So i heard this joke..,.

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's. Nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so smashed I could hardly push his stroller back home.

drunk

😆

Bad day today.
I was walking my little dog, Willy, but he got off his leash and I lost him. I searched the streets all morning. When I saw a school playground I jumped over the wall and asked the children if they had seen him.

And that, officer, is when things started to go wrong.

---

As my wife and I were leaving for a night out the babysitter told us to take as long as we like.

That was five years ago.

I hope she's enjoying being a parent.

---

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!" Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

^^^Heh heh heh!!!

nice 🙂

Cherrios; the funny doritos

Arriving home from work last night, I saw my son and daughter sat in silence, so asked what was wrong.

"Nothing's wrong, daddy" my daughter replied. "We're playing a game."

"What's the game?" I asked.

"Marriage" my son sighed.

---

Out in space two aliens are speaking with each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves.

---

I know I shouldn't but I always want to compare the women I meet to my late wife.

Although they normally run out of the house screaming before I can get her out from under the floorboards.

Hehe

Haha!

Lem: "I got fired from my job as a bank guard."
Clem: "That's awful. What happened?"
Lem: "Well, a thief came in, and I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it."
Clem: "What did the thief do then?"
Lem: "He took one more step, so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyway.”

---

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

---

Why didn't the Spy cross the road?
Because he never really was on your side.

This is GREAT!

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldnt change color?
He had a reptile dysfunction.

Originally posted by riv6672
This is GREAT!

A Polish bloke drinks his beer and throws his glass into the air, pulls a pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Poland our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice".

A Pakistani, impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots his glass to pieces. He says, "In Pakistan we have so much sand to make glasses we don't need to drink out of the same glass either".

The Brit, not to be outdone, drinks his pint, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his pump action shot gun, blasts the Pole and the Paki and catches his glass. He says "In Britain we've got that many Poles & Pakis that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice. God save the Queen."

hehe christ thatts good

An old man goes to his Doctor for some tests. His doctor tells him he'll need a sperm sample.

So the doctor hands over a bottle for the sample, and tells the old man to return in a few days time.

A few days later, the old man returns with an empty bottle, the doctor asks why.

"I tried everything." He replied, "right hand nothing, left hand nothing."

"So I got the wife to have a go, right hand nothing, left hand nothing, teeth in nothing, teeth out nothing."

"We even got Dorothy from next door to have a try, right hand nothing, left hand nothing, teeth in nothing, teeth out nothing."

"It was no good, we just couldn't get the bastard lid off!!"

HAHAHAH HA HA HAH HE

How is one of these piles...

...not like the others?

Its a difference of a piñon.

Ha, a pinon...that's funny.

So the Nevada ones are bigger?