You Might Be A Democrat If...
•You own something that says, "Dukakis for President, " and still display it.
• You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."
• You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.
•You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."
• You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.
• You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.
•You can't talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.
•You think Ralph Nader makes a lot of sense.
•You don't understand why anyone was bothered by Jane's trip to Hanoi.
•You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.
•You've never been mugged.
•You actually expect to collect Social Security.
•You think the State of Florida should have tried to reform Ted Bundy.
•You think the Great Society has actually worked.
•You don't see the similarity between WONK and WANK.
•You got teary-eyed during the film "The American President."
•You think Ayn Rand is an African currency.
•Your house smells like a garbage dump because of your commitment to recycling.
•You think political patronage describes the Kennedy family.
•Your High School Year Book goals included the words "help people."
•You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.
•You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore.
•You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.
•You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.
•You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post.
•You know at least one Vegan.
•You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.
•You'd rather own Birkenstock than Merck Stock.
•You think public housing is great, but just NIMBY.
•You think the anti-war protestors from '60s are the real heroes.
•You think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer's stash.
•You think Michael Jackson is a great example of diversity.
•You actually think that poverty can be abolished.
•You think that Joan Baez had something to say.
•You admire the Swedish welfare system.
•You know that Jefferson really meant to say "Entitled to Happiness."
•You think the Flat Tax should be at 95%
•You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.
• After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed
A father asks his 9 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
I don't want to know, the boy answered, bursting into tears.
Confused his dad asked what was wrong.
Oh dad, when I was 6 years old, I got the "There is no Santa speech"
When I was 7 years old, I got the "There is no Easter Bunny"
And at 8 years old, you hit me with "There is no Tooth Fairy"
If you tell me that grown-ups don't f--k I'll have nothing left to live for!
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face & told her mother "Frank Brown showed me his willy today." Before her mum freaked out she added "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing a little, with a hidden smile, her mother asked "Really? Small was it?" Sally replied "No......... salty!"
Two bums are walking along the side of a road early one morning, complaining about their empty stomachs. The night before they
had spent every dime they had on whiskey, so naturally they had no money for breakfast. By and by they come upon a flattened possum lying dead on the roadside. The first bum says to the second, "I'll split it with ya."
The second politely refuses, so the first bum eats the entire thing by himself. An hour or so later, as they are walking, the first bum starts turning green. He gags for a few minutes and then spews the possum remains all over the road.
The second bum smiles and says, "I knew if I waited long enough I'd get a hot meal."
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the
door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.