So i heard this joke..,.

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the f-ck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

Okay this is terrible but, how do you fit 100 jews into a car?

2 in the front, 2 in the back, 96 in the ash tray.

This joke is a bit messed up and tasteless, but some people WILL find this funny, so...

How do frogs die?

They Kermit suicide!

Edit: After reading that it sounds very dark and depressing, but imma keep it up.

I nearly Loled, but I did smile.

Originally posted by Jmanghan
This joke is a bit messed up and tasteless, but some people WILL find this funny, so...

How do frogs die?

They Kermit suicide!

Edit: After reading that it sounds very dark and depressing, but imma keep it up.

I dare you to wake up everyday next to Miss Piggy and not want to put a bullet in your head.

A American, A Polak, and a afgani meet everyday at a coffee shop to complain about their life, "i hate my life" says the American and throws a cheeseburger out the window in anger, "i hate my life" says the polak and throws a doughnut out the window in anger. "I hate my life" says tha Afgani and throws a bomb out the window in anger. the American was walking down the road when he saw a little kid crying. "whats wrong kiddo?" the American asks. "i was walking down the road when a cheeseburger hit my head and now im a mess" The polak was walking down the road when he saw a little kid crying next to his broken bike, "what happened kid?" said the polak. "i was riding my bike when a doughnut hit my head and i crashed my bike". The Afgani was walking down the road when he saw a kid laughing next to a broken house, "what is so funny little boy?" the Afgani asks "my dad farted and the house blew up"

A man was driving through Ireland when it became apparent that he was lost, so he stopped and asked a local which was the quickest way to Dublin, the Irishman said are you walking or driving, the man replies "driving", Irishman says "yep that's the quickest way".

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

As a squad of British soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled British soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened. "Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of sh-t!'" "He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'Tony Blair is an unprincipled, lying piece of sh-t too!'" "We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

A couple are in the cinema sitting happily till the young lady turns and says:

"John, the fella next to me is having a wank"

"What?! The dirty f-cker. Come on we'll move"

"I can't he's using my hand"

Hahahaha!!!!!!

A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his butt, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."

Why is it easier to rape a deaf chick? If you stomp on her fingers, she cant turn you in!

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"

His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."

So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."

Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

Originally posted by Surtur
Why is it easier to rape a deaf chick? If you stomp on her fingers, she cant turn you in!

Wouldn't a Mute Chick make more sense?

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.

A little girl is out with her mother in the park when they see two teenagers having sex on a bench.
"What are they doing?" asks the girl.
"Uh, making cakes dear" says the mother.
They proceed to go to the zoo, where sure enough they see two monkeys having sex.
"What are they doing?" asks the girl.
"They're making cakes, too."
The next day, the girl says: "Mommy, were you and Daddy making cakes in the den last night?
Shocked, the mother asks: "How did you know?"
"I licked the icing off the sofa."

This isn't really a joke, but it's funny all the same:

YouTube video