So i heard this joke..,.

Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.

Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

^^^Bazinga!!!

Did you post this one already? I'm too lazy to check...

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.

"One Marine is better than ten taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Marine is better than one hundred taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune.

Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,

"Don't send any more men, its a trap! There's two of them!"

hahaha hha hah hahaha ha hah ha

omg I laughed so hard at this

Originally posted by riv6672
Did you post this one already? I'm too lazy to check...

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.

"One Marine is better than ten taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Marine is better than one hundred taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune.

Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,

"Don't send any more men, its a trap! There's two of them!"

Riv. You are a cold hearted insensitive bastard.....and that's why I live you!

🤣

Thanks guys! 😄

Q. What’s the difference between Elvis and Osama Bin Laden? A. Osama is a dead man! Q. What do Monica Lewinsky and Osama Bin Laden have in common? A. They both blew a power structure!! To catch Osama Bin Laden, Grandpa sez: Spray Afghanistan with Viagra and the little prick will pop up! Q. Why does Osama Bin Laden collect goat shit? A. Because it’s a great growing culture for anthrax, and it makes terrific deodorant. Q. Why did Osama fire Martha Stewart? A. She was unable to find fabric that went with stalagmites. Q. What do you call a Taliban with a goat and a sheep? A. Bisexual. Q. Why did the Taliban school alternate Sex Education classes with Drivers Ed.? A. They only had one camel. Q. What’s another name for the DaisyCutter bomb? A. The TaliWhacker. Q. Why do the Taliban wear robes? A. A goat can hear a zipper a mile away. - See more at: http://www.funnyandjokes.com/taliban-jokes.html#sthash.tboJshAR.dpuf

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two, but didn't have a lot of money between them.
They could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.”
He went next door to the butcher's shop, and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”
Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”

He went into the pub, where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness, and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!”
Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!”
They downed their Drinks.

Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper, and you go on your knees, and put it in your mouth.”
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!”
Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in!!”

Back in the days of the Klondike Gold Rush. A grizzled up old Miner 49'er runs into a saloon and starts whooping and hollering.

"YeeHaaa I just struck it rich!" he proclaims.

The Bartender looks at him and says "Good for you Old Timer"

"Yessiree I sure is rich. And being rich Gimme yer best 2 Bottles of Beer and you meanest toughest, orneriest Whore ya got!" The 49 says.
The Bartender hands him two bottles and says to go upstairs and knock on Door #4.
The 49'ner runs up the stairs and kicks open the door.
Standing there is a naked woman. She is the most beautiful sight the old 49'ner has ever seen.
"YEEEHAAAWW" yells the old man. "They tell me your the roughest meanest ,and toughest Whore in the Joint!
"I sure am" she says and with that she bends over and grabs her knees.
"YEEEHAWWW" yells the old 49'ner. "How in tarnation did you know that was my favorite position" he askes her.

"I didn't" she tells him "I just thought you might like to open them bottles.

hehe the last two jokes got to me

I like the miner one. 👆

Originally posted by riv6672
I like the miner one. 👆

...... 💃

I'm sure people have heard variations of this one:

A man who has just moved to Texas is unpacking and hears a knock at the door. He answers to find a redneck standing there. He says he is there to welcome him as a new neighbor, and says he will throw a party to celebrate this new arrival. He tells the man there will be a lot of drinking, a lot of eating, and a lot of f*cking.

The man said "great, can I bring anything?" to which the redneck replies "you can bring whatever you want..it's just gonna be you and me".

While walking down the street one day, a U.S.Democrat senator is, tragically, hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there’s a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the Democrat.

“Well, I’d like to,” says St. Peter, “but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you’ll be allowed to choose where to spend eternity.”

“Seriously? Then, I’ve made up my mind,” says the senator. “I want to be in heaven.”

“I’m sorry, but I have my orders.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him in days gone by.

Everyone is very happy. They’re dressed nicely and having a great time. They run to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the taxpayers. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it’s time to go visit heaven.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp, singing and worshipping the Almighty God. They have a good time and — before he realizes it — the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well now, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, and then he answers: “Well, I would never have said this before … I mean heaven has been delightful … but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it into black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

“I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday, I was campaigning. Today you’ve already voted.”

Surtur and Fly, i'm stealing both of those! 😆

A zookeeper, wanting to expand his zoo, wrote to an animal supplier.

"Dear Sir, Please send me two mongooses" Not certain he was correct, he crumpled up the letter and rewrote "Dear Sir, Please send me two mongeese." Still dissatisfied, he wrote anew: "Dear Sir, Please send me one mongoose. While you're at it, send me another."

John is sitting in a bar, feeling buzzed & raunchy, spots a well-endowed young woman a few tables from him.
"Show me your boobs!!", he yells.
She stands up and lifts her shirt. The man turns away in disgust. His friend Hank enters a few minutes later and sees the woman.
"Look at the rack on her!" he exclaims.
"I know what you're thinking but don't..." John starts.
"I wanna see the puppies!!" Hank hollers, cutting him off.
Again, she obliges and both men turn away feeling sick.
A gentleman sitting with the woman gets up & walks over to them and asks "Would you quit asking to see her breasts?"
The two men look at the floor in shame. "Sorry, but it's just that..." Hank starts.
"Yes, I know. They're huge and seem like heaven. I nearly threw up the first time, as well."
John, puzzled, says "The first time?"
"Yes," he responds, "She's my wife. Just be glad you don't have to help her shave them."

Am I thinking that a Wolf Call would be apropos for that Joke?

That was funnier than that time Bardock went to Japan and asked "where are the subtitles?"

So, I was walking through the mall, and saw that there was a Muslim Book Store. I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim book store so I went on in.

I was wandering around taking a look and the clerk stopped me asked if he could help me, I imagine I didn’t look like his normal clientele.

So I asked for a copy of the Australian Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims.

The Clerk said, “F*ck off, get out, and stay out !”

I said, “Yes, that's the one. Do you have that in paperback?”