The Mayor of the town has a pigeon problem. There are so many of them, and they just fly around disturbing the tourists and crapping on everything. He wants very badly to get rid of them. He takes an ad out in the paper saying "I'll pay anything to the person who can get rid of all these pigeons!" The next day, the mayor gets a call. "I'm your guy", the voice says. He continues, "You'll have to pay me $50,000. But, you can't ask me any questions. If you want to ask a question, it'll be another $10,000. Meet me in the park by the pond. I'll be sitting on the bench there." So, the mayor goes to the park and sees a man sitting on the bench with a small box on his lap. "You must be my guy" the mayor says. "Yep" says the stranger. He then opens the box and a pink pigeon flies out. The pigeon flies in big circles around the pond, over and over. Suddenly, all the pigeons from the town are following this pink pigeon in the big circles around the pond. Suddenly, the pink pigeon does a nose dive into the pond, and all the other pigeons follow it, and they all drown. No more pigeon problem! The mayor hands the stranger $60,000. "Ah, I knew you wanted to ask me a question," says the stranger. "Yeah," says the mayor, "you got any pink n-ggers?"
Two old ladies are smoking outside of their retirement home, as that is the only place they are allowed to smoke there. Suddenly it starts raining, and one of the ladies whips out a condom to protect her cigarette.
"Where'd you get that?" asked the other lady
"You can get them at any pharmacy or gas station," replied the lady. "I use them to protect my cigs in the rain."
The next day the old lady when to a pharmacy to buy some condoms. Being a little lost, she asked the man at the counter where she could find one.
"Where can I find condoms?" asked the lady.
"What kind are you looking for?" replied the man at the counter.
"It doesnt matter what kind or anything, just as long as it can fit a camel!"
Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your ass!"
... the teacher fainted!
A guy enters a bar carrying a bear. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this bear's mouth and place my genitals inside. The bear will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the bear's mouth. The bear closes its mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the bear on the top of its head. The bear opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
I was excited when I took delivery of our 62inch, 3D Smart tv, and as I hugged and drooled over it on its stand, the wife let out a derisive huff...
"Look at the state of you, you're pathetic." She snarled. "Fawning over a tv, why can't you manage that sort of affection for me?"
"Because I can get my arms around the telly."