After an airplane encounters a particularly rough patch of turbulence, the captain comes on the intercom to reassure the passengers that everything is OK and that the flight should be smooth the rest of the way. Then he sets the microphone aside and says to his co-pilot "Well...I'm glad that's over. All I need now is a cup of coffee and a blow job," but he didn't shut it off right and his comment is heard by the entire plane. One of the flight attendants starts running towards the cockpit to let the pilot know what's going on, and a passenger, seeing this, calls out "Hey, lady! ....don't forget the coffee."
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
An elderly woman is preparing for her death, and she consults an attorney about what to do with her assets. She tells him "I don't own a home or fancy jewelry, and have no family, so this should be easy. I have $40,000 in savings, and I want a lavish funeral. The budget is $35,000. Can you arrange it for me?" The attorney assures her he can, and that $35,000 will provide a very nice funeral. "But what are you going to do with the other $5,000?" he asks.
She tells him she has never been with a man, and would like to use the $5,000 to hire a man to service her. The attorney is a bit taken aback, and tells the woman he will do his best to make it happen. That night, he goes home to his wife, and is telling her about his day. He mentions the client's request for sex with a man for $5,000, and his wife says "for $5,000 you should do it! We can take a nice cruise". After some consideration, he agrees, and the following evening, he gets all dressed up, and pays a visit to his client. An hour later, he checks in with his wife, and she asks how things went. The attorney says "She has now decided she'd like to have the city give her a pauper's funeral. I'm going to be here a while"