A Polish farmer is ploughing his field when he hits an obstruction in the soil - a dirty old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it to clean it off, and a genie appears in a puff of smoke.
"Thank goodness you found my lamp I was getting bored," says the Genie. "I will grant you any three wishes you desire."
The farmer thinks and thinks and finally says: "I want the Mongols to invade Poland... and then go home."
The genie looks confused, but he shrugs, and snaps his fingers, and the Mongols invade. They rampage through the country, looting and pillaging... and then they go home.
"OK," says the genie, "that was your first wish. What else do you want?"
"I want the Mongols to invade Poland again... and then go home."
The genie sighs. "Fine, it's your wish, I guess." He snaps his fingers again, and the Mongols return. They set the farmhouse on fire, and steal the chickens, and then they go home.
"And what is your final wish?" asks the genie.
"I want the Mongols to invade Poland again, and then go home," says the farmer without hesitation.
So the Mongols invade once again, and steal everything that isn't nailed down. They steal the farmer's old wife, and his plough, and rough him up a bit, and then they leave.
As they are both standing in the smoking, ransacked ruins of the farmhouse, the genie says: "OK, I have to know. What the hell was that about? You could have wished for anything in the whole world, and you had the Mongols invade your own country three times, and totally destroy it. Why?!"
The farmer looks very pleased with himself. "Well, you see, in order to invade us three times and go home, they had to go through Russia six times!"
A twenty-something disabled girl with no arms or legs is sitting in her wheelchair one day in a park. All of a sudden she starts to cry. A man walking by sees this and walks up to her. He then asks her why she is crying. She replies "I'm nearly thirty years old and I've never been fvcked! Will you help me?"
The man can't resist her, she's weak, helpless and bawling her eyes out. So he agrees.
He proceeds to push the chair and says that they're going to go somewhere special. They soon arrive at a nearby beach and the man hires a small boat. "How romantic", the girl says. The man lifts the girl out of her chair and seats her in the boat. They then row out some distance.
"I told you I would help you and now I will." The man gets up and the girl has a look of excitement on her face. The man picks her up and throws her overboard. "NOW your fvcked!" he says and starts to row away.
A guy decided that he wanted to be a black guy. So he goes to the doctor to find out what kind of surgeries need to be done. The doctor outlines a plan of skin darkening, penis extension, hair-curling, etc... Then, when all this is done, the most important part of the operation is to be done, cutting out half the guy's brain.
So, the guy goes for it, all the operations are done flawlessly until the brain surgery. During the brain surgery, an earthquake rocks the hospital and causes the surgeon's hand to slip. He accidently cuts out 3/4 of the brain instead of 1/2. The surgeon corrects the problem as much as he is able, but not much can be done to reattach the severed brain. So he closes him up and waits to see the results.
Later, the guy wakes up and the surgeon comes in to ask him questions. "Mr. Johnson, can you hear me?"
"Si."
While enjoying a drink with his mate one night,ryan decides to try his luck with an attractive lady sitting by the bar.She lets him join her for a drink and to his surprise asks him to accompany him home.They spend the night hard at it.Finally they finish;Ryan rolls off,pulls out a cigarette and looks for his lighter.
He asks his new love if she has a light.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer",she replies.
Opening the drawer he finds some matches on top of a framed photo of another man.Naturally he begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he enquires nervously.
"No,silly" she replies.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No",she replirs,snuggling up to him.
"Who is he then?"
"Thats me,before the operation!"
There are three blondes stuck on an island, they had been there for a few days, when they stumbled across a magical lamp. One of the blondes rubs the lamp and sure enough a genie pops out and says I will grant each of you a wish. The first blonde says, make me smart so I can think of a way to get off this island. He points his finger at her, and she turns into a redhead, after a few mins she heads towards the water and swims away. The next blonde says, make me even smarter than her so I can get off this island. So he points his finger and she becomes a brunette, and she builds a boat and sets sail. The last one says make me smarter than both of them combined, and he points his finger at her and turns her into a man, the man then walks across the foot bridge to the other side.