KIDS IN CHURCH
>
> 3-year-old Reese:
>
> "Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
>
> Harold is His name. Amen."
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A little boy was overheard praying:
>
> "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm
> having a
> real good time like I am."
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the
> way
> home in the back seat of the car.
>
> His father asked him three times what was wrong.
>
> Finally, the boy replied,
>
> "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I
> wanted
> to stay with you guys."
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> One particular four-year-old prayed,
>
> "And forgive us our trash baskets
>
> as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to
> church
> service,
>
> "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
>
> One bright little girl replied,
>
> "Because people are sleeping."
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
>
> The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their
> mother
> saw
> the opportunity for a moral lesson.
>
> "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
>
> 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
>
> Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
>
> "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son
> ran
> up
> to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay
> dead in
> the sand.
>
> "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
>
> "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
>
> The boy thought a moment and then said,
>
> "Did God throw him back down?"
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A wife invited some people to dinner.
>
> At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
>
> "Would you like to say the blessing?"
>
> "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
>
> "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
>
> The daughter bowed her head and said,
>
> "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah"
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at
school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for
my birthday.
Leroy
Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.
He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 5:
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND
THE BIKE.
Signed
YOU KNOW WHO
A few minutes before the services started, the people were seated in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a single word?", asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And yet you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
>>A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his
>>priest, "I
>>almost had an affair with another woman."
>>
>>The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
>>
>>The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
>>then I
>>stopped."
>>
>>The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
>>You're
>>not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's
>>and
>>put $50 in the poor box."
>>
>>The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
>>over
>>to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The
>>priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
>>that. You
>>didn't put any money in the poor box!"
>>
>>The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
>>according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
>>There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
>>entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
>>sinned."
>>
>>The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
>>
>>The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate
>>love to
>>me seven times."
>>
>>The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a
>>glass
>>and drink the juice."
>>
>>The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
>>
>>The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
>>company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
>>and
>>asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the
>>poor
>>creature?"
>>
>>Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for
>>an
>>animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
>>there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for
>>the
>>creature." Muldoon said,
>>
>>"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to
>>them for the service?"
>>
>>Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
>>tell
>>me the dog was Catholic?"
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
>>ensues:
>>
>>Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
>>children,
>>grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two
>>college
>>girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of
>>them
>>three times."
>>
>>Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
>>
>>Man: "What sins?"
>>
>>Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
>>
>>Man: "I'm Jewish."
>>
>>Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
>>
>>Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."
Happening to be the second most awesome magazine in existence here a Cracked article on badass Bible verses, funny, yet hardly insulting.
http://www.cracked.com/article_15699_9-most-badass-bible-verses.html
"lmao @ mohammed reading guns n ammo.
better be careful with those kinds of jokes tho. that's how people get blown up."------red g jacks
Lmao too! I think Muslims need to get to the back of the line behind Jews, Christians, Hindus, Buddhists, Scientologists, Mormons, and pretty much everyone else whose faith is ridiculed.
* i got one:
Three mountaineers - a Muslim, a Buddhist & a Catholic - were cornered to the edge of a cliff by a bunch of cannibals. Knowing there's nowhere else to go, they decided to jump off and leave everything to their respective faith.
The Muslim was the first to jump off and yelled, "To Allah and Mohammed!!!". His voice echoed followed by a thud.
The Buddhist was next. He jumped off lightly, did a sitting position in the air, and chanted, "Buddha... Buddha... Buddha..." and he safely floated away.
The Catholic marvelled at what happened, but was a bit challenged. He jumped off and yelled, "To my god and my pope!" After a few seconds realizing he was really falling, the Catholic quickly chanted, "Buddha... Buddha... Buddha..." and he also safely floated away.
*winks at Shakya* 😛
A bad man died and went to hell. Satan greeted him and offered him to choose one of the three types of punishment he will undergo for eternity. From there, Satan introduced three rooms and said that he too is justice so he let the man listen through the three doors of punishment. Room A was very scary: he heard several voices agonizing in pain. Room B was also eerie: he heard several voices cursing and vomiting. Room C was amazingly quiet. The man quickly chose the last one. But before Satan led him to Room C, he let the man peek at the rooms he did not choose.
Room A - several sinners were tied and demons blasts hellfire to their bodies and their flesh was tear out, only skeleton were left. And because it's for eternity, their flesh went back again, and was blasted again and again and again. That's the reason why the man heard several voices agonizing in pain.
Room B - the whole room was filled with feces and only the sinners' heads appear. That's the reason he heard several voices cursing and vomiting.
Room C - same as Room B, but only the sinners' feet appear. 😛
Originally posted by Bardock42Good stuff.
Happening to be the second most awesome magazine in existence here a Cracked article on badass Bible verses, funny, yet hardly insulting.http://www.cracked.com/article_15699_9-most-badass-bible-verses.html