Chuck "The Badass" Norris [Merged]

That sounds really painful.

Gravity dosen't exist. Mr. T just pities everything to stay the **** down. Birds and planes are exempt beacuse they are shaped like Ts.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Originally posted by Mišt
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

😆 😆

Chuck Norris once killed a 10,000 pound bear, tore it into 10,000 pieces, and then fed it to a school of salmon just because he enjoyed the irony.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris can only use condoms made out of titanium. Otherwise his sperm will roundhouse kick their way out of the latex.

Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.

Whenever Chuck Norris's wife asks him nicely to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris only maturbates to pictures of himself.

Chuck Norris always throws rock, if you throw paper you get his rock in your face.

A little boy once dressed up as Chuck Norris for Halloween. When he rang Chuck Norris' doorbell, Chuck Norris was so excited that he gave the boy the whole bowl of candy. Two seconds later he roundhouse kicked the boy in the face and took it back.

Chuck Norris's dick is the reason why Dakota Fanning's teeth are so messed up.

Everyone uses Google to find out facts about anything and everything. Google uses Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented Viagra, but only so the rest of us could dream of achieving his god-like libido.

Guns don't kill people.
Chuck Norris kills people.

The Big Bang was a result of Chuck Norris learning how to effectively use the roundhouse kick.

By the time Chuck Norris has finished shaving, his beard has grown back.

Mr. T actually weighs less than air itself, thus he must wear gold chains around his neck to weigh him down.

Vin Diesel touches himself at night. 😂 😂

Vin Diesel has saved your life because he hasn't murdered you yet.

Prince initially called "When Doves Cry" "When Chuck Cries." After several Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the sternum, he changed not only the title of the song, but his name as well.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas bilndfolded, while having sex with 3 women.

The movie Rambo: First Blood was inspired by Chuck Norris' experience as a boy scout.

geez how many of these things are there

Chuck Norris was trained by Bruce Lee, who was in turn trained by a time traveling Chuck Norris thus completing the circle.

Chuck Norris' idea for alternative fuel was rejected by the EPA because the main ingredients were bald eagle heads and faberge eggs

The most difficult fight of Chuck Norris' storied career pitted his left testicle against a buffalo in a cage match. Chuck was born right-testicled, but he spent countless hours training to make himself ambitesticled so as not to have a weakness in battle. Despite that, the toughest part of the match was that the rules stipulated that Chuck was not allowed to actually enter the cage. Chuck was forced to stand outside and push his testicle through the bars. 14 hours into the fight, Chuck's testicle landed a roundhouse kick that put the buffalo into a coma. Chuck vowed then and there never to fight with his testicle again.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.

It is a commonly held belief of the Jewish faith that, as a mere babe, Chuck Norris was separated from his mother in a blizzard. To this day, he hates snow so much that he roundhouse kicks each individual snowflake. The concussive force makes them all unique.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

The "Mythbusters" once tested to see if Chuck Norris' beard was actaully indestructable. The only thing busted that day were the mythbuster's heads after repeated roundhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris was raised by Lowland Gorillas and returns to Africa once a year to mate and reassert his dominance over the rest of the tribe through a complex series of grunts, chest thumping and roundhouse kicks.