The Unforgivable Diaries Of DMC!

Right then kiddies, lets get back to it 😄

Johnny

Day Forty Four

dear ichy

OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!

3am she burst through my cabin door this morning!!!

I wouldnt mind but i'd only got in from filming at 2!!!

She barged in here like john wayne in a movie western...with her bloody stuffed unicorns in toe!!!

Insufferable woman! I thought id gotten rid of her but apparently she insists on staying on my yacht for WAY longer than she even thinks she is!

Apparently i have a 'debt to pay' ... she makes herself sound like someone from the mafia or something!
...She's kipping on my couch at the moment....my plush red leather couch that only I have ever slept on!!

Doesnt she know that people will start talking???
Ive already got some glares from Orli and Jack...apparently they have spare bedrooms in their trailors she could sleep in...

but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
She has to be the bane of my existance!!

Bloody nuisance....

But atleast shes asleep now...shes best like that

lol or maybe shes pretending to be asleep lol

jack d

Day forty four

dear norrie

Me and my love have adopted a chameleon....He changes color when hes under attack...hes so cute!!

I think we're calling him Iggy...at the moment hes sitting in his cage , licking his lips and looking at me with an odd expression on his face...

i asked my sweetheart if he was a cannibal...but she protested that in order for him to be a cannibal he had to be human...fair point...

but there THIS something odd about him....

My beloved said she wants to adopt a sheep next...
Apparently one of her strange and not-so-sane friends - ( honestly its all down to the parents...i mean, who calls a kid Bwa ha ha ???)
- currently owns one called 'Ichy' ....she said it would be good for the little tyke to have a play mate....

I would protest...but i DO love lamb chops!!!!

I had a quiet drink with Orlando last night...he told me his love life was amazing at the moment....

...But it wouldnt be so good if Miss Mina ever found out that Orlando WASNT Johnny.....Because hes not, hes orlando and it would be very confusing if Orlando wasnt orlando and was infact johnny because that would mean-

whoa whoa whoa!

NOTED TO SELF:
dont think so much...

I think i've just brought on another migrane...

lmao love is so confusing 😄

Keira

Day forty Five

Dear Mr Snuggles - thats right! Ive gotten rid of the long assed name!!!!

Today has been the day from hell....

I woke up to the smell of pancakes and strawberries and so many delicious smells that my nostrils felt like they had died and gone to synus heaven...

Unfortunately none of those smells were for me...
i was stuck with a piece of bread and some butter on the side...

thats dinner service a-la-Depp for you....hes not a very good host, and he deffinately doesnt make you feel welcome...especially when he's throwing yesterdays underwear in your face to wake you up!!!

He told me i had two days and then that was it, I'm either;

A. Going in a home
B. Going in a bin
C. Going to live with orli.

....ANYTHING BUT THE LAST ONE!!!!!

Me and Orli had that kissing scene today...with the sand whipping us every 5 minutes...it was SO un-romantic!

Hi mind seemed on other things..and so was mine when i spotted his latest conquest standing at the sidelines and glaring at me...

...that was until she looked over at Johnny, and then looked back at Orlando...it looked like something had clicked....

And then everything was up in the air!
Including Orlando!

The tiny little girl beat the CRAP out of him!!!!
.....And she spoke alot of spanish, which i am going to say was alot of curse words....

...Apparently Orli had tried to pass himself off as johnny to firey Peuto rican....

I cant see how she couldnt see the difference myself...i mean...

Johnny is well....johnny

and Orli is well....erm....yeah...lets not go there

I'm going out tonight on the town with Kev, Orli, Jack and johnny...
only johnny doesnt know yet....

that should be fun .....

...i know you cant see what im doing ... but im rubbing my hands together in glee...

LMAO LMAO Continue please 😄😄

Orlando

Day forty six

dear nobody!

I'm officially a 'no one'

We went out tonight to 'flares' to get into the VIP area...and I was the only one NOT RECOGNISED!!!!!

I asked the others to stay on the outside of the rope with me...but they buggered off inside and left me to fend for myself!!

..on the upside i bumped into my Little Chiki again...and she apologised for the bruises to my oh-so-pretty face...and the one on my -you-know-where's ....

We ended up dancing, and even though she now knows my new identity, she STILL let me buy her drinks all night long and she even gave me 1 digit of her phone number everytime i bought her a glass of champagne...

Ah, it feels like love...

and at the same time i can feel a hole in my pocket from where my money used to be....

HA! And they say you can't buy love....boy were they wrong!!!

Anyway, about three hours later the rest of the gang came out from the VIP area....

Its amazing...keira may be tiny but it took 2 men to carry her out of the club!!!

She was so drunk she vomited allover Johnny's VERY expensive shoes...and then laughed because her puke was pink!

Kev and Jack carried her the rest of the way whilst johnny made barfing sounds behind them...which only made Keira barf for real to everyones annoyance but johnnys....he thought it was hilarious....

jack got clocked by his lady-love on the way home.
Apparently her and Iggy had been waiting up ALLLLL night for him to come home....
Now thats as 'under the thumb' as you can get, ladies and gentlmen!!

