A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation.
"This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
"Land mines," responded the woman.
Once there were 3 people in an airplane, one took a bite out of
an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of
the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she
thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then
the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it
was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they
landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little
girl who was crying and they asked, "little girl, little girl,
why are you crying?" and the little girl said, "an apple came
down and killed my new kitty". Next they passed a little boy
who
was also crying. And they again asked, "little boy, little boy,
why are you crying?" and the little boy said, "a lemon came
down
and killed my new puppy." Then they passed a blonde sitting on
the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, "why are you
laughing so hard?" and the blonde said, "I farted and the
building behind me blew up!!"
A man and woman just got married and are on the first night of their honeymoon together, but both being devout christians have never done more than kiss each other before. They climb into bed together, but just as things are getting hot and heavy and the husband is about to take off his new wife's shirt, she stops him and says "Honey, I need you to know something before you take off my shirt. I have the breasts of a 10 year old girl. I hope you'll still love me." The husband takes off her shirt, smiles, and tells his bride that she's beautiful and that he loves her now more than ever.
A few minutes later, the wife is about to take off her new husband's pants when he stops her..."You were honest with me my love, so I feel that there is something you should know about me as well, and I hope you'll still love me after. I'm hung like a newborn baby." The wife assures her husband that she'll love him no matter what and proceeds to take off his pants. As soon as she pulls them down, she lets out a blood curdling scream and passes out. When his wife finally wakes up, the husband asks her what happened, to which the wife responds "I thought you said you were hung like a newborn boy."
"I am my love," says the husband..."21 inches, 8.5 pounds"
One day in the forest, 3 guys were hiking along a trail when they were suddenly attacked by a huge pack of Indians and knocked out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief says to them, "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of the same fruit and bring them back to me."
The men run into the forest to find the items that will save their lives. After a while the first man returns with 10 apples. The chief then orders him to stick all ten of them in his ass and to not make any expression whatsoever while doing it. He has a little bit of trouble with the first one but the pain is too much and starts crying while trying to put the next one in. He was killed immediately.
The next man returns carrying 10 grapes. The chief orders him to perform the same task as the first man. The second man succeeds in inserting nine grapes. As he starts to reach for the tenth and final grape the man is overcome with laughter. He is also killed.
The first two guys meet again in heaven. The first guy asks the second, "What happened to you? You only needed one more grape and you'd have been freed!"
The second guy starts laughing again at the memory. Between the gasps he says, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."