So i heard this joke..,.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

2 cows in a field, one says to the other "you heard about that mad cow disease? The other cow replies "doesn't f*cking bother me, I'm a fish!"

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Ooh, you bastich! 😂

If it makes them laugh in pain. Its worth it.

My kid loved it. 👆

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law go on holiday to the Holy Land. While they are there the mother-in-law dies.
The local undertaker tell this guy, "You can have her shipped home for $10,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $50.00."
The man thinks for a minute, and tells the undertaker to packer up and ship her home. The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend $10,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only $50.00?".
The man replied, "A guy died here 2000 years ago, he was buried and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Oh snap! 😂

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

Oh thats jacked up!

A man goes into a drugstore and says to the druggist, "I need some birth control for my eleven-year-old daughter."

"Is your little girl sexually active?" asks the druggist.

"Nah, she just lays there like her mother."

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks
the assistant for an inflatable doll.

"Would you like male or female?"

"Female, please."

"Would you like Black or White?"

"White, please."

"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

This question confused the man, so he asked,
"What has the religion got to do with it? It's an
inflatable doll!"

"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows
itself up!"

Whats the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?

You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him..... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

^^^excellent!

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him.
The first says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a hug. The second says to him, "Have you ever been kissed?"
He shakes his head. She kisses him.
Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been f--ked?"
"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.
"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

So I am driving with my Blonde friend and we pass a huge corn field in the middle of July. I say, "Hey look, Corn stalks!" and she replies, "Corn stalks? Do the cops know about this??"

I have missed this thread so much

Mickey Mouse is in court during a divorce hearing with Minnie. The judge says;
"I'm sorry Mr. Mouse but I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds that you say she has big teeth"
Mickey replies; "I didn't say shes got big teeth, I said she's f--king Goofy!"