So i heard this joke..,.

Nelson Mandela is sitting on the porch at home when there is a knock at the front door. He is surprised when he opens the door to find a small Chinese man holding a clipboard.

The Chinaman thrusts the clipboard towards Nelson and says "You sign, You sign" Looking over the Chinaman's shoulder he notices the delivery truck is full of gearboxes. Again the Chinaman shouts "You sign, You sign".

Confused but certain that this can not be right Mr. Mandela refuses to sign for the delivery and sends the driver packing.

The following day there is another knock at the door, again it is the small Chinese delivery man. "You sign, You sign" he barks. This time Nelson notices that the truck is carrying a cargo of rear axles. Again the delivery driver thrusts the clipboard under Nelson's nose "You sign, You sign".

This is not for me Mr. Mandela tells the excited delivery driver, now F-CK OFF! and he closes the door.

The next afternoon the Chinese man is again on the doorstep with his clipboard, "You sign, You sign" Beside himself with anger Mr. Mandela glances at the man's truck and notices that todays consignment is windscreens.

"You sign, You sign" and again the clipboard is thrust in to his face.

At the point of despair Nelson screams at the China man "THE GEAR BOXES WERE NOT FOR ME! THE REAR AXLES WERE NOT FOR ME! I DO NOT WANT THESE WINDSCREENS! WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING TO MY HOUSE?

The Chinese man replies "You Nissan Main Dealer?"

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive If the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

How did the Leper Hockey Game End?

There was a Face Off in the Corner!!!!!!!!

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks," What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf!"

I ran into Hitler. I was surprised to see him and asked him what he was up to? He said “This time I am going to kill 6 million Jews and two clowns!” “Two Clowns? Why are you going to kill two clowns?” “See? Nobody cares about zee Jews."

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

What's the difference between seduction and rape? Patience.

Okay so I heard a pretty racist joke the other day. So um, trigger warning, I guess?

Two black women are talking, one says that she has six children..all named Jerome. When the other woman asks how the children know which one of them she is referring to when she says their name she responds "I call each of them by their last name".

I only hit it cause Riv kept telling me it was just a mirage.Sure we was drunk on Auld Stag but.....

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica.
They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So they walked in, and the Jamaican Said,"I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in... Dey make you wild at sex."

The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the shopkeeper, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just> try dem on, Mon. You Doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on." So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and Tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild Look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's love handles...

The Jamaican began screaming,"You got dem on DA wrong feet! Man, you got dem on DA wrong feet!"

Originally posted by riv6672

Immediately after those pictures were taken that dog ate the souls of 16 orphans.

That stuffed animal it has with it is just one of the trophies he took from previous victims.

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance and then casually looks> at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices and asks "Is your date running late?"
"No" he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it" The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing knickers."

Bond smirks and taps his watch. "Bloody thing's an hour fast"

The Jamaican began screaming,"You got dem on DA wrong feet! Man, you got dem on DA wrong feet!"

😆 !!!

A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten ISIS fighters."

The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred ISIS 'S.O.B.'s'."

Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand ISIS fighters." The enraged ISIS commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought ... then silence.

Eventually, one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of them."

a muslim walks into a gay bar. he walks up to the bartender. "what will you have?" says the bartender. "SHOTS FOR EVERYONE!!" screams the muslim

Why did Paul Walker cross the street?
he wasent wearing a seatbelt