So i heard this joke..,.

Traveling salesman walks into a diner, hungry, beat.

Looks up at the menu on the wall, which reads:

- Hamburgers: $2.50
- Cheeseburgers: $3.25
- Handjobs: $3.50

...Does a double-take, but that's what the sign says.

A very perky counter girl--not a stunner, but cute enough--says: "What can I get for you today, sir?"

Guy responds: "Is...I mean...if I wanted a handjob, I could get one right here for only a quarter more than the price of a cheeseburger?"

Counter gal says: "Thaaat's right. We've been providing this safe service since 1979."

Man goes: "And...from whom might I be receiving this handjob?"

Gal says: "Since it's my shift, that'd be me!"

Guy stares at her. "Then go wash your f-ckin' hands and make me a cheeseburger."

Two nuns named Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..."

eh

If i had a dollar for every racist joke in this thread...

...I'd get mugged by a black guy!

😂

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive...they'd eventually find me attractive.

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday...

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave.”

D'OH!!! 😂

oh god i need to use this !

may i nuke?

A patient asks the proctologist, "Where should I put my pants?"

"Right there, beside mine." Wasn't the answer he was looking for.

A hunter spots a small brown bear and shoots it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around, and is face to face with a big black bear. ‘You’ve got two choices,’ says the bear. ‘I maul you, or we have sex.’
The guy opts to take it from the bear. After recovering for two weeks, the pissed-off hunter searches out and shoots the big black bear. Just then he feels another tap on his shoulder, and turns to see a 10-foot grizzly standing over him.
‘Admit it,’ says the bear. ‘You don’t come here for the hunting, do you?’

^^^Heh heh heh....✅

Two families move from India to America. When they arrive, the
fathers make each other a bet -- in a year's time, whichever family has become more American will win.
A year later when they meet again, the first guy says, "My son's playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a a case of Bud for tonight. How about you?"

The second guy says: "Screw you, towel-head!"

Ok. That one made laugh.

Three cowboys are sitting around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie, talking about the bravado for which each is famous.

The guy from Wyoming says, 'I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.'

The guy from Colorado couldn't stand to be bested.

That's nothing, 'I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed it with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache.

The cowboy from Texas remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

Andre was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff. "OK, Andre how about George Clooney?" Andre replied: "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Andre and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on George Clooney's door and sure enough, George Clooney shouts: "Andre! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Andre's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Clooney's house, he tells Andre that he thinks him knowing Clooney was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Andre says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Andre says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Clinton spots Andre on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Andre, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Andre, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Andre. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Andre and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Andre says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Andre emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Andre returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss's side, Andre asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said: "Who the f*ck's that on the balcony with Andre?"

Haha! Worth the read...👆

A chicken walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve chickens here. Try the place across the road.”

An egg walks into a bar, looks around and sees the place is empty. The egg says to the bartender, “Looks like I beat everyone here this morning.” Bartender says, “Not really. The chicken came first.”

I laughed out loud!

A roll of duct tape walks in to a bar. Bartender asks. "What will you have" Duct Tape says. " I will just stick to my usual."