Two guys from Detroit, Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know."
A guy is driving around the back woods of the Florida panhandle and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He stops, goes up to the shanty, knocks on the screen door, and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.
A man and a woman are in adjacent seats on an airplane. The woman sneezes, then shudders violently.
Finally, the man asks the woman what’s wrong. She says, “I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition. When I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”
The man says, “I’ve never heard of that. What are you taking for it?”
"Pepper."
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around WalMart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "I’m so sorry. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife also and I can't find her. I'm getting a little worried."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, long blonde hair, beautiful, and is wearing shorts. What does your wife look like?”
The old guy says, “Doesn’t matter. Let's look for yours.”
After the Easter Sunday egg hunt, a farm boy played a prank by going to the chicken coop and replaced every egg with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later, the rooster strutted in, saw the brightly colored eggs, stormed outside, and beat the crap out of the peacock.
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An old farmer was helping a calf out of a laboring cow. With a great deal of pulling and no small amount of blood the calf was finally pulled free.
When the calf had finally stood and the farmer was cleaning up, he noticed his grandson, visiting from the city had been watching. Not knowing what his grandson knew about the birds and the bees he asked, "Do you have any questions about what happened here?'
The kid was still staring wide eyed. "Just one. How fast was that calf going when he hit that back of that cow?"
There was a guy who lived in Ohio. One morning he hears a voice "Quit your Job. Sell your house, take all your money and move to Las Vegas" it says. The man ignores it. Later in the day the man hears the voice again. "Quit your job. Sell your house, take all your money and move to Las Vegas" it says. The man ignores it again. Before long the man is hearing the voice every minute of every day. 'Quit your job. Sell your house, take all your money and move to Las Vegas" It says continuously. He can't take it any more. He follows its advice and does exactly what it says. He quits his job. He sells his house. He gathers up all his money and then flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he gets off the plan he hears the voice. "Go to Caesar's Palace" . He goes to that casino.
The Voice says "Make your way to the roulette table"
He goes to the roulette table.
"Put all your money on Red 23" it says.
He puts all his money on Red 23.
The roulette dealer spins the wheel.
It lands on Black 17.
The Voice says. "FHUUUCKK!!!
Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two big guys wearing hoodies arrive. Saint Peter looked out through the Gates and said, “Wait here. I’ll be right back.” Saint Peter goes over to God’s chambers and tells him who is waiting at the entrance. God says to Peter, “How many times do I have to tell you that you can’t be prejudiced and judgmental here. This is Heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!”
Saint Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God’s chambers and says, “Well they’re gone.”
“The guys wearing the hoodies?'” asked God.
“No. The Pearly Gates”