A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."
A bloke received the following text from his neighbour:
I'm so sorry Bob, I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I've been tapping your wife, day and night, when you've not been around. In fact, more than you.
I don't get it at my house, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The husband, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Sorry Bob, I meant "wifi" not "wife"
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging Out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without Missing a beat, blurts out....
"Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!"
Paddy marrooned on desert island finds the usual bottle in the sand picks it up and takes the top off.
WHOOSH, Genie escapes and happily turns to our Irish hero and utters the normal "I will grant you 3 wishes"
Paddy doesnt need to think about it and promptly retorts "I'll 'ave a Guinness"
Genie duly obliges and adds "now listen 'ere Mick this is no ordinary pint of Guinness drink it back in one go"
Paddy hastily quaffs his drink then stands back in amazment as his glass immediately refills.
"Its a never ending pint" the genie tells him "it will never ever empty. Now you still have a couple of wishes left".
Paddy once again straight in "Anudder 2 of these please".