An American is in london in a taxi.
He looks out of the window, and says "What's that building there?"
The taxi driver says "The bank of England."
The American says "Back in the States, we have banks ten times bigger than that."
A little futher on, the American sees London Bridge, and says "We have bridges ten times bigger than that."
Suddenly the American spies a building with a lot of people wearing white uniforms standing outside and he says "See that building there, we have one ten times bigger than that."
And the taxi driver says I'm not surprised, that's a lunatic asylum.
guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".
A Japanese man who went to London sightseeing.
On the final day of his holiday, he called a cab to the airport.
During the journey, a Nissan drove past the cab. Thereupon, the man leaned forward excitedly and shouted, "Nissan, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota zoomed past the cab. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and shouted, " Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the cab. For the third time, the the man leaned forward excitedly and shouted, ", Mitsubishi! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little irritated, but he kept quiet... this went on for quite some time. Finally, the cab arrived at the airport.
The fare was £150... The Japanese man exclaimed, "Wah?... so expensive!"
The driver replied, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
One day, a farmer woke up to find that all 100 of his cows had died. Without his cows, he is ruined. So he goes to the nearby lake, and drowns himself.
The oldest brother wakes up, reads the note left by his father, and decides that life isn't worth living. So he goes to the lake to drown himself as well. There is a mermaid there. She tells the boy that if he can screw her 5 times, she will resurrect his father, and the cows. Anyway, the boy tries his best, but only can do it 3 times. So, she kills him.
The second oldest brother goes to the lake to drown himself, and the mermaid is there. She says that if he screws her 10 times in a row, she will resurrect his father, brother, and cows. He tries his best, but only can get it up 8 times.
The youngest brother then goes to the lake. The mermaid tells him that he must do it with her 20 times. He looks at her, bemused, and then says "What about 100 times? Or 200?"
The mermaid goes "Err, you think that you can handle it?"
And he replies "Sure! How do you think all the cows died???"
Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!" Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side." He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans." "Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at h er, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. "The patrolman looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling'?"
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy hollow in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?" "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting.
He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls the window down.
"Yes officer?"
"I have to ask you, what are you doing?"
"Well sir, I am reading a magazine."
"What about the young lady in the backseat?"
The young man turns to look behind him. "Well, I think she is knitting a pullover sweater."
"How old are you young man?" the officer asks.
"I am 25 Officer."
"And the girl?"
The young man looks at his watch. "Well, she'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
This man walks into a bar and sees a donkey. He askes the bartender why is there a donkey in here the bartender says if you can make this donkey laugh I will give you ten thousand dollars. So the man whispers in the donkey's ear and the donkey started laughing. Then the bartender said if you can make the donkey cry I will give you ten thousand more dollars. So the man turns to an angle where only the donkey can see and the donkey started crying. The bartender couldn't believe it so he asked the man how did you make the donkey laugh then make the donkey cry? He said first I told the donkey my dick was bigger than his, than I showed him.
Brad, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls,
So he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice
for him.
"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old
swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style.
Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about two sizes
too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin you
man...you'll have all the babes you want!"
The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his spanking new tight
Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and for cryin' out loud! - it's worse than
before!
Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering
their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So Brad goes back to the
lifeguard again and asks him, "What's wrong now?"
"Jeez!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.
The atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer, the religious man raised his eyes towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
And a great voice was heard from above, "Because he doesn't fvcking keep bothering me all the time!"
What's E.T. short for?Because he's only got little legs!
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team?Because she kept running from the ball!
Why do penguins walk softly?Because they can't walk hardly.
How did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass?Satisfying!
What did Barack say to Michelle when he got down on one knee?I don't wanna be Obama-self!