Kev and I left johnny to take keira inside his yacht...he didnt like the idea much because he begged us to stay with him...especially when he realised that being on a rocky boat AND being drunk was never two good things put together....

We had other plans however....we went skinny dipping!

Jack D

day forty seven

dear norrie

Just been down to the police station to bail out Orlando...

WHO GOES SKINNY DIPPING IN AN OCEAN THAT IS MANNED BY POLICE MEN EVERY NIGHT?!

Apparently Kev was also an accomplice...but he ran away bollock naked before the police caught him.
They said Orlando was found cowering in a corner, trying to conceal his modesty behind a small figleaf...the ironic thing is that it was actually small enough to cover the 'whole thing' ...or so im told.

The bail money wasnt too high considering the extent of the crime....but apparently the police were unaware of who he was...
the weird thing was that he tried to make the bail money HIGHER;

"I will not be bought for such a low price!"

If it was any higher i would have left him there...

No one has seen kev yet....but apparently some local fishermen claim to have seen a 'white ape' hiding in a nearby forest...

two guesses for who that will be....

Meanwhile i have some problems of my own...

Iggy is obsessed with me and My Dearly beloved has only gone and bought the bloody sheep!

Its like living in a zoo....and not in a good way

lmao never get tired of reading this.

johnny

day forty seven

dear ichy

I'm extremely exhausted and irritated.

ALL NIGHT i stayed up with that girl to make sure she didnt barf on herself and die in the night!

She made seven consecutive toilet trips...the other ones didnt quite make it that far...so im getting a new rug...and a new couch...and a new television .... and a new 'jack sparrow' wig considering she tried to use it as a mop....

I feel all brotherly now...ive been in worse states myself and not managed to remember it in the morning...but heres hoping she DOES remember because it would be so funny to take the piss!

I left her there when i knew she wasnt going to regurgitate her food, and went to film for the day....when suddenly i was accosted by a WHITE APE running at me fullspeed and only stopping once he had collided with me!

We fell to the floor in a complete and utter mess...and then shot up and snatched the quilt from Keira who was slowly gaining consciousness....

I did wonder exactly HOW kev had got himself into this mess...but at the end of the day i didnt want to know....not in the slightest.

Apparently the amount of flesh on show was too much for keira, who promptly feinted back onto the pillows again...

well atleast she was doing something besides tossing her cookies...

Keira

Day forty seven

Dear Mr Snuggles

OMG my head!

I want to open my skull and pull out my brain and then pet it and stroke it until its better...

Johnny called in sick for me...apparently he had to bring the boat into dock last night because the tide was too rough and i would have been in trouble from dying by my own puke...

He asked me if i remembered anything....and i had to declare that i remembered nothing...

So then he broke the news to me...

I DECLARED MY UNDYING LOVE FOR HIM AND HOW MUCH I WANTED TO MARRY HIM AND SPEND MY LIFE CATERING TO HIS EVERY NEED!!

Why would i do that??
HOW could i think that??

Stupid bloody alcohol!

I hope vanessa doesnt hear about this....apparently shes got a good right hook on her...

I'm NEVER drinking my body weight AND kev's boy weight in alcohol EVER again!

I cant look at johnny now...he keeps smirking at me... like hes re-living the momories everytime he smiles....

@$$hole!!!!

I think we just both need to forget about it and move on....

LOOOL

omg sorry out of subject. But Im being stalked lol.

johnny

Day forty seven

dear ichy

...............she's so gullible.................

your being stalked?!?!

by who!!

By a user named um TM something T something. He said that I was sexy. ass hole.

WST wrote on Oct 22nd, 2006 04:42 PM:
i jus wanted to say i read ur profile and i think u sound realli sexy babe

WST is hes name.

lmao he messaged me saying exactly the same thing!

Just ignore him or block him 🙂

Ive chosen to ignore him because how the hell can anyone think your sexi from a profile ?!

Insane i tell you....🙂

OMFG!! He went crazy over me bc he added me through msn and saw my pic!! I was like who the hell is this. He offered sex and shit!! OO THAT LIL CABRON!! THAT CABEZA DE CULO!!!!!!!!!! I hate that!!!!! Im gonna get my machete and chop whats left of his balls!!

lmao!! go chiki!! 😄

and chop off the other one from me!!

my bf would flip if he saw someone msning me like that!!!

Orlando

Day forty seven

Dear nobody

I'm a new man.

After sharing a cell with Hairy-back Mary for a night, i realised (Whilst snuggled against his masculine bosom) that i should enjoy the finer things in life.

I'll NEVER go skinny dipping again but hey;

it was an experience...

granted; on that i will NEVER want to experience again for the unfortunate chance of being another whipping boy for a night... but i think it did me some good.

And atleast I'm being recognised now...

My ass was LITERALLY spread across the front pages of EVERY newspaper in the caribbean....and thanks to that, my ass has been well and truly noticed by the public!!

I'm finally getting the recognition that i deserve!

I truly belive that one day my ass will be more famous than johnnys...

even though hes never actually shown his...

i bet he wishes he'd had the balls to skinny dipp now!!!