So i heard this joke..,.

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter
vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some
wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm
them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes
back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She
says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your *ears*
ever get cold?"

"I call shotgun" - Kurt Cobain

^^^OH! That is ****ED up!!! 😆

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

^^^You quack me up, man...✅

Someone who doesnt like cheese is a curd-mudgeon.

Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
Because you can see right through them!

How is life like a penis?
Its women that make it hard.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

A doe walks slowly out of the woods and says,
"Thats the last time i do THAT for two bucks".

How do you know when your cat's done cleaning herself?
She's smoking a cigarette.

What did the beaver say when he stubbed his toe?

Dammit!

Wife and Husband at the hospital, the wife has a terminal illness and is at death's doors, this being her final moments. While her husband is holding her hands, tears in his eyes as he knows he'll soon lose the love of his life. Mustering all the strength she can, she leans forward and whispers into his ear:

Wife: "I want you to **** me up the ass."
Husband looks on incredulously: "W-what? You can't be serious, these are our last moments and you're so weak."
Wife: "Just trust me. I want you to **** me up the ass."

Husband shocked and at a loss for words abides and grants his wife her last wish. Soon he sees the color and vigor returning to her face, strength coming back in her once frail body with each thrust. By the time he finishes, his wife looks as healthy as can be.

He looks on in joy and disbelief, but then falls to the floor sobbing in abject sorrow.

Wife: "What's wrong, you just saved my life!?"
Husband: "I know, dear. But I just realized I could have also saved my father two years ago."

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

Bambi: 'OK, so one morning, Mickey wakes up and looks outside. He sees "Mickey Sucks" written in urine. Mickey calls the police and they say they have bad news and they have worse news. The bad news is that the urine is Pluto's. The worse news is that it's Minnie's handwriting.'

What’s the difference between a joke and two dicks? You can’t take a joke.

How do you get a jewish girls number?

Look at her arm.