hates angels. So everytime an angel gets its wings it also gets a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once hit a baseball so hard that it traveled around the world five times and landed in the pitcher's glove. When the umpire called Chuck Norris out, he roundhouse kicked the umpire in the face, as well as a small child in the crowd just for fun.
As a youngster, Chuck Norris promised himself he wouldn't cry. Last year, his beloved mother died and a single tear fell out of his eye and down his cheek. He immediately roundhouse kicked himself for breaking his promise.
Chuck Norris only wears pants, because if he wore shorts his 32 inch penis would drag across the floor.
The temperature on Chuck Norris' testicles is 750 degrees celsius. That is because his sperm can breath fire and shit lightning.
In Chuck's earlier years he was abled to not only do a roundhouse kick but he could do it with his legs tied to his hands and an asian glued to his chest.
Chuck Norris took the Blue Pill and still found out the truth.
Chuck Norris is the reason Darth Vader ended up in a life support suit.
If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris's fully erect penis.
Chuck Norris is so fast he can turn off his bedroom light and be under the covers before the room gets dark.
Chuck Norris saw the movie, "The Polar Express," and immediately roundhouse kicked his 6 year old son in the face for convincing him to see it.
Sting once got roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris. The impact of the blow sent him half way into the pacific ocean. This ultimately resulted in the song "Message in a Bottle". When the album hit stores Chuck sued Sting on the premise of artistic inspiration, and won. The settlement was four cheeseburgers, a large coke, and another roundhouse kick to the face. The result this time was the song "Walking on the Moon".
Chuck Norris's penis is so massive that it has its own elbow. In conclusion, Chuck Norris can use his penis to karate chop midgets and handicapped midgets.
Chuck Norris found Waldo, beat the shit out of him, and chained him to a radiator so he couldn't ever run away again.
Chuck Norris scared God into giving men nipples. They are his targets.
For fun, Chuck Norris likes to visit Veterinary Hospitals. When asked if he has a sick pet, Chuck Norris flexes and says, "These pythons are pretty sick." He then kisses his pecks until all the ladies explode with orgasmic fury.
Chuck Norris thinks that cards are impersonal. To add his own brand of originality, he painstakingly makes a message out of tiny razors which he then attaches to his foot. When the lucky birthday boy/girl sees Chuck, he roundhouse kicks them in the stomach and delivers his well wishes in a present that will stay for life.
Chuck Norris is bound by law never to wink at any girl ages 14 to 32. The last time he did wink was when he was opening for a New Kids on the Block concert. As a result the 16,037 girls in attendence were imediately impregnated and each child had developed a red beard by the age of 5 days.
Chuck Norris has a pet chipmunk named Boris Norris. If you tell Chuck that it's cute that Boris rhymes with Norris, he rhymes "your head" with "roundhouse kick." He then gives Boris a cookie for his troubles.
If you shaved off Chuck Norris' beard, you would find a tattoo of an identical beard underneath.
In 1959 Stephen Hawking became the first and only person to outsmart Chuck Norris. He learned his lesson.
Chuck Norris IS the "I" in Team.
If you make a pinky swear with Chuck Norris and dont follow through with the promise he will hunt you down and roundhouse kick your pinkies into your eyes. Then he masturbates on you.
Chuck Norris constructed his own iPod by staring intensely at 10,000 country-western bands until they fearfully compacted themselves into a 2x4x1/2 inch white rectangle.
Chuck Norris put Humpty Dumpty back together again just so he could break him.
During a challenging game of "Operation" with his grandmother, Chuck Norris inadvertantly touched one of the sides due to a tickle from his massive beard while trying to remove the "Charlie Horse" game piece. Chuck Norris became so enraged, Chuck Norris stabbed and killed his grandmother with the tweezers Chuck Norris held in his hands. Chuck Norris was also flustered with the fact the the games character had no penis. Later, a Chuck Norris version of the game was released. Men died and women became pregnant upon sight of the gameboard.
Chuck Norris wipes his ass with broken glass.
Chuck Norris' penis is so large, that he in fact has to tie it around his left leg so that it doesn't get in the way of his round-house kick.
One time a little girl asked Chuck Norris for some spare change. He kidnapped her, ate her intestines, and published a novel about these events by the title "Where's Waldo".
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When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
Chuck Norris once hurled his body in the way of an 18 wheeler to save a baby, coincedently while performing his NFL style victory dance he spiked the baby into the ground and performed a perfect moonwalk
Once plugged into the Matrix, it took Chuck Norris 6 minutes to do what it took Neo 3 movies to accomplish. He also beat Super Mario Bros in under 60 seconds while he was there.
Chuck Norris is a master at Dance Dance Revolution. If you play him and lose, he roundhouse kicks you in the face which somehow breaks your legs.